New to this forum and have never posted on this or any other forum in my life. Feeling a bit desperate and need advice from someone who may have a clue what my family is going through. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for approx. 7 years. We have exhausted all the treatments options available to us and have recently resigned ourselves to the fact that we are not going to be having our own biological children (I am 41 my husband 39). It has been an extremely trying few years and it has taken a toll on our relationship. Our diagnosis is “unexplained infertility” and neither of us appears to have any physical problems that would prevent us from getting pregnant.
While I have no biological children my husband has 2 girls from previous relationships (22 and 18 if you can believe it). Unfortunately, as his oldest daughter was 14 years old when we met, our relationship has never been close. However, his younger daugther and I have been very close for 9 years and she is well aware of our efforts to have a family of our own. As a family we have watched a number of teenagers become pregnant and have children in the time we have been trying to conceive. She has been there (although we’ve tried not to burden her) to experience how unfair it is to watch unprepared teenagers bear children that they are not prepared to care for. So, you can imagine our hurt and dissappointment when our daughter recently announced to us she is pregnant. She is 18 years old, recently finished high school, no job or interest in finding an job, no plans on how she plans to support her child, no interest in marrying or moving in with the father (who is also unemployed). She lives with her mother who is on Social assistance and can not provide financially for her current children let alone this new baby. My husband and I both have good jobs and have always provided his daughter with all the luxuries in life her Mother could not (in addition to a boat load of child support).
It is the opinion of my husband, myself and many of our friends and family that this pregancy was not an accident. Most of her teenage friends and family have babies and my husband and I have been concerned for a couple years that she too wanted a baby (kinda like wanting an Ipod that all her friends have). She had been warned about the impact her getting pregant would have on our family and it didn’t matter to her. She has apologized to me for it many times and I have not made my fertility an issue with her. I have told her how concerned i am for her well being and that of her baby. She is begging me to be there to support her and her baby. Her father would like her to move in with us (even though she has never lived with us) to ensure the baby is taken care of. If it was up to him he would protect, excuse and enable her and this baby would become his responsibility.
To further complicate the situation, my husband and I had recently decided (after years of him not being receptive to the idea) to adopt. This is obviously not going to happen given the mess that our family life is now in. It would appear that my need to have a child will have to take the back seat to my stepdaughters want to have a child she could have waited a decade to have. I am very concerned that I have a very small window left to have a family and that if I have to make this sacrifice I may live to resent my husband and stepdaugher forever.
Please do not misunderstand, I love my stepdaughter very much and am extremely concerned about her and her child. I do not want to turn my back on her when she needs me most. I realize she is my husbands responsibility and he needs to be sure she is cared for. However, how am I supposed to bring a baby that is not mine into my home, work every day while she stays home, and not be able to raise the child myself. At the same time giving up what may be my last chance to have a family of my own. She is 18 years old and has made an adult choice to have this baby. She is quite happy about her situation and proudly strutting her baby bump on her facebook page etc. So, any thoughts of her allowing us to adopt the child would not be entertained (nor would I ever suggest it to her).
Desperate and looking for any hope you can offer. I feel terrible for my husband who is so stuck in the middle. What an impossible situation.