Newbie How to ask for Donor Egg


#1

Hi everyone,

I am new or returning to this forum after a few years.

I went through 3 years of fertility with my own eggs and I am now going to try a couple of donor cycles b/4 moving on to adoption.

I am looking for what is called a “known” donor, as I want the child to know their heritage. I have no sister or first cousin who is the right age. I am asking some distant family members who live out of state, some in Washington and some in Missouri. I would like some family relation no matter how small. I am thinking the child would just view the person as another “cousin.”

Wondering if anyone has any advice on how to start a conversation like this with my relatives.

Thanks!

Jill


#2

Honestly, I dont think they will understand unless they have been in your shoes.

You can begin by telling them your struggles to conceive and carry to term and ask them what they think about egg donation and just kind of get their feelings and views about it first. I’m sorry :(. I have thought about asking my family members to be a surrogate but I think they would think I’m crazy to even ask such a huge favor.


#3

If you have been open about your infertility struggles and have explained that you have bad eggs, they should have caught on. My sister, best friend, and another friend all expressed interest in donating eggs and 2 of them offered to be surrogates. Unfortunately, none were good candidates because of some medical issues.

I would explain my infertility details to your family members and be very honest that you feel that you only chance to be pregnant is through an egg donor. Then express you feelings that you would like your donor to be from your family and explain your reasoning. If they bite…move forward. If not, then I’d take it that they aren’t interested.

My RE felt very strongly against using known donors for donor egg cycles. We chose an anonymous egg donor and our sperm donor has agreed to be contacted once the kids are 18. I do understand your desire for family though, as we don’t want to anonymously donate our 4 remaining blasts. Any baby/babies born from them will be our children’s only genetic siblings…so we want them to be able to contact them.

Best of luck as you begin the process! Join us on the Donor Thread DEII…lots of ladies there!


#4

Are these relatives you are close to and keep in touch with or are you going to ask a distant relative that you haven’t maintained contact with over the years?

For me, personally, even with all I’ve been through, having a second cousin (or more distant) relative contact me and want to use my eggs as donor eggs (which means having me go through a stim cycle and retrieval) would just be weird to me.

I know you want your child to have “heritage” but it will have heritage - even if it’s not related to you by blood - it will still be [I]your[/I] child.

I just can’t really see this going well.

If I were you I would also look into donor eggs.

I don’t have any advice on how to ask them because I think you might be asking too much of someone that probably doesn’t understand what you have gone through.


#5

When my first cycles of injectables were going south, I panicked and called my sister about possibly being an egg donor. She is younger than me and in great health…she would be an ideal candidate. She was all about it, and it really made me feel better, like I had a “back up plan” if my eggs turned out to be bad.

We ended up getting pregnant with TI/injectables a few months later and are now pregnant with #2 after IVF. I can safely say that, looking back, I am REALLY glad she did not donate us an egg. She says the same thing. While I might feel differently if it had come to that, it would be really, really weird knowing that our child had her DNA…even though it’s so close to mine. I think it would feel weird on our marriage and in my relationship with my son. I like to think otherwise, but I’m being honest with myself. When baby #2 wasn’t progressing as we’d hoped, we talked about doing donor eggs with an anonymous donor for that reason.

Obviously, this is a personal choice. But, for us, the knee jerk reaction of wanting a “biologically related” child ended up feeling wrong in the long term. You can feel them out and see what they say, but first make sure it’s absolutely what you want. Genetic/RE counselling would be an excellent idea. Best wishes!


#6

A Similar Situation

I recently asked a cousin of mine to be a donor. I was very nervous because we live far from each other, and we aren’t close, although I have always admired her. She agreed with such grace that I admire her even more, and hope that my child inherits her generosity and maturity.

Sometimes I see posts saying things like, “I thought about using this donor, and I didn’t, and now I’m happy I didn’t do it.”. How can you know that you wouldn’t have been thrilled if you had done it? At one point people made similar comments about IVF; e.g., “I would feel weird having a child that was born in a test tube rather than during an act of love.”. But, I believe that for most of us, once you hold that baby in your arms, all of these things we’re intellectualizing become immaterial. Similar to another poster, you will feel like this is absolutely what was supposed to happen, and you wont be able to imagine it another way.

With my cousin, my dad first broached the subject with my aunt to see if she thought my cousin might consider it. She asked my cousin, who said she was happy to do it. This was relayed back to me, and then I called my cousin.

I can think of so many advantages of using a family member. It can be hard to find the endurance to go through this process, and intimidating to ask family members, but it also can be really rewarding.

Best of luck in your decision!