Keeping family in the dark


#1

So, I’m really excited about being :preg: but, since I had a chemical pg about 9 months ago, I really want to wait until Thanksgiving (toward the end of my first trimester) to tell anyone. My dh already knows, of course, but I’m having a hard time keeping it a secret, especially with my mom and sister. See, I’ve updated them frequently throughout this IF journey. The last thing I told them was that I would start injections as soon as AF arrived, which I was expecting any day. That was about 2 weeks ago.
Since my :bfp:, my mom has asked me a few times about how things are going. I’m a terrible liar, especially to my mom, so it’s getting really hard to not tell her yet. Two nights ago she asked me if I had started the injections yet. I said, “No, I have to go for more blood work tomorrow.” It was the truth, sort of. I went for another beta test. She just assumed I meant blood work for the IF treatments. Then, tonight she asked me about the results. I told her everything was good and quickly changed the subject.
I don’t know how much longer keep avoiding the subject without her getting suspicious. I’m just curious of whether there are any other ladies out there with this or a similar dilemma. Care to share?
Also, any advice for me?


#2

That’s a tough one and very personal. For me, I would need to lean on my mom if I had a miscarriage anyway so I was okay with telling her about my BFP. But you have every right to keep it a secret. You could always tell her that you are planning on going through IVF again “at some point”, but its really hard for you because of what happened last time so you aren’t wanting to talk about it much during the process?

I know with my failed IVF I told a lot of people at work I was doing it - then it sucked to tell them it failed - so when they inquired about future IVF’s I kept it kind of vague like the above and then just told them when it worked :-). A bit easier.


#3

This is a tough spot to be in but by keeping them
in the loop all along the way (not meaning to sound mean at all) but you kind of put yourself here. I have no room to point fingers b/c I do the same thing. :slight_smile: I’m not so good at keeping these things to myself and will pretty much tell you whatever you want to know about me…hehe. My OB has a very good take on this sort of thing. With DDs pregnancy (my first), we asked about telling or not telling and when to do so. She said, in her opinion it doesn’t make sense to wait. If you keep the pregnancy then you’ll walk that journey alone until you do let the cat out of the bag and if you loose it, then you walk that alone too. Either way, she says having the support of loved ones is better. I totally agree. I’m not suggesting that you announce it on FB or even bring any other people into it, but they’ve given you their love and support until now. Personally, I don’t think it’s fair to shut them out now.

Either you tell them the truth and you have them to celebrate with you now and have them to lean on if it doesn’t “stick” or you bascially have to lie (I’m an awful liar too!!) and tell them it didn’t work in order to get them off your back. Then what? In a couple of months you come back and say “just kidding! I’m really pregnant!!”. My mother would be crushed. Yours will be mourning the failure of this cycle only to find out later she was shut out by the truth.

Having said all that, I agree that you have every right to keep this b/t you and DH but this is probably a senerio you should have thought through prior to bringing them into your daily struggle.

(Again, I don’t mean to sound judgemental b/c I did the same thing only with more people. I would have shared the results either way with my mother and best friends, but I had shared my journey with many of my moms group friends. At a gathering after I had just taken an HPT days before a fried asked in front of everyone. I had 2 choices: tell the truth, the happy news. Or lie and say it didn’t work. I risked having to go back and retell everyone about a misscarriage had I lost this baby. Fortunately I’ve been lucky and I didn’t have to do that. I did learn lesson though. Only tell the people about your journey that you would tell about a misscarriage)

good luck!!


#4

First of all, CONGRATS on :preg: :preg: :preg: !!! YAY!!! Sounds like you don’t want to get too excited yet. My advice is to do whatever makes the journey easier on you. If it gives you more comfort to keep everything on the down low until you are comfortable talking about it, then don’t tell. If you need the support of someone other than DH to make it easier on you, then tell your mom! Everyone’s situation is different so do what gives you the most comfort! IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU!


#5

Well first off CONGRATS!!!:cheer::clap::grouphug:

And if you can keep it a secret that would be so great!! I tried with both my pregnancies and caved but wish I wouldn’t have!! that will be such a great surprise for your family it seems that they are all very supportive and really wanting to see you get pregnant and what a surprise when you have an Ultrasound to show them also!! :slight_smile: Good luck and whatever you choose it does not matter!! you are pregnant!!! CONGRATS again I am so happy for you!!!


#6

I too am in a very similiar situation. I m/c last December, but hadn’t told anyone I was pregnant yet. We had only been trying naturally for a few months when it happened, and since it was so close to Xmas I wanted to make a big ordeal about annoucing it to everyone, and that was the only reason I waited to tell. Thankfully I miscarried very early, before I had made the big annoucement. But I did tell my Mom afterward that I had miscarried. Since then she has been a big part of my ttc journey, and was my support system when I started seeing my RE. So when I got my BFP this month, totally unexpected (see sig below for details), I called her on my way to work the morning I took the test and told her the news. However I swore her to secrecy, and she hasn’t even told my Dad yet, which is remarkable.

I want to wait until after my first ultrasound (will be at 6w5d) to make sure the little bean is hanging on and developing as it should. I’m hoping I’ll hear a heartbeat by then. At that point I will probably tell my immediate family and my closest friends, who have been asking for updates on my cycle and IF treatments. They have been my support for all of the cycles that didn’t work, so I am excited to give them good news. Plus I am tired of trying to hide from them, b/c I too am a terrible liar!! But I am going to stress that I am being “extremely cautiously optimistic” and ask that they keep the news to themselves until I make a more formal “public” annoucement further along in the pregnancy.

I think you should do whatever you feel in your heart. When you feel comfortable, you should tell them. I’m sure they will be thrilled for you whenever you decide to share the news. Congrats on the pregnancy, I wish you the best!! :cheer: Don’t forget to enjoy each moment, as I’m sure this was a long time coming. I know it was for me. :grouphug:


#7

Congratulations!!

I can completely understand why you might want to keep this under your hat for a while, and that’s a personal decision for you and your DH to make.

We were very open about our treatments with our families so we really didn’t have the option to keep it to ourselves one way or the other without them worrying or figuring it out. It was hard when we had several consecutive months of BFN to have to let them know it didn’t work out, but that made telling them when it did work that much more exciting. We told only our siblings and parents and told them to keep it to themselves, which they did until we told them they could tell whoever they wanted to after our 9wk u/s. We did tell them at that point that if they told anyone they had to untell them if we had a m/c. Like others, I would need the support and prayers from family if we had a m/c…so it just made sense to tell those close family members.

Now I’m on the other side of things as my sister is newly pregnant through IVF. Since we knew when she cycled, it would have only worried us to not know one way or the other if she was pregnant…so she shared with our parents and me and my DH, but waited to tell her DH’s parents until after the first u/s showed a hb. My sister had a m/c 5 years ago and didn’t tell any of us in the family until about 6 months after the fact when she also explained that she was likely going to be able to have children due to diminished ovarian reserve. I was not hurt that she hadn’t told me about the m/c, but it did make me sad to know she went through that hurt completely alone. I would have very much wanted to be there for her when she was going through that. Your family likely would love to share your joy with you now, and would want to be a support for you too if, God forbid, you were to have a miscarriage.

I wish you all the best with whatever you decide.


#8

Why not tell?

I appreciate all of the input. You have made some excellent points. I can see why letting them in now would be good for them and me. I wouldn’t have to worry about keeping it a secret anymore.
However, my family does not know about the mc (it was 2 days after my :bfp:), and I have my reasons for that. Once a mc is less of a threat (Thanksgiving) I’ll let them in on my joy.
Also, I haven’t told them the injections didn’t work. I haven’t even said that I’m taking them, because I’m not obviously and I can’t lie. I just haven’t told them why I’m not doing them right now.
I guess I’ll just keep on avoiding/changing the subject when it comes up. That seems to be working.:cross:


#9

When I found out I was pregnant the only one I told was my mother an BFF. Reason told my mother and BFF was they knew about everything we was doing. So when I found out I was pregnant I told them due to had someone shoulders to lean on for support. Me and DH didn’t tell anyone else until we felt it was safe to tell the family due too I was sick alot and thought lots of them wouldn’t be happy. My doctor said it was ok too tell family when I was 6w3d but we didn’t feel it was the right time. So we watited til I was 12weeks an then started telling the family due to I was starting to show some so it was time too let the cat out of the bag… LOL…

It’s your choice of when too tell others. You may feel like it’s not the right time right now an want to wait a few more weeks to make sure nothing happens. Follow your instints of what to do.

Good Luck an God Bless You… :bsv:


#10

DH and I didn’t give details to too many people about our IF treatments - our close friends, one of my brothers, DH’s parents and his brother. I ended up telling my dad in Sept - got my 5th BFN and was feeling REALLY depressed about the whole situation. The only people who know about my BFP at this point are my MIL/FIL (DH was busting at the seams to tell them the day after we found out… I was REALLY nervous about telling them and made them swear that they would keep the news secret until I am out of the 1st Trimester) and the 3 girls that I am really close to at work. I got the call about the BFP at work - and they were covering for me all the mornings I had to go in late due to blood work, u/s, IUI, ect… I feel weird about not telling my dad, but he is in another state, we had plans to see him around Thanksgiving so I thought it was better to wait and tell him in person… besides I’ll be more than 8 weeks then, so I’ll feel a little safer. My younger brother asks all the time if we have ‘anything to tell him and his wife’ - I just say ‘not yet’… I figure that’s not a lie since I do have something to tell, but just not yet… :slight_smile: My dad asked how I was feeling with all the injections - I told him I was taking a little break for now. Everyone else will be told around Christmas since that’s when the first trimester is over. Until then, my lips are sealed. I don’t see anything wrong with not wanting the world to know until you know that things are most likely going to work out. Good luck to everyone - I hope we all have an uneventful pregnancy and have happy and healthy babies soon!


#11

Yeah, I guess I could just come up with answers like, “We’re going to wait a little while longer before starting injections.” Or, “We’re taking a break.” They don’t have to know it’s because we’re :preg:.


#12

We just got our BFP and we are waiting as well. We told my mom and sister b/c they knew about the transfer and they are my BFF and promised to not tell anyone else. We have lost 3 and I am so worried about losing another. I am spotting a little, but the nurse and RE think it is due to a irritated cervix. My levels all look good and I will be 5 weeks 11-18. I am a little apprehensive about getting excited b/c of my previous losses. I will feel much better once I see the heartbeat. I know there will always be something to worry about, but we have decided to wait about telling everyone till at least we see the heartbeat or about 3-4 months. We just hated to tell everyone and then something happen again. Until then I am letting everyone else believe we are just still trying. Congrats on your BFP!


#13

I understand…

:cheer: :cheer: Congrats!

I understand perfectly about not telling. I just made 16 weeks and I didn’t tell parents. We had a 2nd trimester loss at 21 weeks during last holiday and I cannot bear the pain of seeing my family hurt so bad. Children are important in my culture. We are waiting until 25 weeks for their anniversary gift.
My 1st cousins know, SIL, BFF, and other really really close friend/coworkers know but its good because I am not alone while away from home.

My parents…

Even though deep down inside I know they know.:slight_smile: I can just feel it from" “How are you REALLY doing conversation?” or " We were thinking of buying an RV and visiting."
They ask my female cousins “Is she still trying”? Well I am the only girl in my family so I have to talk to them.
But don’t put anymore stress on yourself than you need.

DH and I are not ready and we are taking each week as a blessing.If my mom and dad just straight up and ask I am not going to lie, but they have to pinky swear to secrecy because if my mom tells my grandmother then it will be CNN breaking news all day from EASTCOAST to WESTCOAST.:flower:

Blessings to You & The Baby
Esperanza XOXO