The Stupid Things People Say after m/c


#1

It was only after experiencing a m/c that I realised how insensitive people are! One of my ways to try and deal with my pain, was to keep a list of things you should not say to a woman who m/c’ed. I also take it upon me now to educate these people, I believe it comes from a good place, they just do not know what to say in support. I decided to share my list, for what it might be worth. If it puts a smile on only one person’s face on this board, it would be worth it!

Well, here goes my list:

  1. “Don’t worry, its the rotten apple that falls from the tree.” First prize goes to mother-in-law.
  2. An all-time favourite: I realy do not care how many miscarriages your friend, aunt, sister, etc had!! The mere fact that someone else is in such a miserable state is realy not helping.
  3. Another classic: That I am now super fertile. As if every woman falls preggos after a m/c! How little do ye know…
  4. Just being rude: That I caused the miscarriage! By driving too far, by eating ice-cream, whatever!
  5. I could not believe the cold-heartedness of this one: “Well, what did you expect if you fall pregnant at 40?” Seriously?!?
  6. Also cold: “It must be bad, but I am sure your doctor must have warned you it can happen.” Hummmm… lets think about it. So every time you climb in a car do you warn yourself of the worst possible outcome?!
  7. That I am strong and that I should now get over it. Jeeeezzz, have mercy, it takes as long as it takes!!! (this one was 2 hours after the d&c!!!)
  8. That I have been saved of a lot of sorrows and tears… Ummmm… as opposed to the giggles and smiles I am having now in dealing with my m/c?
  9. That, at least, now I can make an informed decision about the future. What?!? This m/c will not kill my dream of having a baby!
  10. That my husband and I should have some pills to calm us down and that we should go to the doctor. Good grief! We are as calm as we will get, we just need to grieve!
  11. “This is a course in life, not a crisis of life.” Maybe for you, you philosophical twit!
  12. “Luckily you will forget this quickly once you fall pregnant.” As if you would know.
  13. Then people telling me what I should feel, how I should grieve, what I should do. Each of us will figure this out in our own way!!!
  14. “Are you going to try again?” It has nothing to do with you, my friend!
  15. My personal favourite: “Next time, just put a pillow under your bum and lay down for 15 min after sex.” Aaaahhhhh… so THAT was what I was doing wrong! I could have avoided all the injections, meds, IUI, poking in my privates, if I just knew THAT little secret!!

I can just shake my head at the stupid things people say. Please share your experiences of the stupid things people said to you! I would love to hear it!


#2

So sorry you have to go through this! Some of the stuff people have said to you is just outrageous :eek: . My favorite was from my mother-in-law “oh no, what am I going to say to all those people who I just told about your pregnancy?” So sorry that you feel bad you have to break this news to people after we TOLD you not to tell anyone yet.


#3

Hello,
After my miscarriage, my boss came to my office and said: “Are you feeling better?” I responded No because I was still in a lot of pain physically and emotionally, so she looked at me and said:“Good, so maybe you can stay late tonight because you were out of the office for the last two days and you are behind. It will change your mind anyway”. To be honest, I did not what to say or do…but I did not stay mate :).
So, a year later, when I started my IVF, she was very surprised that I got pregnant the first time (bc IVF never works…She said it to me one day) and by the week 7 of my pregnancy, she came and asked me if I was afraid to have another miscarriage…and explained to me that there is other solutions to have a baby…
I had a very good health insurance, I stayed but of course, after the birth of my baby, I had to let her go.

Miscarriages are very very painful. It took me almost a year to get better, and I started to feel myself after what would have been the D-date.
However, my second pregnancy was easy, no problem besides my age (40-41) and I wish you a lot success in the future. Don’t listen to them. You don’t have time for that.


#4

There seems to be so many stupid things that people say after a m/c.
The ones I have gotten so far:

  • “At least you know you can get pregnant.”
  • “At least you weren’t that far along.”
  • “Maybe it just wasn’t mean to be right now.”
  • “It’ll happen again when the time is right.”
  • “Maybe for financial reasons it was the best thing.”
  • “What’s the rush?”

And the best so far:

  • “You’re young and it’s not like you’ve been trying for awhile or going through fertility treatments.” - Thanks to co-worker. She has no idea.

PEOPLE NEED TO STOP MINIMIZING OUR PAIN! These things will not make it any easier to cope!


#5

My last m/c I started to pass and I was in a lot of pain so I went to the Catholic ER the nurse came in check on me

Pad me on the head and said “oh dear the pain cant be that bad your not that far a long”

there may have been a threat after that on my part.
a she never came in my room again.


#6

Wow. You’re awesome girl, and you DID put a smile on my face. I just had my 8 week miscarriage from my last IVF FET.

Like you, ever since I started infertility treatment I’ve come to discover how stupid and insensitive people’s words can be.

But to cheer us up, I’ve also had some responses to my early miscarriage that I deeply appreciated, and here’s a list:

  1. From my RE.

When I bursted out in tears at his U/S sound room, after he had told me the gestational sac was too small and there’s no heartbeat, my RE handed me his tissue paper, patted my shoulder and said: “I’m so sorry. There’s nothing you could’ve done. This is not your fault at all.”

Then he told me and DH to take as long as we want in the U/S room and waited patiently outside the door until I was able to calm down to discuss with us what to do.

  1. My close friend at work.

I love her two cute daughters and had been sooo hoping to tell her about my pregnancy, at the end of the first trimester. But I didn’t make it. And when I told her about my miscarriage, she asked how long? I said at 8 weeks. Tears came to her eyes and she gave me a long silent hug, before saying anything comforting.

I felt sooo touched by that. Sometimes you eyes and gestures show all the genuine sympathy you need to show. And I can tell if someone truly feels for me or not. That’s why I can never understand why some folks like to toy with words on someone else’s mishap which they don’t really care about.

  1. My mom.

The first thing my mom said after hearing the news was: "Are you OK? This is hard for all of us (my folks were very involved and supportive for our IVF), but I know it’s the hardest for you my girl. "


#7

[quote=Pookiepook]Wow. You’re awesome girl, and you DID put a smile on my face. I just had my 8 week miscarriage from my last IVF FET.

Like you, ever since I started infertility treatment I’ve come to discover how stupid and insensitive people’s words can be.

But to cheer us up, I’ve also had some responses to my early miscarriage that I deeply appreciated, and here’s a list:

  1. From my RE.

When I bursted out in tears at his U/S sound room, after he had told me the gestational sac was too small and there’s no heartbeat, my RE handed me his tissue paper, patted my shoulder and said: “I’m so sorry. There’s nothing you could’ve done. This is not your fault at all.”

Then he told me and DH to take as long as we want in the U/S room and waited patiently outside the door until I was able to calm down to discuss with us what to do.

  1. My close friend at work.

I love her two cute daughters and had been sooo hoping to tell her about my pregnancy, at the end of the first trimester. But I didn’t make it. And when I told her about my miscarriage, she asked how long? I said at 8 weeks. Tears came to her eyes and she gave me a long silent hug, before saying anything comforting.

I felt sooo touched by that. Sometimes you eyes and gestures show all the genuine sympathy you need to show. And I can tell if someone truly feels for me or not. That’s why I can never understand why some folks like to toy with words on someone else’s mishap which they don’t really care about.

  1. My mom.

The first thing my mom said after hearing the news was: "Are you OK? This is hard for all of us (my folks were very involved and supportive for our IVF), but I know it’s the hardest for you my girl. "[/quote]

Sounds like you are fortunate to have people say the right thing. I sometimes still feel sad about some of the comments I’ve heard along the way. And really know what you meant about seeing something genuine in someone’s eyes. The sincerity is something I’d never forget.


#8

Yeah, Shasie, but I’ve also had plenty of bad ones…

Like " You could always adopt" (by our wonderful SIL when we went to see her newborn baby girl, when I told her we were just about to START infertility treatment).

She then started talking about her friends who found “amazing surrogate” and got successful when my first transfer ended in a chemical pregnancy, and she knows our problem is Male Factor.

That one really hurt, as I was already feeling deeply guilty about my early miscarriage, even though that guilt was unbased, even though my RE said repeatedly it’s the embie’s problem, can’t do anything about it. But you girls know how you feel that agonizing doubt about yourself when it doesn’t work. And to have someone talking about surrogate to you right then…

But, I’m trying to focus on the bright side, and think about all the ppls who are rooting for us. That makes this whole ordeal a bit easier.


#9

a good friend of my told me after I finally decided to talk about miscarriage:“do you think you could still get pregnant?”

I was really angry and sad after this and decided not to tell to anyone else about what happen.

I just hope that this time around will be better!!!

Good luck to all of you and God save us of stupid friends and family!!!


#10

“At least you know you can get pregnant.” Is the one I’ve heard more than any other. I think people are trying to find a silver lining for me and that is as good as they can come up with. Unfortunately that isn’t much of a silver lining. But I think it is a common response because everyone hears about those who have difficulty getting pregnant, and they are trying to find something to be grateful for.

I’m sorry for all of your losses. I hope you all get your miracle babies soon (((HUGS)))


#11

I’ve had 5 miscarriages. Clearly I am ready to lose my mind and you are right - ppls comments do not help.

Doc after 1st m/c - at least it’s not your 3rd - that’s when we will call you HABITUAL ABORTER.
Like its a Fing choice!

I also do not want to hear how many your secretary had or whoever else and then right after they got pregnant. I know these people mean well so it doesn’t hurt. I just don’t want to hear it.

The one that hurts the most - Children are a blessing from God. Hmmm. Ok. I guess God hates me then and doesn’t want to grant me a child. Now I am childless and a bad Christian. As if this process isn’t hell enough already.


#12

I’m quite late to this thread but would like to add “you just need to think positive”. This is my sister who has 2 kids in response to me learning of a large sch with 50/50 m/c chance and no successful pregnancies. I thanked her and noted I didn’t find her comment helpful as it insinuates I have control over this. Her response was that she believes I do.

I would like to punch her in the face.


#13

I lost my twins at 20 weeks and my favorites were…
everything happens for a reason and I know what you are going through.

Really, if there is a reason…let me know what it is! That cant be the answer for everything

and NO, you don’t know what I’m going through…you have children! You didn’t go through 4 years of fertility treatments and IVF to have a “perfect” pregnancy up until 20 weeks and then lose everything.

People should learn that if you don’t know what to say…it is perfectly ok to not say anything other than Im so sorry you are going through this. (and stop right there)


#14

I think the only offensive thing that has been said to me so far is that two friends told me about their abortions, for which they had a d and c. I’m having my d and c tomorrow and while it might be the same procedure to “empty the uterus” what I’m going through is nothing like an abortion…


#15

I’m sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to forewarn you that when I had my D&C the paperwork said “abortion” (I guess, technically, that’s what it is regardless of circumstances). It still to this day bothers me.


#16

I’m sympathetic with your painful feeling!

I don’t know why others can behave badly to someone who lost…It’s truly cruel to treat miserable people that way; however, to be honest, it’s only you…yourself…who can love you on earth. That’s why, you must be strong & think positive all the time!!!

That’s the only 1 way to survive in this life…
Take care…


#17

The absolute worst comment I got after my miscarriage came from someone who asked my what the experience was like (I miscarried naturally at home at almost 11 weeks). After telling her that the worst of it was about 1/2 hour of sobbing, vomiting, and ridiculous amounts of blood, she said “You think that’s bad? You should try giving birth! It’s truly aweful, but once you see the baby, you realize it was all worth it.” Yeah… I hung up and immediately burst into tears.