Your daughter is beautiful! I can’t believe how much you look alike - and I love your story. I’m reading like a fiend about epigenetics tonight - it’s SO interesting. I can’t thank you enough for mentioning it to me!
I really like your approach with telling people. I still have a lot of thinking to do, but feel like I want to wait until after my little person arrives. I don’t need any judgement or comments or the risk thereof, and once the family/friends meet & fall in love, it just won’t matter when I do share.
Maybe I’ll give them an article on epigenetics while I’m at it.
My approach to sharing started with trying to conceive. I am a single mother by choice, so it’s not like anyone in my circles was expecting to hear news of a pregnancy. I had shared with many family members and friends that if I was still single by a certain age I’d be pursuing a family solo, and lots of people knew this because I was a foster/adopt approved home and had included many of those people in the home study process.
When it came to TTC, I told very few people, mostly because I didn’t want the pressure of having to update people or have people ask me if I was pregnant yet and then feel double the disappointment at a failed cycle knowing I’d have to share the bad news. When I got pregnant, I waited until I was out of the danger zone before announcing it to everyone and at that point, I told a few people face to face the whole story and then wrote a newsletter for everyone else. In the letter I included the details of my long struggle, why I had not shared while TTC, and how I ultimately found my donors. So, pretty much, I announced my kids were donor conceived when I announced that I was pregnant.
I have had a few people who were curious and asked how I found my donors, but most of those people have been ones who were considering the route themselves. It’s really been a non-issue. Everyone sees these as my children and I have gotten nothing but positive responses about the choice to be a mother and the way I became one. It really was a load off of my shoulders too. I don’t have to feel uncomfortable when someone I know (and who knows their story) says that my kids look so much like me (and I don’t have to say anything or feel like I am lying by omission if I don’t say anything) because they already know our conception story. If I meet a stranger and they make a comment about the kids looking like me and “what does the father look like” I just say “thanks” and say I am a single mother by choice. If they’re rude or nosey, sometimes I just say I was abducted by aliens, but most of the time I am open and say a family donated embryos to me to help me have children. Sadly, there are people on this planet who don’t even know what an embryo is and then I just smile and say it’s complicated and wish them well.
I’m so glad you have found a path and are pursuing it. If you really want an open ID donor, you can be assertive about that with your clinic and they may have the option but are not disclosing it. Some clinics are starting to offer open id egg donors. If you want to look into the overseas option I found it is called Global Egg Donors. It’s based in South Africa but they work with clinics across the world. Total cost depends on what country you choose but it was anywhere between 12-16K when I looked into it.
I started looking into epigenetics after my kids were born and they looked so much like me and my family. It was quite shocking the resemblance. My son looked like a clone of my brother when he was born. I also had several friends who had used donated embryos or eggs and had noticed their kids looked a lot like them too so I think it is a bit more than a coincidence. One cool story here is that I was born with a mole on my hip. My dad had a mole in the same spot and so he used to point to my mole and say that was where he “kissed me” when I was born. Well, both my twins have a mole in that exact same spot.
If you’re not convinced, here are two photos. One is me, and one is my daughter.[/QUOTE]