So frustrated


#1

I need to vent…

So this was the 3rd IUI in 3 months and I have nothing to show for. Last month DH & I were so sure it worked. Everything was in our favor. This month, my estrogen levels looked even better. I was sooo sure that this was going to work. But no, nothing. Instead, I have waisted money and time and have nothing to show for. My body has gone through all of these treatments and nothing. I am so sick of taking fertility meds, having to be careful about what I do, eat and drink. I am beyond pissed off and frustrated today. The previous months I cried my eyes out at a :bfn: . This month, I just want to break something. This is the most frustrating thing I have ever experienced in my life. I thought it was hard to finish school or quit smoking. This tops everything. The emotional burden this infertility thing carries around with itself is beyond anything I have ever felt. I am starting to believe that I am just not meant to have children. On Valentines Day next year, it will be 4 years already that we’ve tried to conceive. Everyone around me is getting pregnant (family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, strangers), many of whom either didn’t try, or just started trying and got pregnant right away. It hurts every single time I hear that someone else got pregnant or when one of my friends tells me about their pregnancies or babies. I want to be happy for them, but I always feel jealous and cheated. They get what I want so bad. I am really starting to believe that I am not meant to have my own children. I am really considering skipping IVF, which I heard is a painful long process too, and just adopt. At least with an adoption, after the long wait and hard work, you are guaranteed to receive a child. I just want one so bad that I dont even care anymore if its my own. I’ve really lost my spirit to continue this any further. Not sure what will happen in January. I am sure my RE will try to convince me to have the IVF consult. But if IUI’s didnt work, why would IVF. I am just so lost in all of this.

Thanks for letting me vent.


#2

:grouphug: I am so sorry! There are no words. I cannot even imagine the pain you must be in. Maybe if you take a break and start the adoption process it will make things a little easier.

I haven’t pursued IVF, but I do know your chances for pregnancy are higher. Maybe some other ladies can shed some light on this.

Good luck in whatever your next step is. We are all here for you if you need support or just to vent!


#3

I am so sorry, and I completely understand what you are going through! It is beyond frustrating when you are spending so much money and everything seems great and you still get BFNs. It seems like it gets harder and harder as each month goes on. The appointments, the emotions, the finances. You are not alone in your feelings!

For what it’s worth, I’ve had two friends get pregnant on their 5th IUIs. Sometimes I think it just comes down to luck - the right sperm meeting the right egg at the exact right moment. Has your lining been thick enough on the Clomid - that’s an issue I’ve had on Clomid. Have you considered injectibles only with IUI?

My advice is to take a break for a couple of months and think about how you want to proceed - IUIs, IVF, adoption, etc… there are so many other options out there.

I hope this helps. (((HUGS)))


#4

Thank you for your encouraging words Ladies. Just went to the bathroom and found that :af: has already arrived. That was quick. Will call RE office and might schedule IVF counsel, just to see what they tell you.

Do you still take medications when you’re doing IVF to grow follies? I know that there are a lot of injectibles involved… Does anyone know what the success rate for IVF is?


#5

[QUOTE=ssnikitas]I need to vent…

So this was the 3rd IUI in 3 months and I have nothing to show for. Last month DH & I were so sure it worked. Everything was in our favor. This month, my estrogen levels looked even better. I was sooo sure that this was going to work. But no, nothing. Instead, I have waisted money and time and have nothing to show for. My body has gone through all of these treatments and nothing. I am so sick of taking fertility meds, having to be careful about what I do, eat and drink. I am beyond pissed off and frustrated today. The previous months I cried my eyes out at a :bfn: . This month, I just want to break something. This is the most frustrating thing I have ever experienced in my life. I thought it was hard to finish school or quit smoking. This tops everything. The emotional burden this infertility thing carries around with itself is beyond anything I have ever felt. I am starting to believe that I am just not meant to have children. On Valentines Day next year, it will be 4 years already that we’ve tried to conceive. Everyone around me is getting pregnant (family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, strangers), many of whom either didn’t try, or just started trying and got pregnant right away. It hurts every single time I hear that someone else got pregnant or when one of my friends tells me about their pregnancies or babies. I want to be happy for them, but I always feel jealous and cheated. They get what I want so bad. I am really starting to believe that I am not meant to have my own children. I am really considering skipping IVF, which I heard is a painful long process too, and just adopt. At least with an adoption, after the long wait and hard work, you are guaranteed to receive a child. I just want one so bad that I dont even care anymore if its my own. I’ve really lost my spirit to continue this any further. Not sure what will happen in January. I am sure my RE will try to convince me to have the IVF consult. But if IUI’s didnt work, why would IVF. I am just so lost in all of this.

Thanks for letting me vent.[/QUOTE]
I am sorry you are going through this. IVF works for certain conditions that IUI cannot. For example, my eggs have an extra thick shell and can only fertilized through ICSI - I only learned about this during my first IVF cycle.

Good luck - I hope you have success soon.


#6

[QUOTE=ssnikitas]I need to vent…

So this was the 3rd IUI in 3 months and I have nothing to show for. Last month DH & I were so sure it worked. Everything was in our favor. This month, my estrogen levels looked even better. I was sooo sure that this was going to work. But no, nothing. Instead, I have waisted money and time and have nothing to show for. My body has gone through all of these treatments and nothing. I am so sick of taking fertility meds, having to be careful about what I do, eat and drink. I am beyond pissed off and frustrated today. The previous months I cried my eyes out at a :bfn: . This month, I just want to break something. This is the most frustrating thing I have ever experienced in my life. I thought it was hard to finish school or quit smoking. This tops everything. The emotional burden this infertility thing carries around with itself is beyond anything I have ever felt. I am starting to believe that I am just not meant to have children. On Valentines Day next year, it will be 4 years already that we’ve tried to conceive. Everyone around me is getting pregnant (family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, strangers), many of whom either didn’t try, or just started trying and got pregnant right away. It hurts every single time I hear that someone else got pregnant or when one of my friends tells me about their pregnancies or babies. I want to be happy for them, but I always feel jealous and cheated. They get what I want so bad. I am really starting to believe that I am not meant to have my own children. I am really considering skipping IVF, which I heard is a painful long process too, and just adopt. At least with an adoption, after the long wait and hard work, you are guaranteed to receive a child. I just want one so bad that I dont even care anymore if its my own. I’ve really lost my spirit to continue this any further. Not sure what will happen in January. I am sure my RE will try to convince me to have the IVF consult. But if IUI’s didnt work, why would IVF. I am just so lost in all of this.

Thanks for letting me vent.[/QUOTE]

I am so very sorry I was hoping that you would get your BFP. I went through the same thing last night and told myself I am just going to become a foster mother and hopefully adopt that way. If you consider the IVF, I hope that you finally get what you want.


#7

ssnikitas, my last failure hit me as hard as you described. I lost hope for a while and also thought about quit trying. I was ANGRY and HURT! I took Oct. off due to vacation, didn’t do any soul searching or other deep stuff, just took my mind off it for a month, and miraculously came out ready for IUI #3 (and last before IVF) and potential IVF in Jan. I will have IVF consult with RE’s office next Mon. I’m strangely at peace with this right now. Maybe what you need is to take your mind off it and enjoy the holidays. Eat and drink whatever you want. Claim your body back. :grouphug:


#8

Hi Stephanie,

I’m so sorry to hear about your unsuccessful IUI’s and I can totally feel you, the frustration, the anger, the jealousy and all other negative emotions. The infertility treatment is a long journey and you can’t lose your faith. I know sometimes you just feel angry that why this is not happening to me. I’ve been there so I know. For the past 2 years I’ve been disappointed every single month, seeing all those :bfn: and every time I thought I would be stronger the next time but still I broke down and cry every single time when AF came around. You are not alone and you are deeply felt.

From your signature, you are only 28 years old so I still think you’ve got great chance ahead of you. But you did mention you are overweight. Now I don’t know if that’s an issue in your case, but for me after I was married back in end of 2008 I gained like almost 20 pounds. All kind of red flags came up at that time when I was gaining weight, and one of the major things was I stopped ovulating on my own by missing 3 out of 12 periods in 2009. It was at then I was diagnosed with PCO. My doctor told me I had to lose weight otherwise my chance of being pregnant will be reduced drastically. So I cut down my food portion, exercised regularly to drop my weight to a healthy range. I also took medication for my PCO so staring 2010 I’m back to my own ovulation and everything is turning better.

Still nothing happened for us until this November, which we started our first IUI treatment. My pre-cycle tests came back good, but at the time of trigger I only had 1 follicle that was in good size. My lining was thinned due to Clomid I was taking, only 7mm. And DH’s morphology has always been an issue and he had been taking vitamins. So at the time of trigger I didn’t hold my hope high, thinking the 1st time success rate of IUI is only about 15%. And I only had 1 egg to start with. Maybe because of this kind of thinking that helped me get through the 2ww, during which I was not thinking about it too much and having a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday with my family. Then on 12/4 I did my HPT (16dpiui) and it was :bfp:and it has been ever since. I am on my beta series tests now and hopefully everything will come back good. I was 33 years old when I had the IUI, and now I just turned 34 in December.

So I just wanted to say it’s not hopeless for you. It’s good to vent sometimes, but don’t lose faith on yourself. And yes I did think about IVF as well if IUI did not work for me due to my age. I’ve talked to an IVF consultant and the success rate for my age is about 55%. So it’s a lot higher than IUI, especially for your age. But the cost of IVF is very high compared to IUI. These might be something you need to take consideration into for your next step.

I would suggest you take a couple months off by relaxing yourself. Go have a mini trip, eat and live healthy, take your mind off to somewhere that keeps you positive and happy. Maybe do some Yoga because that helped me relax a great deal. Very importantly you HAVE TO stay positive, BUT don’t tell yourself that you have to have a baby otherwise it’s the end of the world. No, you cannot have that kind of thinking. The more you learn to let go, the better the situation will get and miracle will happen.

Relax, let go a bit, live healthy and positively. I used to feel bitter and resentful too, but ever since I stepped out of my miserable self I felt great about my life, and positive vibes will stick with you and good thing will happen!

Hang in there!


#9

Stephanie: I’m sorry to hear you’re having such anger, but we all understand and have been there at one time or another. Give yourself some time to rest and get through all the emotions and then see where you and your DH stand.

As someone who’s been through IUIs and IVF and have my DD from my IVF, I want to second essemkay that IVF is not as long and daunting a process as you might think, and while it is expensive, there are ways to mitigate the cost. There are shared risk programs where you pay a certain amount for a certain number of cycles. Usually the amount is more than it would be for one IVF cycle but not as much as it would be for 2 or 3. Some programs even offer money back if you do not have a baby at the end of the certain number of cycles. Since the chances for success with IVF are so much better than IUI, it really is a whole different ballgame. I know you might be ready to even think about it yet, but know that it is an option…

:grouphug:


#10

Thank you Ladies for all of your support and encouragements. While I am still mad and frustrated, I feel much better, knowing that I am not alone in this and that there are many more out there that have the same or similar problems trying to have a baby.

I have spoken with RE office earlier today, and they suggest doing 2-3 more cycles of IUI’s using injectibles. I am not too hot on the idea, so I will have to think about it. But it looks like AF is already here (spotting already). I dont know what will be different this time around that I havent already experienced with the previous IUI’s. DH thinks that we should move on this month and just do another IUI with injectibles because he doesnt want my system to fall off the wagon, which I dont think will happen. I think it might actually be beneficial if you take a month off to let your system reboot so to speak and relax. I will have to think about it and then decide. Its just so frustrating. I almost want to jump to IVF if I do anything since it has a higher chance of success. But RE office said that they usually do IVF as a last resort?!

Again, thank you all for being there when I needed your advice and vent. It really helped letting off steam here.:grouphug:


#11

[quote=ssnikitas]Thank you Ladies for all of your support and encouragements. While I am still mad and frustrated, I feel much better, knowing that I am not alone in this and that there are many more out there that have the same or similar problems trying to have a baby.

I have spoken with RE office earlier today, and they suggest doing 2-3 more cycles of IUI’s using injectibles. I am not too hot on the idea, so I will have to think about it. But it looks like AF is already here (spotting already). I dont know what will be different this time around that I havent already experienced with the previous IUI’s. DH thinks that we should move on this month and just do another IUI with injectibles because he doesnt want my system to fall off the wagon, which I dont think will happen. I think it might actually be beneficial if you take a month off to let your system reboot so to speak and relax. I will have to think about it and then decide. Its just so frustrating. I almost want to jump to IVF if I do anything since it has a higher chance of success. But RE office said that they usually do IVF as a last resort?!

Again, thank you all for being there when I needed your advice and vent. It really helped letting off steam here.:grouphug:[/quote]

I think IVF should definitely be done as a last resort. I think there are increased chances of chromosomal disorders etc. You should read that book, Making Babies. Amazon.com: Making Babies: A Proven 3-Month Program for Maximum Fertility (9780316024501): Sami S. David, Jill Blakeway: Books

Anyway, I found it pretty informative. I think you should definitely try the most natural option you have, which in this case is the IUI with injections. Good luck!


#12

(Oops, don’t know how I got that !! in the bubble in the heading - sorry!)

I just wanted to chime back in to say that IVF is not necessarily a last resort. When we were unsuccessful with our initial 3 IUIs with Clomid, the RE gave us the option of doing IUIs with injectibles or going straight to IVF. (Or undergoing laparoscopic surgery) It’s obviously up to you, but from all the research I’ve done, there are no higher incidents of chromosomal abnormalities due to IVF and the success rate is so much higher than IUIs, even with injectibles. Our RE estimated our IUI/injectible success rate to be about 15-20% but IVF success rate to be 55-60%. That’s why DH and I decided to jump to that option. Again, I’m not trying to sway you one way or another, just letting you know my path.

Now one confounding factor is that a lot of couples do IVF specifically to diagnose genetic abnormalities before implantation. Perhaps that has thrown off some statistics?


#13

[quote=knpoduch]I think IVF should definitely be done as a last resort. I think there are increased chances of chromosomal disorders etc. You should read that book, Making Babies. Amazon.com: Making Babies: A Proven 3-Month Program for Maximum Fertility (9780316024501): Sami S. David, Jill Blakeway: Books

Anyway, I found it pretty informative. I think you should definitely try the most natural option you have, which in this case is the IUI with injections. Good luck![/quote]

Stephanie- I HIGHLY recommend this book as well. knpoduch told me about it a few weeks ago and I ordered it that day. Now, I’m about half way through and I’ve had many “OH!?!” and “I didn’t know that” realizations. #1 advice I would start with even if you don’t get the book is (1) Are you charting so you “know” your cycle? (2) Are you testing on OPK even with a IUI cycle?

Looking back, I wish I had been using OPK with my last two IUI’s because especially the last time (4 mature follies and 150Mil swimmers) I thought for SURE it would work. Now I think I had already ovulated and we missed it. (My doc didn’t do an U/S or bloodwork the day of the IUI which makes me suspicious but that’s another topic all together)

Anyway, make sure you know what day you ovulate even with IUI’s!!! Don’t just rely on the RE to tell you you’re fine.