I am married to a wonderful woman and she has two great kids from a previous marriage. I waited to have kids because in my first marriage I was married to a horrible woman who I did not want to want my child to have as a mother. My current wife is a wonderful mother and I would absolutly would love to have a child with her. The problem is she got a tubal and the DR that did it pretty much took them(we have had a reversal and did fertility treatments for 2 years). The other night we had a fight because we have not been trying for about 6 month and I was wondering if we were going to start back. She said that she no longer wanted to have a baby with me and was not going to try anymore. I love her more than anything in the world ,but i make her miserable with wanting a child. Should I leave so she can be happy?
I don’t think anyone can tell you what to do because as well know in marriage there is so much to it. What I will say is, there has to be a medium between staying and being miserable and getting a divorce. Have you sought counseling? I know you have a desire to have kids but have you been putting a lot of pressure on her or being negative toward her either directly or even passive aggessively? Are you willing to leave for her or are you wanting to leave so that you can move on? Did she say she wants you to leave or say she wants to end your marriage? Finally, you have to decide whether you married her because you love her and you want to spend the rest of your life with her with or without children. When my husband and I started on this journey, I was so stressed out because I felt so guilty that I couldn’t “give” him a child. I felt like I ruined his life. He never said that or did anything that made me feel that way, it was just what I took on. One day I told him how I felt and he said to me: I didn’t marry you for your ability to give me kids. I married you because I love you. He said I want to have kids but if we can’t, you are enough. That meant the world to me. At that moment, the guilt went away and we started our first IVF in a better place. I don’t know your situation but when ever I have conflict, I first start with taking a long hard look at myself and being honest about what role I am really playing in the conflict. I am praying that you guys can find a peace and a happy medium.
I agree with the above person. One thing we argued about starting this journey was my DH would say “I should be enough” (we have male factor infertility). But what he didn’t understand was I wouldn’t leave him if we tried and couldn’t have kids. But I might think of it if wasn’t even really willing to try, b/c if he loves me, then he should at least let us try. Once he got a hold on that idea, our next hurdle was finding out why DH was hesitant to try. Turns out he was worried about money. Well, we talked it out, made up a plan, and we are planning IVF for June/July.
You really need to ask yourself why you would leave. What is the real reason you feel this way. There is age, money, emotions…so many factors that may be causing your wife to feel this way. You need to get to the root of the problem. If the roots are rotten and there are other underlying problems, then you need to decide what to do when you get there.
we often says things in the heat of the moment - forgiveness is important. I would suggest like the other members to get counseling. This journey can be brutal on a relationship.