I don’t know where to begin - the last time I wrote on this forum I was sharing my joy and now I’m looking for answers to an unanswerable questions… Why??? For those folks who are not familiar with me, I’m 31 and I’ve struggled with fertility for the last 7 years but I only started seeing an RE in the last 2 years. I was pregnant last June and lost that pregnancy at 8 weeks. No matter how early the loss, we were devastated and even though the doctor cleared us to start trying again the following month, we didn’t get back to it until 6 months later. Our next cycle started out as an IUI but I overstimlated and it wound being our very first IVF cycle. Imagine our surprise when we found out that both embryos took and we were pregnant with twins… We were through the moon. But there was always a voice in the back of my head - something that terrified me before every appointment. At 18 weeks, I had just started being comfortable with the idea of being pregnant when we found out that I had a short cervix. The day we found out that I would inevitably lose this pregnancy, I also found out that it was a boy and a girl… I should be living the dream - a boy and a girl and my family should’ve been complete. Instead I had to prepare myself on how to deal with their loss. What a cruel world this is - that I would be given everything I ever wanted, only to have it ripped away from me so abruptly. At 22 weeks and 2 days, my beautiful baby boy and girl, Elijah and Isabella were born. Isabella’s breathing was weak so they wrapped my baby girl up and handed her to me and I held her until she went to heaven. Elijah fought all day, but at night, just before he turned 1 day old, his heart rate dropped and we made the decision that no parent should ever have to make… We took our baby boy off of the machines and held him until he joined his sister in heaven. My heart will never be whole again. I think about my babies every day. I get so tired of those awkard looks of sympathy or from the typical repsonses, “you’re young, it’ll happen again, some day you’ll be a mommy!” I wanna scream “but it DID happen, I AM a mom!” People don’t realize, motherhood began from the second I found out I was pregnant and it doesn’t end just because my babies are gone! I will always me a Mama and it’s all because of Isabella and Elijah… The fact that they were too premature to survive doesn’t nulify the fact that they were here… They existed! And in my heart, they always will!
I have my days where I can think of nothing else but the babies that I lost that will live on in my heart. Then I have other days where I function normally and it’s pretty much business as usual. And I haven’t lost faith that some day my husband and I will be parents again… But my challenge right now is overcoming the huge emptiness I feel at the loss of these children. And once we do, how do I overcome the crippling fear that it will happen again? I would like to try again someday soon but I don’t know if I could take another loss. My heart is shattered as it is… I’m just trying to pick up the pieces, you know?!