Ouch-how to deal with preg announcements from friends?


#1

After my yearlong journey of TTC, after the last few months of failed IUIs and IVF, two of my closest friends who I’ve shared with all of my journey have told me this week that they’re pregnant.

Thankfully, both over email. I was able to fake a brave response to the first one fighting through tears, but today a second has just shared her news, and it’s hit me even harder.

I’m supposed to see them both on Wednesday for dinner, and they both wanted to tell me before we saw each other (we only see each other every month or so).

I’m resentful, bitter, sad, etc but obviously not about them, just about my struggle.

Any advice or support?

Thanks :frowning:


#2

I know it sucks. I lived with this for 10 years. My best advice is to try your best to get over it. I know, that is a hard pill to swallow, but it really is in your best interest. Try to remember that these babies are miracles too, and that they will be better off knowing you and having your love. Try to be the best ‘auntie’ they could ever have.

Because…cutting your friends out of your life and being bitter because they are fortunate enough to get pregnant will only hurt you in the end. You don’t want to be that person. You don’t want to be the girl who people have to walk on eggshells around. Be open about your conflict and struggle - your friends will appreciate your honesty. Tell them that you are totally jealous AND happy for them. It just might be that you have to go through 10 years of infertility before having a child of your own (like I did) - love the children you can love - cuddle them and kiss them, and let them love you. A child’s love is a wonderful thing - even if it’s not your child.


#3

I understand how you feel…MY first IVF…Two of my friends got pregnant…(they are sisters) and my sister got pregnant with twins. All during the same month I got my first :bfn: . I just told them that I was happy for them. But due to my own issues it was hard. They all had Girls. One of my friends said “she was sorry about my struggle and next year was going to be my year and all the focus was going to be on me” LOL…funny how that works because at first I was angry she said that…but the next year I got pregnant and no one else around me was…And I got all the attention…

Just be as supportive as much as possible but explain to them your pain/anger. and tell them it’s not toward them. I’m sure they will understand


#4

Well Said Maryevelyn


#5

Thanks maryevelyn and logan!

Good advice!

Luckily, I’ve been able to say all the “right things” over email in response to their news, but seeing them on Wednesday night might be a little harder.

They have been tiptoeing around me because they knew I’d been failing.

Strangely, at hearing both of their news is the only times I’ve been able to cry about our problems.


#6

[quote=Hope127]Thanks maryevelyn and logan!

Good advice!

Luckily, I’ve been able to say all the “right things” over email in response to their news, but seeing them on Wednesday night might be a little harder.

They have been tiptoeing around me because they knew I’d been failing.

Strangely, at hearing both of their news is the only times I’ve been able to cry about our problems.[/quote]

I am sure they have some idea how you are feeling, and talking to them about it will probably be a relief for all of you. Cry! Cry, cry, cry - because it SUCKS! And let them know it. Tell them whether you would rather they talk about their pregnancies or if you don’t want to hear about it. They will probably assume you don’t want to hear about it, and it might be weird to have a big ol elephant in the room everytime you are together.

I have always been a big believer in being real and upfront about my infertility. When people ask me if I ‘only’ have one child, I immediately tell them that it took 11 years to make her so we have 8 to go before we are due for another. LOL at the looks on their faces! Don’t hide your pain - it will only fester.


#7

I have been on both ends of this. Recently I was the one who had to share my pregnancy with three trying to conceive sister’s. One of which has severe endo and lost a tube to an ectopic that nearly killed her a couple years ago. My sister’s do not have the insurance or finances I have and so are not in a position to afford treatments that I am so fortunate and thankful to have. It was very difficult for me to share my news though knowing they may be heartbroken for themselves and that their feelings of sadness might overshadow the happiness that I felt and that they wanted to have for me.

Thankfully all of my sister’s did move through their feelings and are happy for my blessing.

I think it is important to realize that this too is difficult for them in the fact that they do care about your struggle and obviously wanted to share the news before seeing you and likely did it by email after considering that you might need time to digest the info. Hopefully they will continue to realize this is difficult for you and be sensitive to that and at the same time you need to try to be tolerant if they are excited for their pregnancies as clearly you would be too if it were you. I think if both sides does their best to understand one another’s difficulties and excitements and are both sensitive to those needs then it can all go well and hopefully without too much resentment.

Realize that your feelings of resentment and bitterness are normal, but so are theirs of excitement ya know. I am not saying that this is going to be easy for you and you aren’t going to want to run to the bathroom and ball your eyes out, but hopefully you can find a way to be excited for them knowing that your time is coming too. Definitely easier said than done, but we are strong women and can make it. :grouphug:

:cross: you time is right around the corner too. :babydust: :babydust:


#8

Infertility is hard. But, I don’t think it could’ve been said any better than Maryevelyn. :clap:

Hang in there. It will get easier with time…:grouphug:


#9

Hi Hope,

I just want to add that I agree that you should be as open as you can about your feelings with your friends, it is really hard to watch others be successful so easily when it is so hard for some of us. It helped me to realize that I wasn’t really resentful of my friends’ babies - just how easy it was; I didn’t want their babies, just my own after all! They will be your biggest cheerleaders when it is your turn. But, you don’t have to attend baby showers and birthday parties if this is too hard - give yourself a break from these big group settings and constant pregnancy talk.

When we adopted after almost 10 years of TTC, we were totally spoiled by friends, family, and people we barely knew! It was very humbling to realize that people do understand in some ways what you are going through, there’s just not a whole lot that they can do to make it better. A year later, my friends just had a surprise shower for our actual pregnancy - I never thought that I would have a “pregnant” shower.

You had an excellent fertilization rate, blast transfer, and lots of frozen embryos with your IVF - it sounds like you will be pregnant very soon! I think that at our age, so much depends on genetic luck or bad luck - I previously miscarried IVF twins, and this time they stuck. So hang in there, and it will be your time very soon! :babydust::babydust::babydust::babydust::babydust::babydust::babydust::babydust::babydust:


#10

I, too, am going through the exact same situation. I haven’t even been married a year yet (got married March 17, 2012), but we found out in April that I had fertility issues. I got so upset at one point that I considered closing my Facebook account, because I couldn’t see anymore baby announcements, baby pictures, or even pictures of children.

I’m working with it, though, and slowly trying to keep my faith for myself while also rejoicing for others. It’s hard, and I’m sorry you’re going through it, too!


#11

You have some really good advice here as far as being upfront with your friends about how you are feeling. I don’t agree with the “you will have to get over it comment”, however. You may never get over it. It sucks. You will feel better when you feel better.

I am currently in this situation as well although finally, feeling a bit better about it. A very good girlfriend of mine is now 4 months pregnant and we have both suffered multiple losses this past year so we experienced so much together. In fact, I got pregnant two weeks after she did but had yet another chemical so perhaps that is what makes it even harder. I couldn’t talk to her or if we saw each other I couldn’t even look at her for the pain it caused me. I am happy for her that she is pregnant after two previous losses but not happy myself and also angry and jealous. These are all normal feelings and they are OK to have. I emailed her and told her I was having a really hard time and asked her not to tip toe around me as that would hurt more and let me know how she is doing. The first 12 weeks were really hard for her after her losses and I get that, so wanted to be there for her, but found it super difficult. She said she is taking the lead from me. It’s still a bit awkward but I am making myself talk with her as her friendship is important and I don’t want to lose it.

As for seeing your friends. If you don’t think you can, don’t. You don’t have to. I couldn’t do it for awhile and still find it hard. Define what is best for you. If they are your dear friends you won’t lose them.

I am sorry for your pain. Know that you have many sisters in the same place as you.


#12

I didn’t say ‘get over it’ ; I said ’ my advice is to TRY YOUR BEST to get over it’. Saying, ‘get over it’ is extremely condescending and patronizing and minimizes the pain that infertility causes. I would NEVER tell someone to ‘get over it’. My point was that by distancing oneself from friends and their babies, you are essentially isolating yourself which in my opinion makes all of the hurt worse. Thats JMHO.


#13

I don’t think the OP took it that way. I think that what Maryevelyn said was on-point.

This is how I took it:

How can you expect anyone to be sympathetic and supporting of what you’re going through if you in turn can’t do the same??? Right?

You get what you give. This journey is difficult, we all know that. It’s even more difficult to swallow someone else’s pregnancy when you yourself can’t or are having a hard time conceiving. I get it. But dismissing your friends for the sake of your own pitty party isn’t the way to keep people in your corner. It can come off rather selfish if you ask me.

By saying to “Try your best and get over it” is to me, like saying okay, I need to be supportive of my friends in the same manner that I’d expect them to be supportive of me. Not in any form did I feel as if it came off as condescending. :flower:

Either way, good luck Hope, and hang in there…Like I said before, it gets easier with time and a lot of patience & understanding! :grouphug:

Bree


#14

Before I had my son, I was faced with the same challenge. The one thing that I held to was my faith that my turn was coming. I never felt jealous because I truly believed that what God has for them is for them and what God has for me is for me. I never allowed myself to pull away from my friends that were pregnant or had kids. I never missed baby showers, in fact I hosted some. My atittude was that I did for my family and friends what I would have wanted someone to do for me. If someone is truly a friend that will be mindful of your feelings and not over do the baby talk. But at the same time it isn’t fair to our friends to make them damper their joy because of us. I had a friend that lost her daughter. She got remarried and wanted another child really bad. It wasn’t happening for her. She had miscarriage and then people all around her starting getting pregnant including me. We all understood her pain and knew how bad she wanted another child. But every time somebody got pregnant she pulled away and it impacting her relationships. I remember holding out for a long time before telling her that I was pregnant. I actually felt a level of guilt and felt uncomfortable sharing the news with her. When she finally got pregnant she starting calling all the time again and that was a hard seed to swallow because I felt like, when I needed you, I needed some support you weren’t there but now you are blowing up my phone. I decided to get over my feelings and I was there for her anyway. All of that to say that friendships and life are about balance. We have to some times make things about us and some times we have to make it about others. I say find that balance of being able to cry and be sad for yourself with out stealing all of the joy from your friends.


#15

[quote=Hope127] I’m resentful, bitter, sad, etc but obviously not about them, just about my struggle.

Any advice or support?

Thanks :([/quote]

Hope127 - You have gotten a lot of great advice here! Here’s a little bit of what I’ve learned over the many years of our infertility struggles. One things I have found out (just from life in general# is that we all struggle with something! It might not be infertility and it might not be obvious what someone else is struggling with, but we all have something in this life that is hard for each of us! In a way it reminds of the song by the Beattles #inspired by scripture) “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven…A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 4) Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all be in the seasons together at the same time. We could weep because everyone is and dance because everyone is, unfortunately we aren’t all in the seasons at the same time. Life isn’t easy! I have hosted the baby showers and I have avoided the baby showers. I have ignored my own selfish jealousy and I’ve given into many hours of crying. For these various stages I have been it has all been different depending on where I am in life. One of the important things is to support each other with our struggles. What might be hard for one person may not be hard for a different person. We each have trials that we struggle with and we shouldn’t compare our problems just support each other.

Susse - what you have been through and are now going through is a hard thing! When I was pregnant with Sammie I had a close coworker who was also pregnant. She was due the month before me. I loved hearing her updates and it was exciting. After I lost Sammie I did my best to keep my friendship with her, but every time I saw her child it was a painful reminder of what I was suppose to have. We were ex coworkers so I only saw pictures on facebook, but I had eventually unfriend her because I couldn’t handle the picture reminders of where my daughter was suppose to be. She never understood, but there isn’t much I could do about that. I hope you are able to keep your friendship. There is a difference in my situation in that she wasn’t a close best friend. I would have probably worked harder, but it’s possible I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. Loss is a hard thing and you have to allow yourself to grieve. Be aware there are days that will hit you hard when you aren’t necessarily prepared for it to hurt. When my 19 yoa niece gave birth to her daughter 6 months ago I was devastated in a way I wasn’t prepared for. I spent over a week bawling and wondering why am I taking this so hard. I knew she was pregnant I had dealt with that I had thought and it didn’t make any sense to me why I was having such a hard time. I have since figured out why it was so hard for me, but I’m just saying it can be hard!

[quote=maryevelyn]I know it sucks…My best advice is to try your best to get over it. I know, that is a hard pill to swallow, but it really is in your best interest. …
Because…cutting your friends out of your life and being bitter because they are fortunate enough to get pregnant will only hurt you in the end. [/quote]

Here’s how I took what Maryevelyn said (BTW, I loved your advice!!# You have to try to find someway to move past the hurt! It’s not easy by any means! Sometimes I have sat at home and thought I can’t go to so and so’s baby shower. I don’t know how much more I can take so and so talking about their pregnancy when I would give my left arm to be going through the same things that she is complaining about. In the end when I have put my feelings aside and gone to the shower or hung out or went to the hospital to see my closest friends and their little ones I have never regretted it! Sometimes I have been able to forget about my own struggle for a short time frame while I celebrated with them their happy news and days! Sometimes I haven’t. The first baby shower I attended after my daughter’s death #I even made the cake for# I had to leave early. It was a double shower and one of the pregnant women happened to be my best friend and when I couldn’t take anymore baby shower she had a great excuse to leave #she had a rough pregnancy and would have rather been in bed than out) as I was her ride.

I think the thing is you have to listen to yourself. Do what you can do. Try not to talk yourself out of stuff just because you think it will be too hard. Go and if it’s too hard then leave. You might find that you are having fun hanging with others and you might find that you can’t find the bathroom fast enough so the tears can fall. Each day is different and each situation is different. And hey whose to say the tears you cry with your friends isn’t a happy tear for them and a sad tear for yourself. It’s ok to be happy and sad at the same time!

Nilah - I just wanted to say I am glad you are able to have your friendship back. I have now buried a child and gone through IF for 13 years. If I had to rank the two the worst was burying the child! I never pulled away from pregnant friends and like I said I hosted the baby showers too; until, I buried my child! I avoided babies and people with babies. I had a hard time. One thing that helped me was the first advice I gave up top which is we all have struggles and all of our struggles are different. Again I’m glad you were able to look past your hurt and love your friend again! Nothing I have ever dealt with so far in my life (and I hope not to find the thing that is worse) has compared to burying my child.


#16

Hi All,
I do appreciate this discussion. I have an experience I wanted to share and hopefully get some understanding. Last year I became acquainted with a woman who is 46 and dealing with trying to get pregnant with her own eggs. She thought about the same things I did in terms of supplements and organic foods etc.

One afternoon she asked me if I would have lunch with her at the last minute- she sounded like she was in emotional crisis. I met with her and she talked about how she wanted to leave her husband. i shared with her the strains infertility put on my marriage and how common it is to have this.

A little over a month later she asks if would meet with her to have a walk in the park. I meet with her and we talk. I did not ask her about where she was with the infertility or marriage because I didn’t want to pry into something if she preferred to private. All along I’m confiding her bits and pieces about where I am with the treatments. I remember telling about an inspirational story of 46 y.o. woman who got pregnant and her response was like “oh- I see.” After we walked in the park and I drive her back to her home, I get an uncomfortable feeling about her - but I can’t put my finger on why. A little over 2 months later I get an email message from her letting me know she is 5 months pregnant. At first I congratulated her with big smiley face. Really- I love to see a woman overcome such phenomenal odds to get pregnant because it gives me hope. But then when I think about it - I get really sad and upset. I cry, cry, and cry (granted some of this could hormonal and some of this could be scope of what I’ve been through).

Honestly - I wish she either just told me she was pregnant or she didn’t initiate any meetings with me. I feel angry that she would initiate a meeting with me knowing she is pregnant and I am still TTC. The whole point of our getting together was to support one another in TTC.

When I told my DH about the situation - he speaks like he understands, but I’m not sure if he does. Does anyone get why something like this bothersome to me?

Since I’ve been going through the infertility, I have not been someone who will spend time with someone if it doesn’t feel comfortable. Today I have limits I never knew I had before I got married. I tend to quickly seek out other activities to replace a situation that makes me feel uncomfortable.

yes the pain I feel is enough to make me not want to pick up the phone when I feel insensitive or overly bubbly person calls me. I just can’t force it. More power to the woman who can.


#17

[quote=Hope127]After my yearlong journey of TTC, after the last few months of failed IUIs and IVF, two of my closest friends who I’ve shared with all of my journey have told me this week that they’re pregnant.

Thankfully, both over email. I was able to fake a brave response to the first one fighting through tears, but today a second has just shared her news, and it’s hit me even harder.

I’m supposed to see them both on Wednesday for dinner, and they both wanted to tell me before we saw each other (we only see each other every month or
I’m resentful, bitter, sad, etc but obviously not about them, just about my struggle.

Any advice or support?

Thanks :([/quote]

A wise Chinese lady told me that being positive and around pregnant people creates magic. It will happen, trust me.
Rub their tummys and be positve and happy for them. Your turn will come.


#18

To the OP, this may or may not be advice that would apply to everyone universally, but for my wife and I, we try to avoid friends or acquaintances when they are in the whole pregnancy/newborn phase. People who are pregnant or have a newborn tend to be awash in parental instinct, which ultimately makes them self-absorbed and they generally expect the world to revolve around them. This is perfectly natural. Unfortunately, this also means that their thoughts during these times will be turned inward, not outward to what may or may not hurt your feelings. Engage them too much and there’s a good chance they’ll be inviting you out to go clothes shopping for the baby-to-be, whether or not they know you have fertility problems or not.

I’m not trying to be cynical or anything, but that’s just sort of the reality. At gatherings, if there is a newborn, everyone will swoon over it and the mother/father will beam proudly at their Darwinian achievement. Sure, you can smile and tough your way through it 3-4 times a month like I have for the sake of being polite, but in the end, it adds a lot of stress and heartache to your life.

I’ve learned to keep my distance from friends or extended family that are going through that 3 year period. My wife and I still visit on holidays and such, but we don’t visit on a weekly basis. We learned the hard way. Most people just don’t get how hard infertility is unless they’ve experienced it themselves. Simply telling them how we felt was problematic, too, because if we did, it would imply that they should some how tone down their joyous behavior for our sake.

I don’t want to sound like a downer, and yeah, it would be great if we could all transform ourselves into paragons of virtue and stoicism on command. To be frank though, sometimes we just need to find ways to spare ourselves the heartache.

However, once the kids grow to be about 2-3 years old and baby-fever is over, things get better though. There isn’t that conspicuous carnival atmosphere around the mother or the child, anymore… that carnival atmosphere that celebrates a person’s miraculous ability to do something that you apparently can’t.

My wife and I thoroughly enjoy our time with the boy and girl twins that our friends have, and since they aren’t babies anymore, they aren’t constantly swarmed by everyone else, which means we get them all to ourselves! By the end of our visits, we feel better about our infertility issues than we did before.


#19

I think there is a pervasive mentality in the IF world that everyone should automatically know, understand, and sympathize with our disease even without us talking about it. People have no reason to understand our struggle when we don’t talk about it. We can’t expect people to feel sorry for our losses if we never told them about our cycles.

Along the same vein, if we have no compassion, support, or understanding for our friends (including their successes and pregnancies), then how can we possibly expect them to have the same for us?

You have to be a good friend to have a good friend.


#20

maryevelyn you took the thoughts right out of my head. Dealing with infertility is hard but if you only want to be friends with someone when they are struggling with you or when you get pregnant or when it works for you, I would rather not be your friend. I understand that you have to take time for yourself to get needed breaks or to not be overwhelmed by baby, baby, baby all of the time. I get that. But if you can’t be happy for someone that has achieved the Darwinian achievement that you are striving for it is just selfish. JMHO.

Shasie- I totally get why you were upset. I don’t think it was because she was pregnant. It was because she was dishonest and selfish. It would have been different if you had initiated the contact but she did. It would have been different if she had shared the news before the meeting.