The ignorance of some people, really


#1

I was chatting with an acquaintence today (who just had a baby) and she was complaining about money problems. She asked me why my DH and I haven’t had any children yet and I told her that we weren’t sure we wanted any (we have decided to keep our infertility private). She responded by telling me that that was a selfish decision and that all we care about is money!
I was shocked and before I could say anything she walked away.

Is anyone here also choosing to keep their infertility struggles private? If so, how do you handle the ignorance of people who don’t know? It’s very frusterating.


#2

I can’t speak to the privacy issues, but can tell you that even when we have been “open” about things…the ignorant comments still fly!

I could pay for my donor egg cycle if I got $1 for each of the following comments/questions…

  1. You two have plenty of time…just keep trying.
  2. Take a vacation, it’ll happen.
  3. Why don’t you just adopt?
  4. I got pregnant just sharing the soap with my husband.
  5. Get drunk, it’ll happen then.
  6. I could drop a baby every 9 months.
    Etc, etc, etc…sigh.

BTW We’ve been called selfish because we chose to try 2 OE IVF cycles and an upcoming donor egg cycle instead of going straight to adoption… Interestingly enough, the people accusing us of this never faced infertility or adoption!

Good luck with your future decisions! The decision to use or not use donors is a VERY hard one…trust me, we know all too well. Best wishes!


#3

I’ve actually been very open about it. Because so many of my friends have experienced fertility issues they tend to be more sensitive. Even when they do make an offhand comment that could cause offense, they apologize immediately. They also understand that sometimes I’m not up to gatherings with their kids. I guess I’m quite lucky. I also have an explanation for my fertility issues (fibroids which were removed a few months ago) so I don’t get as much unwanted advice as others.


#4

My husband I have decided to keep the infertility private. The only people that know are my parents and sister and boss. My husband’s mother is kept in the dark because in her eyes “IVF is a sin”. Yeah she said that. Christmas Eve my husband’s cousin got a good buzz and kept bugging us on why we don’t have any children. My husband told him to mind his own business. Well after that the cousin cornered me and would not let go of the issue. I basically told him that at this point we are comfortable and children are not on the to do list. The cousin got pissed at me and said that I am getting old (i’m 34) and I am making a big mistake. I wanted to lash out on him but I did not want to ruin Christmas. My husband’s brother (he has a idea that we are struggling jumped in and changed the subject). It’s hard to keep this private. I get questioned all the time and now I resulted to tell people that we don’t want children. With that remark I get the nasty look from people. No matter what you say you will be judged because you did not have children at a “right” age.


#5

I don’t understand why people feel that it’s their place to judge someone if they don’t want children. Why is it seen as a selfish and/or bad thing? In my case, I do want a child but, like you, I choose to tell people that I don’t in order to keep the infertility a secret. But still, if I was fertile and just chose to not have children, it’s nobody’s business! Why do people get so worked up about how others choose to live their lives??

Ok anyway, venting aside, I’m wondering if you’ve considered telling people the truth about your situation? I go back and forth and honestly I’m not 100% sure why I keep it private. Maybe I think that people would be insensitive and judgemental. Maybe I have trust issues. Maybe I just don’t feel like explaining it to people all the time. Whatever the reason, I feel more comfortable keeping it private.

All the best to you in your journey. Try to dodge the insensitive people as much as possible!