This is a long story, of sorts, and isn’t easy to tell. I will try to tell it from an objective point of view, but I must admit that even thinking about some of these issues brings me to tears.
Ever since I was a child, I always pictured myself being alone and career focused. Last year, that all changed when I met the most amazing woman a person could ask for. Some time later, we were married and couldn’t be happier with each other. She is a wonderful mother, partner, and of course friend.
In 2007, she was divorced, and underwent a sterilization procedure (tubal ligation using tubal clips) as she had three children by the EX-husband, and, like me, never intended to become romantically involved with anyone again.
Anyhow, she was very upfront with me that she would be unable to have any more children (I have none of my own), and I was OK with that. To this date, I remember her asking me and me saying “I never want to have any kids anyhow.” It are those very words that hurt the most.
On one end of the spectrum, I had never experienced the love and affection of a child, so I was unable to properly answer that question. On the other hand, in my wife’s defense, it is unfair for me to simply change my mind (although I assure you “changing my mind” isn’t an adequate description of the emotional turmoil I have been wrestling with).
Thankfully, I have spoken with my wife, and she is very supportive and has no reservations about having the reversal procedure performed. Her main concern is the funding of this procedure and of course being stable enough to bring a fourth child into this world. Both points I agree with completely. In a way, I feel blessed that my wife is so willing to have a surgical procedure, carry a baby, and of course endure the birth! On the other hand, it is a bittersweet feeling because the success/failure rate appears to increase and decrease the longer you wait. My wife is 36 1/2 years old, and we have no where near enough money saved for the surgery. Of course credit would be an option had her divorce not ruined hers. On my end, I have no established credit as I am in my early twenties.
I am totally at a loss of what to do. We don’t even own a home, and are just now looking at places to rent. We have been living with her parents (had to move out of our previous rental due to financial concerns) for almost a year now. Thankfully, I am starting a new job as a corrections officer making decent wages. Still, when you factor in bills and other expenses, there is no way to save the thousands of dollars needed. I am truly at a loss on how to handle this.
I love my wife and my step-children. My wanting a child of my own has no negative connotations toward them at all. I love them like my own, but regardless of what I do, I know it can never be the same (although their bio-father isn’t really involved). I’d love to know the feeling of bringing a child into this world, or have someone call me daddy instead of my first name…and of course having my child with our last name is exciting too. I don’t mean to sound superficial, but its the feeling of belonging to a family rather than being some kind of outsider.
Still, I often wonder what will happen if we can’t obtain the required funding, or worse yet if my wife is unable to get pregnant. It seems to unfair that I’d even imagine ending my marriage with her, after all, the procedure was performed before we ever knew each other and she was very upfront about it from the beginning. How can I even consider leaving someone over something she has no control over?
I feel like a complete *** for even writing this. I love my wife with all my heart. I just can’t imagine growing old without a son or daughter who loves me like a…Dad. I feel like I’m being extremely selfish here, and if that is the case, someone please tell me so. Don’t hold back!
Thanks for all of the advice and help.