Recovery


#1

I never imagined I would find myself expressing my pain publicly to a world of strangers, but I feel so lost, angry, devastated, and I don’t even begin to know how to process anything. I have had 2 ectopic pregnancies in the past. The first one was able to be treated with mexotrexate. The second one required surgery, but the embryo had all but aborted itself and my tubes were saved. I got an HSG test that showed my tubes were fine. I was 6 weeks and 1 one day pregnant (from last missed period) when my tube ruptured. This was 2 days ago. I’m at home, numb on pain meds, but still able to find moments to cry. Crying is painful. I’m bloated, I’m bruised, I’m constipated. My throat still hurts from the ventilation tube and coughing hurts more than crying.

They tell me IVF is my only option now. I’ve always been against fertility treatment. I can’t imagine going through any more pain for something with no guarantees. It’s too much. This pain is too much. I’ve always loved children. It’s been my career. And now, now I am filled with hate for every pregnant woman I see, for every baby in a stroller going down the street. And I feel guilty for feeling so much hate. I want to feel a baby growing inside my womb. I want to be part of the club that is motherhood. I want to experience a healthy pregnancy, holding my baby in my arms.

I’m terrified of IVF. I practically faint every time they take blood from me. Although, the surgery left me feeling completed defeated. As I laid in the ER in complete pain, I just stopped caring. I stopped caring how many veins they had to poke, how many iv’s they had to hook me up to, how many viles of blood they had to take. Violated and defeated. I don’t see how I can get past this. Life feels so devoid of purpose. I feel broken. I am broken.


#2

I’m so very sorry for your loss.


#3

I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling.
We just had a failed IVF attempt (no 2) and I remember feeling heartbroken but now I am focusing on the future, moving on and not giving up hope.
I cant sit up having blood taken they always have to put me on the bed because I faint so easily. I was worried about needles before commencing Ivf but the injections are really not that bad though. I just lie on the bed and look away while my husband injects.
I have never fainted and they are over so quickly just a mild sting, if i can do it believe me you can.
It is normal to grieve but try not to hate, it is hard to create something beautiful in such an environment. Wishing you all the best in your decisions moving forward and sending you big hugs.


#4

I’m sorry that you have to go through this. I’m 29 and had an HSG at 24. It showed one blocked tube that was removed in 2011 and one clear tube. After many cycles I was able to get PG twice both ending in chemicals and one tubal. My RE said to seek help of IVF. I was so scared and the cost is expensive. But we did it and after one IVF cycle we are now PG with twins. Due Feb 2014. We also have 5 frozen blasts waiting to become our future children. Again I’m sorry to hear of your loss and the pain that you are going through. But in the end when your ready seek help from IVF it will work!!


#5

Congratulations on your twins! I am a bit puzzled that you had 2 natural chemicals since later pgd revealed you have many normal embryos plus your ivf was a success from the first. Did the dr ever tell you what could have been a reason?


#6

Thanks!! I didnt ask and he didnt say. I’m assuming the eggs couldnt flow through my tube thus causing chemicals?