Sperm donation or adoption


We have tried for 7yrs now, final diagnosis given last year- DH has genetic abnormality. next thing is sperm donation or adoption. DH got depressed now on treatment, doesn’t want to make decision, I can’t talk to him about it, scared he might relapse? Gynae told us to decide quickly recently had fibriod remove so womb is clean.

What can I do now, have no one to talk to!!!

Me 31
DH 39
Clomid 2005
Lap scope 2005
Hysteroscope 2007
Arti insem 2009 fail
Arti insem 2010 fail
Lap scope 2011 removal fibriod


If I were in your shoes, I will keep talking to my husband about it to arrive to a decision. If he doesn’t want to talk now, I’ll wait until he’s ready, even if that means I’d have to wait for months or years and the fibroid may come back. He wants a child as much as you do I think he really needs your support right now.


Also i advice getting a second opinion from a RE, not a OBGYN. My husband and I are seeing a new doctor and we are required to have a genetic consultation prior to treatment. The consultant said it will only be a problem if both parents have genetic abnormalities but if only one parent has it, it may not pass to the offsprings.

Also before we went to see this new doctor, the old doctor we saw recommended SCSI for my husband to look at DNA fragmentation. She still recommended IVF regardless of the results of the SCSI.

I don’t know what kind of genetic abnormalities your husband was diagnosed but i strongly suggest seeking a second opinion.


I agree w/Alexi! Stick by your husband. I understand his feeling of having to use donor! We are one Ivf round from using donor. You do turn inward on the thought of it not being your biological child! And big time 2nd opinion! This is a great forum for support! Best of luck!


I’m realizing that our guys go through the same feelings of guilt about IF as we do. My husband has shared a lot more recently about how he feels like a failure as a husband and a man b/c he hasn’t been able to give me baby and he can’t fix our IF problems. Up until now, I’m the one that has had all the IF problems! It doesn’t matter, he still places the blame on his own shoulders.

I know that you feel the time crunch, but he may need time to deal with all his new emotions. And b/c he’s a guy, he’s not going to talk about these emotions until he’s dealt with them on his own. Be there for him, don’t pressure him to talk about it yet. I’d just research options on your own. Especially if adoption may be on the table. There’s so much to consider when making the decisions you are about to make and you can weed through the info and condense it to what you are comfortable with proceeding with so that when he’s ready to talk that research is done. Just an idea.


Also, you say he’s undergoing treatment but you didn’t say whether or not he’s been in any therapy–do you think it might help for you to go with him to a therapy session? Maybe being in a room with another, unbiased person could actually help him feel “safer” about making the decision. I know sometimes (some) men feel a little overwhelmed when talking about emotional things because women tend to communicate much more face-to-face, whereas men often talk side-to-side, so having to look right in your eyes where it’s just him, you, and God, he might feel a little under pressure. It’s just a suggestion, and it might not apply to him at all. But around a therapist, sometimes a person (in this case, your husband) can vocalize those little internal discussions without having the other person give supporting reasons or counterarguments, which can be helpful.


Thank you all for your advices. I think we will seek psychological help asap. Its just too sad not having anyone to talk to and share deep feelings with.

I’m glad I joined this forum, sharing with people who really know what you r going through helps a million times.


I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this current blow to the stomach, my heart breaks for your husband.

Maybe take a few days off from talking about the process (if possible)…he needs time to process. Don’t read in to it too much, just be there.

Best of luck!!