Rudeness!!


#1

Hi everyone,
Just wait until you have your baby shower(s). Some people are so freaking rude!

I have one aunt that insisted that I send her a baby shower invitation even though she can’t make it because she lives 8 hours away. This is the same aunt that brags to me about how she recently went to Vegas and wine country in California. She also lives in a million dollar house on the water. She has no kids of her own, only a grown step daughter. There has not been a baby on that side of my family in literally 30 years since my brother’s birth. She even sent me an e-mail to announce the arrival of my present like it was going to be a big deal (a carseat perhaps?). I get it and it is in a box with message of congratulations. I open it and she has bought a $20 item from my registry. Huh??? If she didn’t want to spend any money, why insist that I send her an invitation and make such a freaking big deal about it? I have aunts that can barely make their monthly bills that are spending $50 on a gift for my twins.

Tomorrow is my first shower for familiy and childhood friends. There are only 3-4 people that won’t be able to make it. In 2008, I threw a baby shower for my cousin’s wife. Rather than call me, send me a personal e-mail or send a present in advance (like another cousin who won’t make it), she decides the best way to let me know she won’t come is to announce on a facebook post that she won’t make it because of a marathon and to “have fun” (in other words, her life is wayyyy too important to be bothered with my shower or sending a gift). Maybe I’m a complete idiot but who runs marathons at 2pm on a Sunday afternoon? This is someone who declares how Godly she is at least 2-3 times a day on Facebook, yet apparently feels no guilt or remorse that she won’t “do unto others” as was done unto her. I invested alot of time, money and energy planning her shower and this is the thanks I get?

On the other hand, I have some friends and people that I barely know that are doing really sweet things (like making hand-made blankets, etc). Baby showers are like weddings, you see who really cares about you and are reminded of family members who are defined by their self-absorbed way of life.

Oh and both my aunt and my cousin’s wife KNOW about our infertility struggle too. I am just baffled by
their selfishness. No birth announcement for either one of them.

Thanks for letting me rant.


#2

Oh and I forgot to mention that hopefully I’ll get an invitation when my aunt’s step daughter graduates from college. I look forward to going on and on in the card about how much we care about her and state “here’s something to get her started.” then I’ll put $6 in the card.

Maybe, just maybe, if my aunt finds out she’ll get a dose of her own medicine about how tacky her gift was. Either that or the thank you note that I sent that only said “Thank you for the gift. - Sara and Todd” might clue her in.


#3

[quote=flbchgrl]Hi everyone,
Just wait until you have your baby shower(s). Some people are so freaking rude!

I have one aunt that insisted that I send her a baby shower invitation even though she can’t make it because she lives 8 hours away. This is the same aunt that brags to me about how she recently went to Vegas and wine country in California. She also lives in a million dollar house on the water. She has no kids of her own, only a grown step daughter. There has not been a baby on that side of my family in literally 30 years since my brother’s birth. She even sent me an e-mail to announce the arrival of my present like it was going to be a big deal (a carseat perhaps?). I get it and it is in a box with message of congratulations. I open it and she has bought a $20 item from my registry. Huh??? If she didn’t want to spend any money, why insist that I send her an invitation and make such a freaking big deal about it? I have aunts that can barely make their monthly bills that are spending $50 on a gift for my twins.

Tomorrow is my first shower for familiy and childhood friends. There are only 3-4 people that won’t be able to make it. In 2008, I threw a baby shower for my cousin’s wife. Rather than call me, send me a personal e-mail or send a present in advance (like another cousin who won’t make it), she decides the best way to let me know she won’t come is to announce on a facebook post that she won’t make it because of a marathon and to “have fun” (in other words, her life is wayyyy too important to be bothered with my shower or sending a gift). Maybe I’m a complete idiot but who runs marathons at 2pm on a Sunday afternoon? This is someone who declares how Godly she is at least 2-3 times a day on Facebook, yet apparently feels no guilt or remorse that she won’t “do unto others” as was done unto her. I invested alot of time, money and energy planning her shower and this is the thanks I get?

On the other hand, I have some friends and people that I barely know that are doing really sweet things (like making hand-made blankets, etc). Baby showers are like weddings, you see who really cares about you and are reminded of family members who are defined by their self-absorbed way of life.

Oh and both my aunt and my cousin’s wife KNOW about our infertility struggle too. I am just baffled by
their selfishness. No birth announcement for either one of them.

Thanks for letting me rant.[/quote]

I’m not sure what you are so upset about. Your Aunt sent you a gift for the baby. It was something that you wanted off your registry. I don’t think that the amount of money she spent on it should matter. It’s the thought that counts.

And as for your cousin’s wife, it was very nice of you to throw her a baby shower, but just because you were nice enough to do that for her does not make her entitled to do the same back to you. While it would have been nice for her to be a little more tactful to call you instead of posting on FB, at least she had the decency to RSVP.

Sorry, but it sounds to me like it isn’t those two that are being selfish…


#4

I found a few of the items I received at my baby shower a little odd, but I just remembered that a gift is a gift and no matter how much it costs or what it is, that person did take the time to go out and get it for the baby which is all that matters. :slight_smile:

And, for me anyway, my close family (mom, grandparents, DH’s grandparents) have more than made up for it with purchasing bigger ticket items for the baby shower and will again for us at Christmas time.


#5

It is ridiculous right?

Hey Sunshine!

Are you related to me?:flower: I have the same kind of family but only gets worse with divorce and new wives/husbands. But I think that people in the US need to be reminded of Good Etiquette 101. Just because you are related it still applies. The proper thing for your aunt to do was to accept the acknowledgement of the invite then respond through mail or phone call. Emails are so impersonal with family and should never be used unless overseas.
Facebook. That’s why I am not a fan so much. Statistics say most of the user of Facebook now are 45-60 yrs old. With that said they haven’t been through the online posting one on one crash course like us in our 30’s. We know what is appropriate and what is not-once it goes viral it is there for the world to see. Other people, like the cousin wife use Facebook as just what it says a “status” update.Those status updates are like look at me world and people putting their conscious on there too.
In regards to the shower.Babies as we know are a blessing but twins are more of a blessing in a family.
You know it will always be revealed who cares for you during crisis or celebration. When we lost our baby last year, my co-workers, neighbors, college friends that I don’t regularly talk to sent cards and messages of concern. And those are the people I stay in touch with because my misery wasn’t their gossip-you understand.

Look at this as a blessing. Would you want someone that miserable to come to your shower? I mean to say that has that attitude about I’m Queen Bee and not you. I have an uncle, moms brother who I know has money also. Anyways during my wedding he says oh I am sending you a nice gift…It was $25:woohoo: Friends gave triple that. And he didn’t show like other family members that RSVP but no show.But I was soooooooo glad because the most important people was there.

I have a holiday card rule for my distant family. You cannot change their relation to you but you don’t have to hold a grudge. You see Christmas cards are for those who you always keep in touch with and New Years cards are for those that don’t keep in touch with you.:flower: New Years is a time for resolutions, faith, and fresh start. New Year cards always make people think and remember because they are rare and never on time through US Post Office because of packages. They come when least expected. It keeps that person wondering all year long! LOL.

Again FB you have to ignore.Enjoy your shower and be thankful you are having one during these economic times. My family likes to have warning with parties because of distance and I figure if they really want to come they will make a way- I have heard about the “went to the casino” story also but we can’t come. Even though they knew about your journey, birth announcements can be general now through internet and personal cards for close fam/friends. And thanks to FB you can privatize and should who sees your pictures on FB.

Anyways…it was not venting. Glad I am not alone.
Thanks for sharing.

Esperanza
XOXO

Let me know how the shower went.:flower: Cannot wait for part two. I am on bedrest and I love good stories.

[QUOTE=flbchgrl]Hi everyone,
Just wait until you have your baby shower(s). Some people are so freaking rude!

I have one aunt that insisted that I send her a baby shower invitation even though she can’t make it because she lives 8 hours away. This is the same aunt that brags to me about how she recently went to Vegas and wine country in California. She also lives in a million dollar house on the water. She has no kids of her own, only a grown step daughter. There has not been a baby on that side of my family in literally 30 years since my brother’s birth. She even sent me an e-mail to announce the arrival of my present like it was going to be a big deal (a carseat perhaps?). I get it and it is in a box with message of congratulations. I open it and she has bought a $20 item from my registry. Huh??? If she didn’t want to spend any money, why insist that I send her an invitation and make such a freaking big deal about it? I have aunts that can barely make their monthly bills that are spending $50 on a gift for my twins.

Tomorrow is my first shower for familiy and childhood friends. There are only 3-4 people that won’t be able to make it. In 2008, I threw a baby shower for my cousin’s wife. Rather than call me, send me a personal e-mail or send a present in advance (like another cousin who won’t make it), she decides the best way to let me know she won’t come is to announce on a facebook post that she won’t make it because of a marathon and to “have fun” (in other words, her life is wayyyy too important to be bothered with my shower or sending a gift). Maybe I’m a complete idiot but who runs marathons at 2pm on a Sunday afternoon? This is someone who declares how Godly she is at least 2-3 times a day on Facebook, yet apparently feels no guilt or remorse that she won’t “do unto others” as was done unto her. I invested alot of time, money and energy planning her shower and this is the thanks I get?

On the other hand, I have some friends and people that I barely know that are doing really sweet things (like making hand-made blankets, etc). Baby showers are like weddings, you see who really cares about you and are reminded of family members who are defined by their self-absorbed way of life.

Oh and both my aunt and my cousin’s wife KNOW about our infertility struggle too. I am just baffled by
their selfishness. No birth announcement for either one of them.

Thanks for letting me rant.[/QUOTE]


#6

I agree with charlie’smom and keke- My baby arriving healthy is the only gift that matters to me, the showers and gift by relatives are nice but not necessary. It is nice that they want to do anything at all to acknowledge our little bean, it is certainly not expected. They all have busy lives and worries of their own.

A gift should be given without the expectation of getting something in return down the road. And the monetary value of a gift chosen for you shouldn’t matter so much.

As far as retaliating by being mean to a step daughter that has nothing to do with why you are upset in the first place…what does that accomplish besides making you become a bad example of how to act for your own child? And frankly, it puts you at a level lower than your aunt, perhaps her choice in a gift was innocent, and she didn’t realize that you expected gifts based on her w-2? But your actions would be deliberate meanness to a child just starting out in life. Maybe ask for a copy of everyone’s tax return, and include a minimum gift amount on each person’s invitation next time?

Better yet, why not just call your aunt and instead of thanking her, tell her you think her gift was tacky and cheap, and that she could afford better. I am sure that will endear her to you and your child, and she will make sure to spend more for birthdays moving forward.


#7

Food for Thought :slight_smile:

Almost forgot:

Are you upset about the FB announcements or the Aunt/Cousin not coming? Let me clarify: Because my respond before is just I can relate to you on the gift part but uncle says a lot promises that don’t happen so that’s why he was in the dog house:flower: . On that note I have never held a grudge against my uncle or anyone else because of his actions. We are family and we talk and move on.

And still you are sooooooo blessed to be having a shower in this economic times. Honestly I don’t expect one at all. If we make it to the 3rd trimester which I am very optimistic about, that makes me happy. :slight_smile:

To me I think your anger doesn’t have to do with the gift…your really upset because you feel like you have done so much for your family.Gifts or doing things for others should be more internal gratification. As I said before, do you really want them there if you so upset?:flower: Just enjoy the moment.

I have a saying that helps me keep my sanity
"Control the Controllables."

P.S. don’t look at your registry anymore until you want to delete it- that way you are not thinking about it.

Take Care :slight_smile: I am really finished this time. This bedrest thing is making me an addict. I am supposed to be doing work. Hey if you have cupcakes at the shower send me a msg in a bottle.:flower: I’m on a cupcake craving adventure right now.Sorry laughter is the best medicine.
And blessings to the babies…

Esperanza
XOXO

[QUOTE=EsperanzaFL]Hey Sunshine!

Are you related to me?:flower: I have the same kind of family but only gets worse with divorce and new wives/husbands. But I think that people in the US need to be reminded of Good Etiquette 101. Just because you are related it still applies. The proper thing for your aunt to do was to accept the acknowledgement of the invite then respond through mail or phone call. Emails are so impersonal with family and should never be used unless overseas.
Facebook. That’s why I am not a fan so much. Statistics say most of the user of Facebook now are 45-60 yrs old. With that said they haven’t been through the online posting one on one crash course like us in our 30’s. We know what is appropriate and what is not-once it goes viral it is there for the world to see. Other people, like the cousin wife use Facebook as just what it says a “status” update.Those status updates are like look at me world and people putting their conscious on there too.
In regards to the shower.Babies as we know are a blessing but twins are more of a blessing in a family.
You know it will always be revealed who cares for you during crisis or celebration. When we lost our baby last year, my co-workers, neighbors, college friends that I don’t regularly talk to sent cards and messages of concern. And those are the people I stay in touch with because my misery wasn’t their gossip-you understand.

Look at this as a blessing. Would you want someone that miserable to come to your shower? I mean to say that has that attitude about I’m Queen Bee and not you. I have an uncle, moms brother who I know has money also. Anyways during my wedding he says oh I am sending you a nice gift…It was $25:woohoo: Friends gave triple that. And he didn’t show like other family members that RSVP but no show.But I was soooooooo glad because the most important people was there.

I have a holiday card rule for my distant family. You cannot change their relation to you but you don’t have to hold a grudge. You see Christmas cards are for those who you always keep in touch with and New Years cards are for those that don’t keep in touch with you.:flower: New Years is a time for resolutions, faith, and fresh start. New Year cards always make people think and remember because they are rare and never on time through US Post Office because of packages. They come when least expected. It keeps that person wondering all year long! LOL.

Again FB you have to ignore.Enjoy your shower and be thankful you are having one during these economic times. My family likes to have warning with parties because of distance and I figure if they really want to come they will make a way- I have heard about the “went to the casino” story also but we can’t come. Even though they knew about your journey, birth announcements can be general now through internet and personal cards for close fam/friends. And thanks to FB you can privatize and should who sees your pictures on FB.

Anyways…it was not venting. Glad I am not alone.
Thanks for sharing.

Esperanza
XOXO

Let me know how the shower went.:flower: Cannot wait for part two. I am on bedrest and I love good stories.[/QUOTE]


#8

Fblchgrl~~ I totally understand what the others are saying, but I am with you. When we do things we do not expect to be paid back, but I do expect what I have done for others to be paid back to me when my time comes around!! I have been out a LOT of money on others showers and I can’t say that they have put half that back on me and my baby. I think it is in our nature to keep that mental note. Where some others don’t see it the same way we do. I don’t think it is anybodys fault. It is just our make up.

I think we would get along well together.

Good luck~


#9

[quote=casak]I agree with charlie’smom and keke- My baby arriving healthy is the only gift that matters to me, the showers and gift by relatives are nice but not necessary. It is nice that they want to do anything at all to acknowledge our little bean, it is certainly not expected. They all have busy lives and worries of their own.

A gift should be given without the expectation of getting something in return down the road. And the monetary value of a gift chosen for you shouldn’t matter so much.

As far as retaliating by being mean to a step daughter that has nothing to do with why you are upset in the first place…what does that accomplish besides making you become a bad example of how to act for your own child? And frankly, it puts you at a level lower than your aunt, perhaps her choice in a gift was innocent, and she didn’t realize that you expected gifts based on her w-2? But your actions would be deliberate meanness to a child just starting out in life. Maybe ask for a copy of everyone’s tax return, and include a minimum gift amount on each person’s invitation next time?

Better yet, why not just call your aunt and instead of thanking her, tell her you think her gift was tacky and cheap, and that she could afford better. I am sure that will endear her to you and your child, and she will make sure to spend more for birthdays moving forward.[/quote]

Couldn’t have said it better.


#10

Thanks for the feedback!

My point is that I would rather my aunt not send me anything at all rather than make a big deal about something cheap. Sorry, but I do see cheap as being relative to income and other children in the family.
An aunt that can barely afford to pay her bills and has 3 other great nieces bought me a $50 present. I shouldn’t be upset because I’m used to it; it is the way it has always been. The family who can least afford it usually does the most. And family that can afford it does the bare minimum and makes a big deal over it.

Oh and the aunt in question had no problem asking us to pay my grandma’s way when she rented a beach house for her 80th birthday. So I am expected to pay $400 for my grandma’s beach house stay yet apparently the important milestone in my life is worth $20.

When it comes to my cousin’s wife, I didn’t throw her a shower so that she would throw me one in return. I did it to celebrate the good thing happening in their lives. But it is apparent that she cares very little when good things happen in my life. This set of cousins, who I thought we were very close to growing up, couldn’t bother to make it to my wedding or showers. Yet I’ve been at both of their weddings and hosted her shower. At some point, you get your feelings hurt enough that you just stop trying.


#11

BTW, I’m not being mean to her step daughter. I’m simply treating her the way I’ve been treated for 32 years. If my aunt is being the sweet one here to send a present, then why is it when I do EXACTLY the same thing as my aunt I’m the bad person? BTW, I won’t be requesting a graduation invitation from her step daughter even though my aunt specifically requested a shower invitation from me.

You can call my aunt, and listen to her talk to you for an hour about her latest fabulous trip to NY, Cali, or Vegas. Then tell her how mean you think I am and ask for her W-2.

Again, all I ask is that if she wants to go cheap, then just don’t request an invite or send me anything at all!


#12

wow, I think you need to mature up before you have this kid! I hope you don’t teach your child that love and money are related.

maybe this ‘rich’ aunt is rich because she doesn’t waste her money on frivolous crap like your other ‘can’t afford it’ aunts. I know lots of ‘rich’ people who buy their kids or grandkids used clothes and toys and stuff for the babies. It really isn’t about how much money you spend…

I was planning on being tactful and all, but I’m hormonal and I think you just need to get over yourself.


#13

[quote=jencat215]wow, I think you need to mature up before you have this kid! I hope you don’t teach your child that love and money are related.

maybe this ‘rich’ aunt is rich because she doesn’t waste her money on frivolous crap like your other ‘can’t afford it’ aunts. I know lots of ‘rich’ people who buy their kids or grandkids used clothes and toys and stuff for the babies. It really isn’t about how much money you spend…

I was planning on being tactful and all, but I’m hormonal and I think you just need to get over yourself.[/quote]

The primary purpose of these threads is to share opinions and ventilate and support ,not to offend each other !!!
It is nice to share your opinion in a polite way and respect eahother thought …


#14

I’m trying to think of how to put this because I don’t want to hurt your feelings - but try to focus on the happiness you are getting from finally being pregnant and just enjoy the ride. You have been blessed with two beautiful babies after struggles conceiving - if you choose to let things bother you that really don’t matter (like how much money was spent on you), you are only hurting the experience for yourself.

I was extremely touched by everyone’s generosity at our baby showers, regardless of the gift. Even just a smile or word of congratulations meant so much to me.

Enjoy whatever is given, whether it is a big gift, a onesie someone picked up on clearance, a re-gift (that’s what I’ll be doing for years!), a hand-made card, a 50 cent card, or just a smile. Be touched if someone went to the trouble of going to the post office to mail you something, even if you have a good laugh about their taste with your DH. Let someone asking for an invite to your shower make you happy that they want to share in your joy. Let a Facebook post from someone letting you know they can’t make it make you feel good knowing they are thinking of you even if their life throws conflicts at them.

When people tell you you don’t look big enough for twins, smile because you know there really are two in there. When you finally get so big people ask you if you’re sure there’s not a 3rd hiding in there, enjoy that, too because hurray! There isn’t /wink!

And when you’re babies are 5 months old and you never sent your thank you cards because you were barely surviving, hope that the wonderful friends and family that were so generous to you will know that you appreciated everything they did even though you didn’t follow etiquette. No one is perfect but I do believe that the majority of people mean well and want you to be happy.

Enjoy your pregnancy and the beautiful babies you are going to have soon.


#15

I am with everyone else about you shouldn’t be focused on how much people spend on you. I think that you are being rude and selfish. At my baby shower one of my best friends in the whole world was almost in tears. She was out of work and barely making ends meet and couldn’t afford to buy the kind of present that she had wanted to due to her financial situation. I didn’t care and was just happy that she was able to spend a happy occasion with me and my husband. I have 2 children now and one on the way. In ways she is like their second mother. She decorates beautiful cakes and have made birthday cakes for my children that they absolutely love. She takes them over night for sleep overs and during the week if she has time takes them to the library for story time. My children love being with her and I love having her around my children. Even though she could only afford a $20 gift, which she still mentions now and then and I just shrug my shoulders, she has given me and my children a priceless treasure. I am very thankful for her and her husband every day. They would do anything for my kids and I would take that over any gift, $20, $50, or $1000! Be thankful for what you have not for the things that you think should be given to you. Because like my friend, they can not have children and can not afford any kind of fertility treatments either. So, in ways she is very thankful for allowing me to let my children be in her life.


#16

I agree :slight_smile: Very well said Sculli!!


#17

Wow. I am appalled now. I thought we were on here celebrating our pregnancies and our journey to having the opportunity to bear life. Look. I can think of a million things worse than a gift like -not ever having kids. Your biggest gift you have been given is the opportunity to bear life.
And your registry you received a lot of stuff-did you look over it again?. Let it go. Just let it go.
It’s Thanksgiving. So many people are suffering without food and a roof over their head and having that is a gift alone. If I counted every empty promise from someone I would be crazy literally. That’s what family is for craziness and forgiveness.
[B]You have to " accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can and the WISDOM to know the difference.[/B]

Esperanza
XOXO


#18

[QUOTE=essemkay]Sculli, I think I love you.[/QUOTE]
I agree with infertilitynovice and essemkay, sculli that made me all tingley!:grouphug:


#19

I agree with everyone else on this board. A gift should never be about how much someone spends on it…ever. That is ungrateful and makes it seem like that all you care about is how much the present costs. It’s always the thought that counts.

It took my husband and I years to have a baby and once we finally got pregnant, all we cared about was the health of our baby…nothing monetary at all.

Also, my husband and I both run marathons and you normally train and pay for those well in advance. She has probably been training her heart out and already paid for it a while back. The marathon may not start at 2:00 but it does take most runners at least 4-5 hours and a long recovery. She could very well finish at 1:00 and then need a shower, etc…

I’m not trying to be mean but you should just concentrate on the health of your child and look forward to his/her arrival and quit worrying about who buys you what and how much someone is going to spend on a gift.


#20

Sculli, I feel you said it the best. I really think that you should focus on the two wonderful babies you have growing inside you, and not on a gift. I hope to one day be in your shoes and be pregnant.