Remembering a friends ms


#1

Hello,

I’m not sure how to handle this and thought you ladies might be able to give me some advice.

One of my best friends lost twins at 20 weeks. End of Dec was her due date. Do I acknowledge it with her? Should I send her a card? I certainly want to let her know that I’m thinking of her and that the babies are not forgotten. But I don’t want to upset her even further.

Is it too personal? Would you be upset by that gesture?

Thank you in advance.


#2

I think a phone call or a visit would be better rather than a card. Frankly, if it was me I wouldn’t want to get a card. Go to her, and ask if she wants to talk about it…

Or schedule a day out for the both of you to get her mind off things…


#3

Coffeegal, I am so sorry to hear about your friend’s loss. It is so sweet of you to post this question to try to help her. Everyone experiences grief and loss differently, so I don’t think there is necessarily a black and white answer. I can share some of my experiences with you and hopefully that can help you figure out what might be the right approach for your friend.

The biggest comfort I’ve received is text messages/emails/voicemails saying simple things like “I’m so sorry for your loss,” “just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you,” “I love you,” ect. Just as I was getting discharged from the hospital, after delivering my sweet angel baby, a friend text me “you are loved.” I cannot put into words how much it meant to me to get that text at that moment. Flowers and cards can be tricky because sometimes people find them helpful, and other people don’t. One of my friends made a donation to St. Jude’s in honor of our baby. That blew me away. Another gave me a remembrance angel figure. That was very sweet as well. I think a big misconception is that simple words of support don’t make a difference. That couldn’t be more opposite of the truth. The reality is that there are no words or actions that take away the pain, so simply letting her know you care makes all the difference in the world.

I hope this helps.


#4

Coffeegal - I think you should definitely acknowledge the due date. Your friend will already be thinking about it and upset, so you acknowledging it is not going to all of a sudden remind her “Oh yah, I was doing great, but now I have to think about that again”.

Pregnancy losses (esp later ones like your friend had) are tough on so many levels, but one of them is definitely that in a way it’s easy for the person to feel like they are the only ones who remember their babies and that everyone else has forgotten and assumes that they are okay and have moved on. Any acknowledgement that this is not the case will go a long way.

That said, I think you have to be a little careful how you do it. I was all over the card idea, but the other posters didn’t like it, so I’ll go with the email suggestion. Sending a nice email saying your thinking of her a few days before the dd is very sweet. I would stay away from doing it in person though.

First off, if she’s in rough shape it could be more stress on her to have to hold it together for you (though of course this depends on your relationship, maybe a good cry together would be therapeutic?). But more importantly, I think there could be some awkwardness since you are pregnant now. So that could be difficult to manage for her, even if you don’t say anything about your pregnancy.

Hope that helps.


#5

I am so sorry for your friend’s loss of her twins.

When we lost our baby at 18 weeks, it was completely devastating. It meant so much to me that friends and family acknowledged our loss. It didn’t matter how.

Just let your friend know you are thinking of her and her babies. Any gesture will surely be welcomed. She is going to need your support especially when her due date comes. I wish more people would have mentioned it to me, but I think they are afraid to upset you. Everyone is different, but you know her so just do what is in your heart and she will be glad you did.


#6

Thank you!

Thank you ladies so much for your insights. And I am SO sorry for your loss. It breaks my heart. No one should have to go through what you have experienced.

Your advice is so helpful. I just want her to know that her babies are no forgotten, neither is her pain. I think I’ll start with a heartfelt email just in case, like you ladies said, an in person visist is uncomfortable. But, I will offer a girls day out or lunch when she feels ready. (We live close and text often but only get to see each other about once a month due to her 1 year old and a very busy schedule.)

I was thinking about buying her these beautiful angel wing ornaments I saw at Hobby Lobby for her Christmas Tree, but then, maybe that’s too much …

When she lost the babies, our close knit group of gals bought her a necklace with the babies names engraved in them and she wears it all the time. But I want to be careful not to go overboard and accidentally make Christmas even more difficult than it already will be. Maybe, like you said, the best I can offer is my love and support.

Thank you again and please know that you are in my prayers for peace and comfort. :grouphug:


#7

It means the world to me when people show me that haven’t forgotten me or my son. When his name is mentioned.

I’ve welcomed an ornament given to me and one made for me in honor of my son. I’m so sorry for her losses. How wonderful of you to care and support her in the ways you have.