Open versus anonomys


#1

My story- First of all I need to tell you that Im 30 weeks pregnant with our perfect little boy who was concieved via IVF and a private embryo adoption. We met our donors in an online support group for infertility. I had talked about our story of infertility and been told by our dr days earlier that we needed to consider embryo adoption. I recieved a private message from an amazing woman who was looking for the right couple and through my post she decided it might be me. After getting to know one another we ended up having paperwork drawn up and shipping our adopted embryos to our clinic for transfer. It couldnt have been more perfect. Our agreement reads whatever contact my husband and I feel is appropriate, whether it be pictures or strongr contact. We stay in touch for medical purposes and when the kids are 18, if they want to know, we give them all the information so they can find the donors. Out of the 4 embryos adopted we have this baby left. The first 2 we pit back ennded in chemical pregnancy. The last 2 started as twin pregnancy and we lost one at 12 weeks. I believe that God blessed me to be his mother and I couldnt be happier with the contact we have had with the donors. We were blessed in everyway to find them.
My concerns- i never think that he will feel like he was given away. I will teach him that to take the steps to do an ivf cycle, the parents already love and want you, for this is such a hard thing to go through. But sometime God blesses us with an abundance so that we can share with others who do not have the same things we have. His donors shared the most precious gift with us and they chose us. Out of evryone in the world they chose us! However, one day, he will search for his bio family. My fear is that he will then have two moms. I will tell you all, his dna does not matter to me. I am carrying him and he is my perfect little man. I do have recently turned 2 yr old little girl who was the only miracle we will ever have and I tell you now that this pregnancy ( while easier on my bady) is the same. I was that mommy who laughed when I got morning sickness because i never thought id have that. I smile and giggle when he moves now. I imagine who he will look like and how mich hair he will have. I love him as much as I love my baby girl for he is MINE. So I do worry aboyt how our family dynamix will change when he is old enough to search for them.
I also would really love to have anothr child via embryo adoption. If we use an anonomys clinic, the child will never have that information. Will this be more detremental on him/ her?? I feel like they deserve that information if they want it. Should I search for another private semi open adoption? What would you do???


#2

I wish I could adequately respond to this as it is such an important question I think, but obviously one that is very emotional too.

First I think it is wonderful that you are even considering it as I read a thread not too long ago where the adoptive parents were soooo threatened by the potential outcome of their child seeking their bio history that they shut out any thought about it and didn’t want the information for their child’s benefit later. They even said that if they did a good job as parents then the kids wouldn’t need to seek out that info anyway which I personally think is 1.) untrue as I feel that it is normal for individual’s to want to know where they came from and that desire has nothing to do with how well they were loved or treated by their parents and 2.) is an incredibly selfish position since it is based on their own feelings that they are this childs parents and their feelings of the family dynamic/relationship changing and as such gives no thought to the potential needs/desires of the child/individual.

I believe that if you are open to having this info in case your child later on wants to know then they will discover bio parents that wanted to help others, but also that you were chosen by them and that you carried them and wanted them so to me this is a good balance and is positive. If, on the other hand, the parents choose not to gain that info when it was available to them out of fear or refuse to share the info out of fear then the child will be resentful I think and that would do more harm to the dynamic/relationship than gaining the info knowing they may want it and sharing it with confidence that your bond with the child is strong enough to endure the balance of love between the two families.

Not that you would choose not to share out of your fear because clearly that isn’t the case or you wouldn’t be asking here. I think just as the donor are amazing for donating this gift you are also amazing for thinking this through and recognizing that there are so many unknown variables, but that you want what is best for your child despite your personal fears and that makes a good parent in my opinion.

I would gain the info personally if that is an option and share it if and when the time is right.

Of course, having said that if the donors turn out to be felon’s or something then maybe that is a different scenario, but it seems to me that most donors will likely be good people hence their desire to give such a gift.

This is such an emotional decision for sure and I think you just have to do what is best for you while also considering what may be best for your child in the future. It is certainly not an easy or worry free decision for sure. :grouphug:


#3

Ahhny, thanks so much for your response. I am new here and was really feeling like I might have been overstepping by posting something so debatable here. I am however feeling much better now that you have responded. I have been trying to work through my fears because in the end what really matters is how the children feel. Which is one of the reasons that I am leaning towards another open donation. But I want to take in to consideration everything and I am sure that I have not yet thought of all of the what ifs or how come.


#4

If I decide to do this, it would either be open donation from another family for just the reasons you mentioned or double donor. It seems that telling a child that their genetic family had so much love they had to share would ease many concerns and they could know their donors as someone who is still very interested in them. Or with the double donor route, they were created just for you-- not left over or given away but always created with only you in mind.

But the more I consider it, the more worried I become that as a single person, it just isn’t the right thing for me or, more so, for a potential child. And I do mean FOR ME. I think SMCs are awesome.:thankyou:


#5

[QUOTE=waffling]If I decide to do this, it would either be open donation from another family for just the reasons you mentioned or double donor. It seems that telling a child that their genetic family had so much love they had to share would ease many concerns and they could know their donors as someone who is still very interested in them. Or with the double donor route, they were created just for you-- not left over or given away but always created with only you in mind.

But the more I consider it, the more worried I become that as a single person, it just isn’t the right thing for me or, more so, for a potential child. And I do mean FOR ME. I think SMCs are awesome.:thankyou:[/QUOTE]

I know that choosing to be a mom while single can be controversial, but the way I see it if you feel you have the love, time, and finances to give then maybe it isn’t a bad thing. I mean nothing is ever perfect in life and there is nothing that says that even if you were married you wouldn’t be single at some point after adopting as this scenario does occur, unfortunately.

IDK… clearly there are challenges to being a single mom, such as being the only one there to take time off work when baby is ill and being the only bread winner and maybe working outside the home so not having the option to stay home and raise baby and then of course you have to consider what would happen if you did find the right person to marry and if they will accept your child (though one would assume if they are worth being with then that won’t be an issue anyway).

So–IDK–lots to consider I suppose. I am sure it would help if you have lots of supportive people around you too. I think you just have to weigh it out and do what you feel is right and best in your situation. I also think that if you are young then maybe you have some time to really think about it and/or maybe even discuss it with a counselor before making a decision. That way when you do make a decision one way or the other then you will feel good about it whichever way you decide to go.


#6

I have a 2 year old DD through an anonymous donation. We struggled a lot with which route to take and honestly, we wanted an open adoption but that is not where God led us. We had a couple of open donations fall through and after having 2 domestic adoptions fall through my heart couldn’t take anymore. We found a local clinic that had a program and we got right on the list. I look at it this way: every embryo deserves a chance regardless of how they were donated. And I asked myself if someone dropped a newborn off at a local safe haven and I had the chance to adopt him would I, even though there was no medical history or way to find the family? Of course I would, so why not an embryo?

When it comes to EA there is no right or wrong way to approach it. Each family, both the donating and recipients, need to decide which way is right for their family. I hope that you find the right path for your family. :slight_smile:


#7

[QUOTE=lainey]I have a 2 year old DD through an anonymous donation. We struggled a lot with which route to take and honestly, we wanted an open adoption but that is not where God led us. We had a couple of open donations fall through and after having 2 domestic adoptions fall through my heart couldn’t take anymore. We found a local clinic that had a program and we got right on the list. I look at it this way: every embryo deserves a chance regardless of how they were donated. And I asked myself if someone dropped a newborn off at a local safe haven and I had the chance to adopt him would I, even though there was no medical history or way to find the family? Of course I would, so why not an embryo?

When it comes to EA there is no right or wrong way to approach it. Each family, both the donating and recipients, need to decide which way is right for their family. I hope that you find the right path for your family. :)[/QUOTE]

You make a really good point! And it is so true that there really isn’t a right or wrong approach. :flower:


#8

Hello Kisses,

I met my donors in a similar way to you and we have an open agreement for our embryo donation.

One suggestion I would have, to help your child better understand his story, is to NOT call it adoption. It is a donation. Like you say, a special gift, from an amazing family.

I also think that if you are planning to consider finding another donor for more children, given that you have one bio child, and one child with an open donation, wouldn’t it be really hard on a third child to be anonymously donated and have NO connection to their biological roots?

Personally, when I was given the “your eggs are no good” talk I thought that was it for me because I was unwilling to consider an anonymous donation of eggs or embryos. This is just my personal conviction, but I believe it is not right to bring a human into the world that will then be completely unable to trace their roots. It’s one thing if you are actually adopting a child from an orphanage who has no way to find their roots anyway, but intentionally creating a new life that is for all intents and purposes genetically orphaned, seems irresponsible to me. This may sound harsh, but keep in mind that in many countries, anonymous donation isn’t even legal.

That’s my two cents.

I will say that open donation is HARD! It’s emotionally challenging for the donors and the recipients and it is essentially unchartered territory. But it is so so so worth it! My donors get to see the family they helped create and my children get to know their biological heritage.