So angry


#1

Well I can’t believe I am posting here…but like most things in my life I knew it was too good to be true :frowning: I am pretty young but I married my DH when I was 22 and thats when we just started with "whatever happens,happens…but nothing happened in fact I would not have a period for 3 or 4 months and when I would go see my gyno they would tell me im pretty young and that I have plenty of time to try and have children…fast forward to early 2011 when I was told all bloodwork was normal but “i just dont ovulate well” We tried several months at clomid and only ovulated a couple times…so then we did one iui and went straight toward ivf…I knew right after the egg retrieval things would not end up well and even begged my dr to freeze all since I was miserable…they pushed me and so we did the transfer and BFN…i was devastated but went forward to the FET since we had to frozen…and this time it worked!! We were soo happy…i cried for days bc I was so happy and nervous …i cried when my numbers doubled and I cried when we saw that beautiful baby with a precious heartbeat…everthing was great until tis past thursday when I went for my first ob appt at 8w4d…we did a ultrasound and it was an awful old machine and the dr looked for alt two to three minutes and declared no heartbeat…i couldn’t see it either and he measured the baby and said there was no growth since my ultrasound that was done at 7w2d…but what was so odd was the baby looked alot bigger and the sac too…i am sooo hurt and angry and I can’t stop.crying…i have to wait another 5 days for a confirmation ultrasound to discuss our options…I just can’t believe it…im sooo angry bc it took years to get here and spent thousands of dollars and now the ironic part is, if they offer the d&c I will take it which means we paid to get this baby and now have to pay and remove it :frowning: I just dont know if I will ever get to be a mother…our savings is gone…we couldn’t even adopt if we tried (too expensive) Can anyone talk sense into me? Is there really a rainbow after the rain? :frowning:


#2

I don’t want to falsely get your hopes up, but your story sounds so similar to mine as far as the heartbeat. My RE saw a good heatbeat at 7wks and released us the the OB. At my first OB appt at 8wks they did the same thing as you are describing. Looked for no time at all and declared there was no heartbeat. I even argued with the OB because it just seemed so crazy to me that he didn’t even seem to look for it at all before making this devastating call. I was ticked off about it and after hearing him say three different times (without looking any further I might add) that the baby was gone I told him I wanted a second opinion.

They have other Docs right there in that clinic so it was just a matter of him going and asking another OB to come in a confirm his diagnosis. The other OB came in and actually took his time looking and found the baby with a heartbeat. He said my uterus was tilted and the baby was sitting in such a way that it was difficult to see and even hear the heartbeat. I also have an anterior placenta which gets in the way even now with getting a good lock on the heartrate.

So…maybe your instinct of the baby and sac being larger is right on. I :pray: with you that all is fine when you go back. I know how devastated you must be at the moment. Even after knowing my baby was fine I still went home and was physically ill for the following week even puking when I hadn’t been nauseous previously. It was a terrible experience as I know it is for you now. :grouphug:

To answer your question though–even if the baby is gone and you end up needing the D&C I do believe there is a rainbow after the rain. I believe because although I have never lost a baby after going through all this I have lost many other things in my life and had many other devastating things occur and seen for myself the rainbow after and I assure you it does exist!!!

I have learned over the years that Newton’s law of equal and opposite forces applies to life in general in that as bad as life can get is also as good as it can get so when things happen that devastate us and decimate our vision of the future new visions come in and take their place and often future reality is even better than you ever could have imagined especially when you are in that place that seems so dark you feel you will never see light again, but somehow you do and when you do it is soooo much brighter than you remember and such a great place to be. Try to keep that in mind when or if things don’t go the way that you hope.

I :pray: that regardless of how this situation turns out you are able to find renewed spirit and hope for all that lies ahead for you. :flower:


#3

thank you for your response :slight_smile: …I will definately keep you updated, I called on Friday to see If i could get in any earlier because I just cant bear to wait until THURSDAY! So the nurse just pretty much told me to call on Monday morning and they will try to fit me in at a different location…
i went to church last night with my mom, but I couldnt focus, I just kept thinking the whole time about how mad I was, how hard I prayed the whole entire time, and for once my prayers were answered…and now all i can think is i dont have the strength to start all over again…before this BFP I didnt even want to think ahead of the future, I could barely even think of the next day as literally it was one day at time…when i got this positive all the sudden, holidays were finally going to be meaningful again, I even let myself think about who will the baby look like? Will he/she have my bright blue eyes or there daddys wonderful smile? Will they have my stubborn and bossy attitude or be quiet like there daddy? As soon as I let my wall that I built up for SO long come down, this happens…but thank you for all your kind words and encouragement =)


#4

Just a update** went to the dr today and my worst nightmare was true, baby did die at 7w6d- of course the the day before easter when we told our entire family! Why not?! Now scheduled for a D&C next tuesday, im sooo sad :grr: :grr:


#5

I’m so absolutely sorry that this happening. I know nothing can really take away what you are feeling right now. I get it - I miscarried a few weeks ago. Take care of yourself and be kind. I’m still having a very hard time but each day it gets a tad more easier to deal with. Not sure if you are into counselling but I found it helped me get some clarity.