Ready to talk


#1

Hi everyone. I took a break for a while to deal with the heartache. We went through our 1st Ivf this summer with high hopes. Everything pointed the way to success. I took an hpt and it was positive. We were over the moon. The beta hen confirmed it. But e 2nd beta showed a decrease. They made me take another to make sure and it was at less than 5. They said expect the bleeding to start. When I got the call on the second beta, I was heartbroken. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My heart hurt. Dh didn’t react well. He was mad at the doctor. He was mad at me saying this was a waste of money. That hurt me too. But eventually he ended up grieving as well. I think it was an initial angry outburst. I deal with the anxiety now. I don’t take meds for it. Going back to work was nerve wracking. I hadn’t realized I’d become so dependent on Dh and being away from him caused me to feel panicky. I lost the pregnancy in early august. I still have moments of grief and my heart races sometimes. At times, for example, a show will make me cry, and next thing I know, I’m not crying for the show anymore. I’m crying for my embabies. I watched Glee the other day & it was honoring Cory montieth. His mom on the show said “you wonder how parents live on when their children die. You feel like you can’t breathe” I bawled! Then I think I’m being dramatic b/c technically I was never a “parent.” But I loved those embryos fiercely. And seeing I was pregnant made me think of a future that didn’t happen. I guess I just want to hear that this is okay. This is normal. That I am justified feeling like a parent who lost a child/children (there were 2 embryos). Did anyone feel like this? Am I being dramatic? This was our first pregnancy. And on the outside I don’t look like a parent. But the loss of it is very real.


#2

I’m so very sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel. I don’t really have any advice, but focusing on the future always helped me eventually. Best wishes.


#3

Hi, you’re not being dramatic at all. i’m very sorry for your loss.


#4

Gigi3, I am so sorry! I think it is hard for people who have never miscarried to understand how real and how strong the pain is. Just because we never met our little ones doesn’t mean we loved them or miss them any less. And all the plans you made, all the happy hope for the future are suddenly gone. It sounds like we miscarried close to each other. I lost my baby just short of 11 weeks, over Labor Day weekend. Here’s to healing, and to hope for future joys!


#5

@gigi - I was on my first IVF with my beta this past Friday. Mine was negative, have stopped taking meds. Currently having horrible cramping (lets add insult to injury) I have so many emotions right now from, angry, sad, devastated, etc. Your loss is real and I hope it gets better for you. I am trying to figure out how to heal, I’m just lost right now.


#6

I’m sorry to hear that. The emotions lessen somewhat, but I think of it still. Sometimes I think it’s a daily thought. It’s a constant backdrop in my life. We need to pay about $900 more before we go through our FET. Patience is something that I never thought I had.


#7

hello gigi3, so sorry for what you have gone through. but do not depress. there are many cases of the IVF failures be brave and try your best…Hope for the good