Ligation Reversal - Unique situation


#1

This is a long story, of sorts, and isn’t easy to tell. I will try to tell it from an objective point of view, but I must admit that even thinking about some of these issues brings me to tears.

Ever since I was a child, I always pictured myself being alone and career focused. Last year, that all changed when I met the most amazing woman a person could ask for. Some time later, we were married and couldn’t be happier with each other. She is a wonderful mother, partner, and of course friend.

In 2007, she was divorced, and underwent a sterilization procedure (tubal ligation using tubal clips) as she had three children by the EX-husband, and, like me, never intended to become romantically involved with anyone again.

Anyhow, she was very upfront with me that she would be unable to have any more children (I have none of my own), and I was OK with that. To this date, I remember her asking me and me saying “I never want to have any kids anyhow.” It are those very words that hurt the most.

On one end of the spectrum, I had never experienced the love and affection of a child, so I was unable to properly answer that question. On the other hand, in my wife’s defense, it is unfair for me to simply change my mind (although I assure you “changing my mind” isn’t an adequate description of the emotional turmoil I have been wrestling with).

Thankfully, I have spoken with my wife, and she is very supportive and has no reservations about having the reversal procedure performed. Her main concern is the funding of this procedure and of course being stable enough to bring a fourth child into this world. Both points I agree with completely. In a way, I feel blessed that my wife is so willing to have a surgical procedure, carry a baby, and of course endure the birth! On the other hand, it is a bittersweet feeling because the success/failure rate appears to increase and decrease the longer you wait. My wife is 36 1/2 years old, and we have no where near enough money saved for the surgery. Of course credit would be an option had her divorce not ruined hers. On my end, I have no established credit as I am in my early twenties.

I am totally at a loss of what to do. We don’t even own a home, and are just now looking at places to rent. We have been living with her parents (had to move out of our previous rental due to financial concerns) for almost a year now. Thankfully, I am starting a new job as a corrections officer making decent wages. Still, when you factor in bills and other expenses, there is no way to save the thousands of dollars needed. I am truly at a loss on how to handle this.

I love my wife and my step-children. My wanting a child of my own has no negative connotations toward them at all. I love them like my own, but regardless of what I do, I know it can never be the same (although their bio-father isn’t really involved). I’d love to know the feeling of bringing a child into this world, or have someone call me daddy instead of my first name…and of course having my child with our last name is exciting too. I don’t mean to sound superficial, but its the feeling of belonging to a family rather than being some kind of outsider.

Still, I often wonder what will happen if we can’t obtain the required funding, or worse yet if my wife is unable to get pregnant. It seems to unfair that I’d even imagine ending my marriage with her, after all, the procedure was performed before we ever knew each other and she was very upfront about it from the beginning. How can I even consider leaving someone over something she has no control over?

I feel like a complete *** for even writing this. I love my wife with all my heart. I just can’t imagine growing old without a son or daughter who loves me like a…Dad. I feel like I’m being extremely selfish here, and if that is the case, someone please tell me so. Don’t hold back!

Thanks for all of the advice and help.

Dave


#2

Dave,

I think your honesty is amazing.

That being said, I’m assuming your wife has been through hell and back with her divorce and grappling with the idea of remarrying. She was upfront with you so she wouldn’t get hurt again. I think it’s great that she is considering the idea of having the reversal, but if the finances or other things make that impossible, remember she considered it. That’s a lot, in and of itself. I know so many people who have come to know their step-children as their own. How long have you been married and how old are her kids? Maybe that will happen, given some time. Let this be on HER terms… she was honest and you accepted that. If you love her as much as you say you do, you will accept however this turns out and NOT leave her because of it. Good luck and best wishes.

-Shelly


#3

Shelly,

Thank you so much for the quick reply!

She was absolutely 100% upfront about everything, just as I have been with her regarding my feelings and such. You are right though, the fact that she’d even consider going through all of that truly does mean a lot to me. She really is a special person, and I feel so blessed to have her in my life. I do agree that it would be very selfish to leave her over something totally out of our control!

Her kids are 9, 6, and 3. They really are great kids, and it breaks my heart to think about their idiotic bio-father who calls every couple of months.

Her and I have been married for a little over a year now, and were together for a 13 months before getting married. She divorced her ex-husband because he was abusive (mentally and physically) and I can definitely understand her need for protection. I emphasize my dedication to her daily through my actions, and couldn’t imagine ever hurting someone you care about so much.

My head is really swirling with all of the possibilities! My biggest fear is that she is agreeing to the procedure as to not hurt my feelings, and I’d never imagine asking someone to go through all of that if it wasn’t truly what their heart was set on.

Again, I’d like to thank you and I will certainly try to keep this thread updated.

Take care,

Dave


#4

I am in kinda the same boat. I researched alot and there is a doc in KY, Dr. Levin that is highly recommended. You can make payments, you can’t have the procedure until it is paid, but the opportunity is there. Will you be getting a tax return?
Unfortunately, I couldn’t do it as the doctor who did my ligation had made sure I wouldn’t have any more babies…
Another thing to think about is success rates of ligation reversals. Knowing what I know now, I am glad I did IVF. The chances of my tubes remaining blocked and still having to pay out for IVF anyway…that would have been a tremendous amount of money.
And what the previous poster said, it is great that you are so honest!!!
I hope everything works out for your family!!!


#5

Hello!

Sorry for the long time between updates.

Due to financial concerns, I have elected to work a second job in order to fulfill the procedure’s costs.

I am a little disturbed that my wife doesn’t want to share this decision with anyone, including children, parents, friends, etc. I feel that it’d be a great idea to get everyone used to the idea, instead of springing it on them out of nowhere.

What are your thoughts?


#6

[QUOTE=DBieniek]Hello!

I am a little disturbed that my wife doesn’t want to share this decision with anyone, including children, parents, friends, etc. I feel that it’d be a great idea to get everyone used to the idea, instead of springing it on them out of nowhere.

What are your thoughts?[/QUOTE]

As someone in your wife’s shoes, I can understand why she doesn’t necessarily want to talk about this with anyone and everyone. Literally in her shoes. My ex-husband was an emotionally abusive jerk who has not paid a cent of child support since our daughter was 4 months old, has not seen her in person since she was 8 months old, and does not make any attempt to be with her. When she was 5, I made the very difficult decision to get my tubes tied. She turns 10 this year. 18 months ago, I met the man who is now my fiance and he would LOVE to have a baby with me. And I would dearly love to make that happen. Everytime he talks about being a daddy (my daughter lives with my parents, who have adopted her - there is a LOT of backstory to this, but it was the best decision I could make for her at the time), I fall more in love with him. He never knew his own father and he says that he wants more than almost anything to be a daddy with baby snuggles and kisses and sleepless nights and diaper changes (he has seriously volunteered to change most of hte diapers and be the one getting up at 2am with a fussy baby!!!).

I am not planning on telling MOST people we are even TTC (be it via tubal ligation reversal or just going straight to IVF) until I see the :bfp: and reach 12 weeks gestation (I had 3 miscarriages before my daughter). That includes my parents and most of my family. Only a couple of close friends, my fiance and this board know how badly I want a baby with my love.


#7

I know this is an older thread, but I feel like I can relate. When my husband and I met and he told me he had a vas, I was ok with that. I loved him so much I convinced myself that I would be ok with not having more children.

But it just didn’t work out that way lol - I have alway wanted a big family. So I talked to him about it, and we eventually opted for dIUI.

I get frustrated that we can’t just “make a baby” and I feel bad that I thought I would be ok not having more children. At the same time, when I was that 22 year old girl I just didn’t realize how much his vas would affect me…

It is so hard when you love someone so much yet at the same time want a child so bad…

OH, and for what it is worth, I don’t tell anyone I am ttc - I learned that the hard way. The first time I was telling people and it was really hard to hear some of the things that people say…