Sex Life, Termination, and Infertility (long)


#1

Ok, I know this is a personal subject…BUT, If I can’t talk about it here, where can I talk about it?

Anyone else find that their sex life with their partner has been greatly diminished since this whole infertility ordeal?

Here’s my story:

My husband and I met when we were 20, starting dating shortly thereafter. Dated for three years off and on and during one such breakup, found out that I was pregnant (with his baby, he’s the only one I’ve been with). I was 23, still in college, he had no job, you know the story… We terminated the pregnancy. Biggest mistake of my life. I did what I thought I had to do at the time. I wish I more courage and faith, but I did the best with what I had. Hindsight is a *****. I went into a depression tailspin for about 2 years. He was there with me through it as I couldn’t get out of bed, as I sobbed on the floor, as I screamed and wailed and was pretty much disfunctional. I started to see him in a different light. Where I once saw weakness and selfishness, I began to see strength and unconditional love.

So we rebuilt a relationship. After the termination, we dated for 4 years before getting married. We remained celibate during that time. I couldn’t deal with sex after all we had been through. I was still traumatized by what I had done. We married and didn’t have sex on our wedding night. In fact, we din’t have sex until about a month later. Not even on our honeymoon. We’ve been married for almost 7 years now and I can honestly say that we are happy. We have an incredible relationship. We got some counseling and have reached a really good place and have stayed there for about 4 years or so.

Infertility: We started trying to conceive about 4 years ago (see signature) but discovered, that though Dh was able to conceive 11 years ago, he no longer produced sperm for whatever reason. In addition to dealing with IF, our sex life has suffered greatly. We have sex about once every few months. I’d like to have sex more and so would he (that I’m sure) but the sexual chemistry just isn’t there anymore. I love my husband very, very much and he loves me, but our sexual relationship never really recovered after the abortion and infertiliity just made it so much worse. I guess in the back of my mind I think that sex for the fun of it lead to the worst experience of my life, and we no longer have the purpose of having sex to create life, so what’s the point. ANyone else dealing with an affect on their relationship. Please share, so I know I’m not crazy.


#2

I just wanted to let you know that I hear you and that you’re not crazy. You and your DH have been through so much more than many of us on here, with the termination and then having to deal with IF. IF has definitely impacted my sex life with DH too. While we were ttc, it felt almost like if we didn’t try I couldn’t be disappointed when AF came each month. Once we got into the actual process of IVF we actually came up with a schedule - 2 nights a week DH would be sure to come to bed early and sex was optional (he tends to fall asleep on the couch which really affects my feeling of intimacy toward him). One night a week was sex night. Now, gratefully, we are pg and since I bled every time we had sex with our first pregnancy we’re back on hold.

It sounds, though, like your issues have been going on a lot longer than your IF, in which case it might be reasonable to see a counselor. I know it’s sort of embarrassing to talk about, but I really believe that intimacy is an important part of marriage, and unless it’s truly not important to BOTH you and your DH, it’d probably be a good idea to work on that. DH and I are BOTH too nervous to have sex until I’m into my third trimester, so at least we’re on the same page. But I still feel sometimes like we’re more like roommates than husband and wife…

Not sure if any of this made sense, but I hope you find some peace, or at least support.

Heather


#3

Thank you so much for your support. It means a lot :slight_smile:


#4

In the same boat…

You are not alone and I know how you feel. My sex life is non-existent. We are lucky to have sex once a month. DH has low sperm count and low T, so his sex drive is low and we have been experiencing ED since we started dealing with IF. I don’t feel close to him and it frustrates me when my needs go ignored for so long.
We are trying to have a child together, but sometimes I question if it is the best thing to do because we live like roommates. We don’t even sleep in the same room because he is a very light sleeper and I’m a heavy sleeper that moves a lot throughout the night, waking him up frequently.
My stress level is affecting my whole life and I’m sure it will affect my IF treatment. Sex used to be a way to relieve stress, but lately it just added to the pile.
I love my DH and I don’t blame him for our IF (He blames himself). I try to reassure him that it is not his fault but it is exhausting trying to comfort him and get nothing in return.
I just wish we had a normal, health sex life, where we could connect and enjoy each other. I hate feeling guilty for wanting sex with my DH…


#5

Allie: My DH and I actually ended up going to a sex therapist. It helped trmendously.


#6

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]NNN2011: Thank you for your suggestion. I will talk to DH and look into our options. [/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]And congrats on your pregnancy!!! :preg: [/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3]Did you have a u/s yet? :bsv: [/SIZE][/FONT]


#7

u/s is Feb 10th. it will be 7 weeks and I hope we can hear the heartbeat. I’m excited and nervous.


#8

So you don’t know yet if it is more than one baby? I don’t know how I will deal with the wait game once I get there… :bsv:


#9

I’m pretty sure it’s only one. I did IUI w/ no meds, so there’s really no reason for there to be more than one.