New here and need to vent


#1

Hi All,

So some background info, I am 27yrs old, and my husband is 34. We have been ttc since July 2010.:grr:

When I was A LOt younger ( 18yrs and hadnt met my husband, i was dating an idiot instead) i accidentally got pregnant ( and we were being careful with an IUD and condoms!) Long story short, he beat me one night, and I lost the baby at 7m, and had to give birth to a still born:wings: . It was the worst experience of my life (as was pressing charges againt him, only because i had to see him in court) Since then I have always been afraid something would be wrong if I tried to get pregnant.

Well as I mentioned its now been about 16months, that my wonderful husband and I have tried and I have been TERRIFIED it was me… so in October we went in to start tests to see whats going on.

So far all my test have been clear, and normal!! SO :clap: yay for me! Not so great news for hubby :frowning: his semen analysis showed 1million, with LOW motility and not many ‘normal’ sperm. But we are headed to a specialist and are keeping positive for whatever treatments we may do.

SO the vent! We live in a small, farming community, and apparantly your ability to reproduce is highly desired and rewarded. We have my inlaws, friends and strangers (well they know my hubby who has lived here forever, I am a ‘newcomer’ still at 3.5yrs)constantly asking if we are pregnant, when will be etc etc.So we have told my parents, and his parents, and if they ( his parents, not mine) could stop asking as it was only making us feel worse, and we will keep them posted. Well we told them about the test results, and his parents, were shocked that it would be there precious son that has the issue not me, and they let that be known. Which not only hurt him, but hurt me as well.

Then my sil just got pregnant with their second child ( and they werent even trying! maybe we should try that?!) It took everything to not cry at the dinner table when they told us. And I am happy for them, and wish them the best, but at the same time , I am upset. I have a friend who is due any day now, and a few that just gave birth, and a few more that are ttc.

So any tips on how to deal with people at the upcoming christmas dinner? I KNOW with the SILs news of being preggers that i will be looked at next. and the sil, is always making comment, about her first child needing a niece or nephew.

WHEW! That feels better just to type it out!!
Sorry if its confusing!

Jaime - 27 (All clear so far)
DH - 34 (low count and low motility)

Been ttc since July 2010
Just started down the specialist road…
:babydust: ,:bsv: and:bfp: for everyone!


#2

Unfortunately, I don’t think there is any easy way to deal with folks when it comes to the comments they make about IF. Until you’ve been through it yourself, you really can’t comprehend all the emotions and stress it can bring to a couple. You just have to realize that most people are well-intentioned when they make their comments. Having a child is the next step after marriage, and they expect everyone to be able to make it happen. Because it’s such a personal topic, many of us that are going through it don’t openly discuss it with everyone we know. This leads to many people not knowing just how prevalent fertility struggles are. It will help if you can come up with a quick “brush off” type answer that lets people know in a nice way that it’s really none of their business. My DH and I are religious, so we’d usually just give a quick “whenever God thinks we’re ready” to strangers. Dealing with family and close friends can be a little more difficult, because you most likely will have told them a little more, which means they will be full of “helpful” tips. You’ll just have to let them know that while you appreciate the suggestions, you’re seeing a specialist for a medical condition, and whenever they bring it up, it upsets you. Tell them that you will keep them apprised of the info they need to know. Good luck with everything, and I hope you can have a merry Christmas.


#3

Thank you for the reply :D. And its so true, that unless they have gone through it themselves. They don’t understand. Although my mil and fil. Took 3 yrs and had trouble with both DH and my sil, they are the biggest pushers, and comments. So DH told them to please back off, which makes it nicer.

Hope you have a great christmas too!!


#4

People who’ve not been through it really have no idea at all. We too have a male factor.

Initially my BIL had agreed to be a donor for us. About three weeks before our cycle he backed out. (His crazy wife at the time just could “handle it”, never mind this was between my DH and his brother) but I digress.

We were crushed. There was no way in HELL I was going to go to Christmas and sit at the same table with that *****. I decided why should I have to? We took a mini vacation instead and made a point to not even be in town. My MIL totally understood and so did my parents.

Incidentally, the crazy ex wife became a drug addict. None of her kids wanted to live with her. She had two from one marriage, one from another and then one with my BIL. She hadn’t spoken in my nephew in over a year when she died.

Seems so wrong that my crack whore (LITERALLY) ex sister in law could have children… but my husband and my love wasn’t enough to make it happen.

Hang in there. If you don’t want to go to Christmas I think you should totally take the year off and do something fun! Even if it’s for a few days.


#5

Pixelpie, WOW. That is unreal! And I know I really wonder why some people can have kids but we can’t !!

We run a boarding kennel, and can’t go away at xmas, we have a nice trip planned with our friends ( also infertile so no stupid comments!). But I think I will just cut xmas party short.

Not everyone knows that we are trying, and I jokinginly said we should print up cards ( or a tshirt) that says this:

There are thousands of couples, desperate to have a child, who struggle with infertility mostly in silence. Every time they see smiling parents at the playground, or go to a baby shower its a painful experience - reminding them of the joy that they can’t have. I’m not going to tell you whether we are one of those couples or not, because its not your business, I’m just going to tell you how hurtful your well intentioned question is to someone who is. Please don’t ask me, or anyone else again.

Found that answer on the internet and LOVED it!


#6

[QUOTE=InStyle]Pixelpie, WOW. That is unreal! And I know I really wonder why some people can have kids but we can’t !!

We run a boarding kennel, and can’t go away at xmas, we have a nice trip planned with our friends ( also infertile so no stupid comments!). But I think I will just cut xmas party short.

Not everyone knows that we are trying, and I jokinginly said we should print up cards ( or a tshirt) that says this:

There are thousands of couples, desperate to have a child, who struggle with infertility mostly in silence. Every time they see smiling parents at the playground, or go to a baby shower its a painful experience - reminding them of the joy that they can’t have. I’m not going to tell you whether we are one of those couples or not, because its not your business, I’m just going to tell you how hurtful your well intentioned question is to someone who is. Please don’t ask me, or anyone else again.

Found that answer on the internet and LOVED it![/QUOTE]

Love that answer!