Losing hope


#1

Hello everyone, My wife suggested i join a forum in order to vent my frustration.

I guess our story is that we have been trying for 2 years now and we have been seeing a fertility doctor for 1 year. Most of the initial tests were fine, there are no problems with me or my wife… the only thing of concern is her irregular periods. PCOS was a diagnosis given to us even though there we no cysts found. Regardless… we were given Clomid and have been on it since February. We had one cycle where it didn’t work and the doctor upped the dosage to 100mg. There came a point during the summer where we cracked. The stress caught up to my wife and she wanted a few months of not trying. Now we are back on our last two cycles of clomid before going back to the doctor. IUI is probably the next step.

This experience has been the hardest on myself i believe. My wife is strong and she believes that she will get pregnant. I however am pessimistic. I didn’t know i was until this happened. This is the last thing that i ever imaged that would happen to us. I am angry, angry at every pregnant women i see around me. We just happen to live in a new residential neighborhood where everyone is either pregnant or has at least one child. I’m not kidding about this… every house on my street. And if that’s not enough, there are constantly pregnant women at my work and my wife works at a doctor’s office where she sees many patients with kids or has to let people know that they are pregnant. And lastly all family members (except for two) are pregnant or have kids. Needless to say, we are surrounded by it and we keep seeing a :bfn: at the end of every cycle.

I guess i would be more optimistic about our chances if we had the money to afford IVF. At this point that isn’t even a possibility. To further in-debt ourselves would be irresponsible and stupid. All of this has made me angry and depressed. I wish i could let my anger go… i have tried but all it takes is one thing to bring it all back. I feel that no one is in our corner on this. My parents don’t know our situation but i know that they are indifferent if we have kids. My wife’s parents know our situation but her mother keeps making comments on how kids are a burden and we should just be happy that we are free to do what we want. Even our friends that went through IVF i feel that even though they use to feel like us… now because they have a kid they don’t care about our feelings.

I’m sure some of you probably have worse stories than mine… but this is ours and we’re all in the same boat. Hopefully someday we can all achieve our dreams. Feel free to comment or leave tips on how we can cope with this situation.

Thanks,


#2

Hi,

I have no idea how many men use these boards but it’s nice to see your message. I think I would like to put you in touch with my husband, who is feeling many of the same things you are. As for being angry, I can relate to that, and I know my husband can too. I am especially angry today and have just been on one of the other message boards to vent my frustation. I do find that sometimes I feel a bit better after typing out what I am thinking and posting it here. Anyway, it is good that you are seeking support. I think my husband needs to do the same thing. He seems to have really reached a point of extreme frustration just recently.

Mindy


#3

You are in the exact same situation as my husband and me. We’ve been trying for two years with one miscarriage and are now trying clomid…I am the problem, not him. IVF isn’t an option–financial burden and increased risk of multiples.

I know how hard this is for you and your wife, especially when everyone around you seems to be pregnant or is starting a family. It gets to the point when sex isn’t even fun anymore; it’s just another chore to get through because “tonight might be the night.” We don’t talk to people about our situation because we don’t want to be the couple that is defined by our infertility. To take our minds off our personal struggles, we’ve gotten more involved with our jobs and have started volunteering in the community. If you are dog tired at night and give every ounce of yourself through the day, it’s easier to keep out the nagging voices that creep in before sleep.

We also try to be very frank with each other and try to find humor where we can. When AF comes every month, we spend time apart so we can vent our frustrations without making the other person feel bad. We’ve talked about how long we can keep this up, do we try IVF, what about surgery…the works. We then follow it up with a morning of cinnamon rolls in bed and a trip to Menards to look at Christmas decorations. We try to focus on the fact that we selected each other and we are a family, whether we are just a couple or a full house.

Infertility sucks. It’s not fair, and it is maddening when you are used to being in control of every other aspect of your life except this one *[email protected]# thing that even monkeys can do successfully. I wish you and your wife luck and the strength to get through one day at a time.


#4

I can totally sympathize with your situation. People don’t understand what this does to a couple unless they are going thru it. I have been with my husband since i was 17 and am now 35. About 8 years ago we found out he as azoospermia (0 sperm), back then it was devastating news and IVF seamed an impossible chance. We put it on the back burner and have endured everyone of our friends haveing children and going to countless birthday parties, everyone asking us why we don’t have kids. I’ve heard people say that we don’t want them and why are we choosing to not start a family! We finally decided to do the research of IVF and have found out it can be done affordably but we have cut out all unnecessary spending. We eat at home, i dont shop, and we make payments as we go thru the treatment which surprisingly is a lengthy process.

Hope this helps.


#5

I would suggest getting in touch with your doc and stepping up the efforts. Tell him/her you’re ready to be more aggressive with your treatments. Go ahead and start with triggered IUI. If she really does have PCOS, the clomid alone probably isn’t making her ovulate.

Don’t be afraid to tell the doctor your frustrations.


#6

You may want to look into the benifits of Accupuncture, It has been around for 3000 years and I read a lot of studies on it that show an increase in pregnancy success. Good luck to you both


#7

Hulk
I can appreciate where you’re coming from. My wife and I had been trying for 2 years after having a miscarriage back in 2008. It was terrible because so many friends were having kids and we’d always get the awkward questions about why we didn’t have any. I can honestly say that infertility is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to deal with because you feel so helpless. We tried clomid and IUI and then my wife had a surgery to remove a hydrosalpinx (blocked tube). We took the plunge and did IVF this past April. I took out two 0% credit cards to pay for it. I still haven’t paid them off yet but will in the next couple of months. It was worth it, we got lucky and my wife is pregnant with twins that we expect to be born next week. I still remember all the terrible days when we found out she wasn’t pregnant. It’s unhfair and depressing and just makes you want to go berserk. Don’t give up. Just keep doing the right thing by eating as healthy as possible, exercising and working with the fertility doctors. Good luck.


#8

Feeling for you

Hello
My husband and I were diagnosed with male factor infertility he has abnormalities in 4 of 5 areas and has trouble maintained erections due to the stress the diagnoises has put on him. We have all but stopped even trying on our own our efforts solely focus on finding a doctor we life to go forth with IVF with ICSI…a 10,000 to 17,000 process depending on doctor here in so cal. I feel for each and every man out there going thru this with us women. Women are so open sometimes to a fault. I tell any one and everyone our problem in hopes to hear a good doc or referal to great place or just to feel normal. So far its done me little good but at least I talk about it and men just seem so closed off. Thank you for being brave and opening up. Your family in our thoughts and prayers hope to hear your efforts pay off soon.
Elyse


#9

Thank you for the messages posted, its nice to hear from other people that are going through this. I think we have to look forward and not give up… it’s hard to keep going because of the constant disappointment. Even today driving to work, my wife looks at me and says she doesn’t think it worked this month. Part of me is crushed everything i hear her talk like that. I feel like i have to say that it is too early to tell whether it worked or not… which is true; but i don’t even believe it myself. This has already been a very stressfull month and to add to the disappointment around christmas time is not something we will enjoy… also add the fact that we will have to spend the holidays with 2 pregnant family members and 4 kids. So i am not sure how we will deal with it this month. Maybe we should go see our doctor to setup a IUI since that is most likely our next step. We have to look forward for something instead of looking forward to more disappointment. One last vent before i log off… last week was very upsetting at work… what i thought was a good friend to me (who is also very aware of our situation) sent an email announcing the birth of her second baby, including many pictures. I wish people would have the sense to stop and think for a second “does this person want to see this?” unless i ask for them, i don’t like being forced them upon me. I know its a selfish attitude to have… but ****** it hurts. I’ve learn that even people who appear to sympatize don’t even come close to understanding.

So in closing… my two favorites songs this month have been F*ck you by Cee Lo and I Hate my life by Theory of a Deadman. Something is satisfying about blaring that music in my car.

Take care everyone, thank you for the replies and support. I hope the best for everone in this Christmas seaons.


#10

Thank you for the messages posted, its nice to hear from other people that are going through this. I think we have to look forward and not give up… it’s hard to keep going because of the constant disappointment. Even today driving to work, my wife looks at me and says she doesn’t think it worked this month. Part of me is crushed everything i hear her talk like that. I feel like i have to say that it is too early to tell whether it worked or not… which is true; but i don’t even believe it myself. This has already been a very stressfull month and to add to the disappointment around christmas time is not something we will enjoy… also add the fact that we will have to spend the holidays with 2 pregnant family members and 4 kids. So i am not sure how we will deal with it this month. Maybe we should go see our doctor to setup a IUI since that is most likely our next step. We have to look forward for something instead of looking forward to more disappointment. One last vent before i log off… last week was very upsetting at work… what i thought was a good friend to me (who is also very aware of our situation) sent an email announcing the birth of her second baby, including many pictures. I wish people would have the sense to stop and think for a second “does this person want to see this?” unless i ask for them, i don’t like being forced them upon me. I know its a selfish attitude to have… but it hurts. I’ve learn that even people who appear to sympatize don’t even come close to understanding.

So in closing… my two favorites songs this month have been F*ck you by Cee Lo and I Hate my life by Theory of a Deadman. Something is satisfying about blaring that music in my car.

Take care everyone, thank you for the replies and support. I hope the best for everone in this Christmas seaons.


#11

Try an IUI

Don’t give up. Also, I’m not sure of your wife’s age, but eight months of clomid alone seems a bit much if she’s 35+, unless they’ve added injections. IUIs are more affordable than many think. Typically it’s about $1,000 total that is payable in chunks over a one-month cycle. Also, she might want to go in for an HSG in advance of the IUI just to be sure her fallopian tubes are open, unless she’s already done that. HSGs are typically covered by insurance and a fertility clinic or OBGYN can refer her. Best of luck.