Phrases that irritate you most... and how you coup


#1

I read recently a blog post about the phrases that irritate you most when you have a fertility issue. The winner for me is the question: “When are you planning a (another) baby?” It just drives me crazy sometimes. The worst thing is that quite often people who are aware of your situation are asking this. I just cannot understand why they do that… Do they feel a winner or privileged in comparison to you or they just don’t understand that it hurts?

Another one is “You need to think about a (another) baby, you are not getting younger”… Really? I had no idea about that…

Am I a bad person that get angry about this? I even tried to tell them I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Sometimes I say we don’t want more kids (we have a miracle IUI baby), sometimes that we have health issues or that it is not a right time for us and even: “that is our personal business” (the last one is not a nice one in our culture. Your personal business is everyone’s…) I don’t know, I don’t feel comfortable telling everyone that we cannot have kids and might not ever have more kids… I just can’t say it loud :frowning:

What irritates you most? How do you react? Is there a way to manage all those people very interested in your family plans?


#2

Mine is “if it’s meant to be, it will happen”.

That always seems to come from people with children.


#3

Not exactly related to infertility but my absolute least favorite thing is “when you have kids then you’ll understand.”

Luckily I don’t get this as much as much as I did when I first got married (and wasn’t TTC).

I think the next person who says this kind of thing to me will be getting a very long lecture on how much time an infertile couple has to think on all the subtleties of parenting.


#4

[QUOTE=ilovemydog]Mine is “if it’s meant to be, it will happen”.

That always seems to come from people with children.[/QUOTE]

I know. I hate it too… whether people say it without understanding just to comfort you, or they really mean to hurt you (I hope most don’t…)


#5

[QUOTE=Verduranti]Not exactly related to infertility but my absolute least favorite thing is “when you have kids then you’ll understand.”

Luckily I don’t get this as much as much as I did when I first got married (and wasn’t TTC).

I think the next person who says this kind of thing to me will be getting a very long lecture on how much time an infertile couple has to think on all the subtleties of parenting.[/QUOTE]

I agree…


#6

Verduranti, thanks, yes, I know that too…

I now have a miracle one, but I get instead “you have only one, wait till you have more…” and then you unavoidably think of a possibility, that you’d like to avoid…

How can we make people be more sensitive?


#7

My husband and my mom both have said this to me before “well its because you worried about it that it happened” Before we were ttc I was worried we’d have problems. I don’t know why I was worried I just was. I’ve been worried since I was 16 and it turns out that I just new in my gut that it was going to be a problem. My husband and Mom seem to think that its my fault for thinking in the first place like its something I could have controlled!!! I blew up at my husband this week about it and don’t think he’ll be saying anything like this soon…


#8

The only way for them to stop from saying that is for you to educate them that it is not your fault. Tell them no worrying is not the reason why you can’t get pregnant. I always share my piece of mind when someone dare to ask me stupid questions like that. Here is one thing you can say about worrying and fertility:

“So if you think stress, worrying and depression can affect fertility, why do rape victims get pregnant?”

Another one of my favorites come from my husband’s mouth when his mother asked when we’re going to have a baby:

“Ask God”. Well he thinks she put him and his brother through radiation or something when they were kids because his brother and wife also can’t have children.


#9

"Relax"
That is a trigger word in my house. I wish people would just stop telling me to relax, and it will happen! Even writing the word irritates me :slight_smile: It’s funny…my DH knows how much I hate this word, so when someone says it, I can see him twinge :slight_smile:

I have to also agree with the “you will understand when you have kids” (thanks for rubbing it in)

A.M. I don’t think (and I really hope) people don’t ask you when you are planning for your second baby to be hurtful. I think they are just curious about what’s happening. It’s natural for people to want to know. (I understand the mind your own business concept, but really - if you’re European like me - that concept doesn’t exist) I would like to think that when people ask, it’s because they want the best for you.


#10

Thanks for sharing your phrases and thoughts.

Pandorata, I find it really annoying when people think like that… Good, you talked to your husband and good, he will stop saying that. It is just more unfair than the fact of fertility issues, like you made those for yourself… it is just wrong. Those things are just not in our hands…

I agree with Alexi. Good points.


#11

Kika, yes, relax can drive me crazy even if it’s not about fertility issue. Like one can relax just hearing that word… I know that…

And thanks for your thoughts about my phrases… I am sure most of the people don’t want to hurt, when saying anything like that. It just hurts, like sometimes seeing a pregnant woman or a newborn hurts… I know that and I know there is no way I can stop feeling hurt about this…

I guess I posted this here, because those are things you won’t tell your pregnant friend or friend with kids, because you don’t want them to be sorry about you. Those are things I don’t discuss with my sister or mother, because they will be even more sorry about me and that will hurt them too… And yes, I guess it is very difficult to understand and imagine all the pain that families with fertility issues go through unless you’ve been there…


#12

no filter

My favorite is…“maybe you’re not doing it right”

How does one “do it right”???

Or the other favorite…“still nothing?”

I hear ya sista, you kinda have to suck it up and just smile.

I have two baby showers to go to this month for younger cousins…both already have one kid. Can’t wait to hear the comments again…maybe there will be new ones that somehow funny. But I doubt it.

Good luck to you!!! Hope we all get :preg: soon!!! :babydust:


#13

LOL at fiveeighteen!!!


#14

Fiveeighteen, that’s really something. On that comment I would have nothing else to say but to ask to demonstrate it to me… :slight_smile:

Patience with baby showers and really good luck to all of us!!!


#15

:slight_smile:

You just kinda half to laugh to keep from crying A.M. and alexi.

Sometimes I just joke about my situation so that I don’t have to deal with my real feelings. Don’t know if that’s healthy or not, but whatevs!

I also have a family wedding to go to today…i bet it only takes two minutes before the first relative asks the question.

Gotta come up with a fresh new answer!


#16

“Just wait until you have kids” because I guess I haven’t been waiting long enough… both my sister and husbands brother blame EVERYTHING on their kids. She’s a slob because - wait for it - just wait till you have kids! Or she’s needs to lose weight because…you’ve guessed it! It’s not because she eats like crap and NEVER exercises, it’s because… JUST WAIT TILL YOU HAVE KIDS!! So annoying.


#17

too much

You ladies are not gonna believe this…but I got invited to another baby shower this month!!!

That makes 3 baby showers I have to go to!

I must have done something bad to be put through this torture!

any advice?


#18

OhForCakesSake - you are SO right…or how about, “you’ll understand when you have kids” (please refer to my previous thread titled “Thoughts about becoming a mother”)
I have a very similar sister-in-law who is always exhausted from one child, and “I’ll understand when I have kids” GAH!

fiveeightten, I just got a baby shower invite this weekend too. Plus I am going to a 1st and 2nd year old’s birthday this month. It’s hard, because you’re thinking it should be you. I always say to my husband “when is it MY turn”

I have had my baby shower planned for years, and EVERY shower I go to I think “if they steal my ideas, I will jump them :)”

My Advise, hold your head up high, and remember you will be a WAY better mother because you have struggled for what you want. (again, you should read my other thread, it makes me feel better)


#19

[quote=ilovemydog]Mine is “if it’s meant to be, it will happen”.

That always seems to come from people with children.[/quote]

Yes! That BS always comes from people with three kids!


#20

[quote=fiveeightten]My favorite is…“maybe you’re not doing it right”

How does one “do it right”???

Or the other favorite…“still nothing?”

I hear ya sista, you kinda have to suck it up and just smile.

I have two baby showers to go to this month for younger cousins…both already have one kid. Can’t wait to hear the comments again…maybe there will be new ones that somehow funny. But I doubt it.

Good luck to you!!! Hope we all get :preg: soon!!! :babydust:[/quote]

My sister said this in front of my entire family. I completely lost it. I screamed “ok fine then you can come over and sit at the edge of the bed with a miners cap on and tell you what we are doing wrong”. Yes, it is an image from “She’s Having a Baby”.