I never imagined I would find myself expressing my pain publicly to a world of strangers, but I feel so lost, angry, devastated, and I don’t even begin to know how to process anything. I have had 2 ectopic pregnancies in the past. The first one was able to be treated with mexotrexate. The second one required surgery, but the embryo had all but aborted itself and my tubes were saved. I got an HSG test that showed my tubes were fine. I was 6 weeks and 1 one day pregnant (from last missed period) when my tube ruptured. This was 2 days ago. I’m at home, numb on pain meds, but still able to find moments to cry. Crying is painful. I’m bloated, I’m bruised, I’m constipated. My throat still hurts from the ventilation tube and coughing hurts more than crying.
They tell me IVF is my only option now. I’ve always been against fertility treatment. I can’t imagine going through any more pain for something with no guarantees. It’s too much. This pain is too much. I’ve always loved children. It’s been my career. And now, now I am filled with hate for every pregnant woman I see, for every baby in a stroller going down the street. And I feel guilty for feeling so much hate. I want to feel a baby growing inside my womb. I want to be part of the club that is motherhood. I want to experience a healthy pregnancy, holding my baby in my arms.
I’m terrified of IVF. I practically faint every time they take blood from me. Although, the surgery left me feeling completed defeated. As I laid in the ER in complete pain, I just stopped caring. I stopped caring how many veins they had to poke, how many iv’s they had to hook me up to, how many viles of blood they had to take. Violated and defeated. I don’t see how I can get past this. Life feels so devoid of purpose. I feel broken. I am broken.