Mulitiple failed attempts might mean donor


This is a bit long winded and I apologize for that.

My husband and I have been through 4 cycles of ICSI starting in 2012 and taking a year off when he had to work overseas for his job. The first two had low fertilization but we were able to use a day three embryo in each case (they were too poor of quality to make it to day 5). At the beginning of this year our new doctor finally, after decades of my complaints to other doctors, decided to look for endometreosis. He rated what he found as pretty bad being a 3 out of 4 and burned what he could out. So, the first embryos had no real chance of implantation. I immediately did another round where the sperm they found were of terrible quality and none of my eggs fertilized. I asked about freezing what sperm we could at this point but the doctor said if they found no sperm next time he would just perform a needle biopsy. I had to take another 7 months off as my mother was very ill and I had to be overseas to help where I could. During that time I found out that my husband’s boss wants to move him again as early as January 2015 but he managed to finagle June 2015. So, as soon as I was able when I came back, I did another cycle. As I woke up in the recovery room I was told “you know they found no sperm? We froze your eggs”. The Doctor later told me that my husband isn’t a good candidate for a needle biopsy. So, now we have nothing frozen besides my eggs. I’m devastated and don’t know how much more I can do.

So, there is a really far fetched option that we can take where they perform and operation on my husband to try to find sperm, freeze any they find, thaw it at the same time as my eggs and hope both the sperm (which they still expect to be of poor quality) and the eggs survive unthawing and we somehow get a better fertiliazation rate than we had before. But, I’m not sure I can go through another cycle if this fails.

The other option is that we go the donor sperm route. This will still require me to start immediately. I have to have another surgery for my endometriosis, an MRI to see if I have a secondary issue (I was told %40 chance I did), if I do have that I have to do 2-4 months of estrogen starvation. And with my frozen eggs my dr. said I can probably expect about 1 or 2 blastocysts out of it. My husband isn’t exactly thrilled that he can’t have his own genetic children but thinks strongly that donor is the best option for us. I’m the one with the real issue. Sometimes I think it’s a great option and sometimes I worry about everything that it entails. I absolutely hate the idea of letting a near stranger impregnate me. I have no idea how to tell people, who to tell, but I don’t want the kid to think it’s a big shameful secret. I worry that the kid will resent being the child of a donor. There is such a shortage in this city that the kids will likely run into half siblings.

I’m just at the end of my rope. So, I’m looking for stories of people who have used donor sperm and how they faced their concerns. How did you deal with the idea that you would have a child that wasn’t genetically yours and your husbands?