She cannot afford another child


#1

Hello, Ladies!!
I have a situation that has just come up and I have mixed emotions about it so I thought that I would come to all you ladies and see what you thought.
My husband came home tonight and told me that he knew a young lady that just found out that she is pregnant. This young lady is single and already has one child and she cannot afford another child. She asked him if he and I would consider adopting this expected child.
I REALLY want a child but I’m not sure if I’m ready to give up on having a child of my own. But, on the other hand…I don’t want this child to be put up for adoption and we miss the chance of having a child.
I’m sooo confused…please help!!!


#2

Wow thats a huge decision. What are your IF issues? Does your RE think you can get pregnant? I would want to know more information about the lady who is willing to put her child up for adoption- financially, open vs closed adoption, if she is 100% sure about her decision. . . I would say to gather all the information you can and then follow your heart. You have to do what feels right for you and your DH. Don’t do something if it feels forced. GL!


#3

Thank you for your response. As far as we know…I am ok other than my age (old and tired eggs). My DH has low morphology. We have been trying for a year and I’ve only had two IUI’s. My RE really hasn’t said much either way about our chances of conceiving.
I’m not real sure about what the mother will want to do cause this just came up tonight so I haven’t really gotten the chance to speak with her but I do know that she is homeless and doesn’t have the money to raise another child.
I’m thinking that I would want a closed adoption but again, this just came up and I’m so confused. I don’t want to make the wrong decision :grr:


#4

ME - I would jump on it, but not give up on having my own child. One thing i’ve learned about adoption is the mother has 9 long months to go back and forth on her choice. Heck she can have a family picked and at the last minute change the family or not place at all.

First thing is talk with the birth mom in person. Then if she feels she’s going to place start looking into a home study and a adoption attorney. You’ll want an attorney to help you through the legal paperwork. Plus thats a cheaper route.


#5

[quote=missingmy#2]ME - I would jump on it, but not give up on having my own child. One thing i’ve learned about adoption is the mother has 9 long months to go back and forth on her choice. Heck she can have a family picked and at the last minute change the family or not place at all.

First thing is talk with the birth mom in person. Then if she feels she’s going to place start looking into a home study and a adoption attorney. You’ll want an attorney to help you through the legal paperwork. Plus thats a cheaper route.[/quote]

Thank you for your help!! My heart REALLY wants to do this because I long for a child and I can’t hardly stand to think of this child going into the system when I could have given it a loving home. But, I also want to know the feeling of carrying my child in my body and feeling it grow and then giving birth to MY child.
I do not know anything about adoption or the process so I guess I will have to study up on it.


#6

[QUOTE=Purplelove9876]Thank you for your help!! My heart REALLY wants to do this because I long for a child and I can’t hardly stand to think of this child going into the system when I could have given it a loving home. But, I also want to know the feeling of carrying my child in my body and feeling it grow and then giving birth to MY child.
I do not know anything about adoption or the process so I guess I will have to study up on it.[/QUOTE]

I totally understand longing for the feeling of having your own child. But one thing to think about is… IF and thats a BIG IF you can’t get pregnant on your own and you do everything you can to try and pass this up. Would you hate yourself for not jumping on this adoption that just happened to fall into your lap? You can do both, and most adopting couples get pregnant shortly after adoption. :cross: :grouphug:


#7

Purplelove–
If it were me I would totally do it. Wanting a child so much --My DH and I -WISH- something like that would happen to us. If you get pregnant on your own it would just be icing on the cake. :flower:


#8

This happened to me, and here’s what happened…
A friend/co-worker was in the same situation & made the same offer. I wanted to do it. After MUCH thought, and discussion w/ my mom, I decided to try IVF first, then move to adoption. Here are other things to think of: what if she changes her mind? If she gives you the child, how intrusive will she be. Will she be coming by to look at pics all the time, asking many ?s, giving parenting advise? Will she want to see the child? What if it hurts her to hear about or see a baby she gave up? Would you be willing to relocate if these things happened? One of the good things about classic adoption, is that there are clearly defined terms. You would still need to do that.
Here is how my story ended…my coworker terminated her pregnancy, which I felt HORRIBLE about. A few months later she met a wonderful man, and just got married this last Oct. My hubby and I went to the wedding. She is now trying for a baby with her new DH.
I wonder, what if she had met this man while pregnant, would he have still wanted to date her? What would he have said about her choice to give away her child? Would he have offered to care for her daughter and the baby she was caring, leaving us heartbroken or would she still be a single mother?
As coworkers, I know I would have had to have dealt with her coming around asking questions, etc. It would have been awkward working together. I think we both would have had hurt feelings over it.
As for me, I am still struggling with infertility. I did IVF 6 months after her offer and it ended in a miscarriage at 8 weeks. I am now prepping for my last IVF in Feb. As difficult as it is, I know we made the right decision. I am praying for a successful IVF. BOL, follow your heart. Think about some of these things. It is a very difficult decision.


#9

I think I would need to know more about this woman (and the father) before making any decisions. She’s homeless? Where does she sleep? What are her lifestyle choices? Is she under prenatal care at all? It sounds fishy, but it may work out if you take the proper steps.

And as someone else said, you always hear about women getting pregnant after adopting!


#10

Thank you, ladies!!! I so much appreciate ALL your views and thoughts. I will take all of them to heart while trying to make this difficult decision.
One of the things that I’m worried about…is that I’m scared my husband will not want to try to have our own child cause he will be completely satisfied with the adopted child. He has a very big soft spot for adopting. He wants a child so bad and I think he kinda wants to adopt because he is scared that we may never have kids and now that this has presented itself…he feels that this is his guarantee for a child.
My heart is in such confliction…I just hope we can make the right decision.
Thank you again, ladies!!!


#11

[quote=Purplelove9876]Thank you, ladies!!! I so much appreciate ALL your views and thoughts. I will take all of them to heart while trying to make this difficult decision.
One of the things that I’m worried about…is that I’m scared my husband will not want to try to have our own child cause he will be completely satisfied with the adopted child. He has a very big soft spot for adopting. He wants a child so bad and I think he kinda wants to adopt because he is scared that we may never have kids and now that this has presented itself…he feels that this is his guarantee for a child.
My heart is in such confliction…I just hope we can make the right decision.
Thank you again, ladies!!![/quote]

If I were you, I would begin the adoption process, but continue to try. You could just remind your husband that the birth mother has the right to change her mind at ANY point, and it’s still no guarantee you’ll actually get a child. then you can buy about 9 more months (i guess i dont know how far along she is) of trying and maybe you’ll get lucky and get two babies at once! maybe if you just tell your husband that no matter what happens with the adopted baby you want to continue trying for your own, he’ll be supportive of it.

hiring a private adoption attorney can be very pricey. i don’t know which state you’re in, but a private adoption attorney and associated court costs can range from 7,000-30,000 dollars (clearly dependent on many factors.) And oftentimes, if the adoption falls through because the woman from whom you are adopting changes her mind, you will not be reimbursed the money you’ve already paid to the lawyer. ALthough obviously, an attorney is a must for such a delicate legal situation. Just something else to keep in mind.

I hope you and your husband are able to make the decision that is best for you! Good luck and keep us updated!


#12

Many employers have an adoption assistance or reimbursement program. Definitely worth checking into.


#13

I was reading the OP post an I wished we were that lucky around here to have someone to want us to adopt their child if don’t want it but OH NO around here there is lots of ladies having babies left an right that does drugs or drinks like fruit cakes an don’t give a rats (?) about the babies. I wished lots of them around here would start taking care of their babies before social services has to step in an then take the babies away. I know I sound upset but here were we live there is a lot of druggies or drunks that don’t care for their kids at all. So that just ticks me off big time. I’ve seen many kids out here in our area with hardly anything to wear or etc… Not long ago there was a 10 yr old pregnant, an here she just a baby herself. There is so many babies born out here that needs a loving family, home an care an lots of us don’t even get too do that.

Yes! I’ve got 2 children myself but our family is wanting more. DH is wanting a son an later if can’t give him a son we’re thinking of IVF then later on down the road looking into adoption to give a child a loving home but it will be closed adoption if we later do that.

If I was you I would jump on it an if you get pregnant well that be even more wonderful. If you can give that baby a loving home if the mother is seriously wanting to give it up then go for it. Make sure if you do it’s a closed adoption an so forth. Your lucky too have that chance too make a difference to this child.

Good Luck…:paw:


#14

Thank you, ladies so much!! I really appreciate all your comments and thoughts.
I still am not sure what I want to do!! I guess another thing that scares me…is the idea that this baby is hers and she has a right to it. What if she decides afterwards that she wants the baby back and then I will be totally heartbroken.
But, I have to say…it makes my heart happy to think of having a baby in our home.


#15

Purpleshare: if you do go for the adoption and hire an attorney ( as you’d have to), the birth mother will have a window of time after the birth to decide, and if she decides to go through with the adoption, she will sign her parental rights away- aka- she will NOT be able to just take the baby in the future after that. She will have no rights at that point, and you will be the legal guardian. I dont know if that’s what you were getting at in your last post or if i misunderstood you. But yes, she can change her mind up until she signs those documents. ( i believe there is a “waiting period” after the birth in each state where the birth mother gets this time to change her mind, but im not sure how long it is or if it differs state to state.)


#16

Oh wow!! I would have jumped at that opportunity many times. Honestly, even now being 34 weeks pregnant, I’d still have a hard time turning it down.

So here is my question. If you decide to do this, and it works out but you end up pregnant also, would you regret adopting her?

If you don’t adopt her/him and you don’t end up pregnant will you regret that choice?

You don’t want to have regrets later. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and it doesn’t mean you have to give up on your dreams of carrying a baby. Maybe talk to your dh about that and see where the conversation goes. It may clear things up for you a bit.


#17

Thank you for your response!!
I’m still at a loss as to what I want to do. I have so many things that keep running through my head and I don’t know which way to turn.
This lady that is pregnant is close to my husband and I’m scared that if we adopt her child…she will not stay out of the child’s life. She is a user and I know she will use this child to get whatever she wants from my husband. He has a kind heart and wants to help her but some people cannot be helped! Meaning…she will constantly be in our business…more than she is now!! I’m scared she will change her mind and I’m scared that my husband will not want to have a baby of his own if he adopts. I know in everything there is…“what if’s” but this is a decision that has to be the right one!!
I’m sorry if I’m rambling but I keep going back and forth on that to do!!