Thinking of adopting


My wife and I just started consulting a specialist for our issues in trying to conceive. At the same time, I’ve heard a lot of stories about how these treatments can frequently just be a waste of time, money, effort and tears.

A good friend of mine was going through a similar thing with his wife and they advised us that we just do what they wished they had done all along - adopt. My wife is open to the idea already; understandably so, since it is she who has to go through most of the physical difficulties involved in trying to conceive.

But I still want to try and have our own child. I know that there is nothing wrong with adopting. I also know the risks and difficulties people go through when they have to deal with infertility but are trying their hardest to conceive. But at the end of the day, I just want to have a child that I know came from the two of us.

Am I being too selfish?


I wouldn’t say you’re being too selfish. Many people try to get pregnant first because if they move straight to adoption then they might always wonder “What if?”. We chose IVF first because honestly, it was much cheaper than adoption. We did a few rounds before moving on to adoption. Biology was never important to us but I did want to say that I tried so that when we move on to child-free living or adoption then I would never have to wonder.


For us it is the reverse, my DH is willing to move to adoption right away, and I am the one wanting to try IVF (we haven’t done any other treatments as the Drs we’ve seen say ivf is our only choice). For me it is the pregnancy part itself that I don’t want to miss (if possible of course). I feel like I will better be able to move on after trying IVF first.
I don’t think you are being selfish at all. You might want to find out her opinion though. My DH thinks that adoption is more likely to succeed, but I hesitate because of the long wait times for infant adoption. We are still talking thru both options, but will be consulting an RE next week about the IVF process.


I agree. Even though ours was unsuccessful (mtese waiting on final pathology report) and the chance of us having a biological child was slim. I think we needed to know so we wouldn’t always wonder what if. I think it’s sort of closure for us. It looks to me like a lot of couples seem to have one move through the emotional part of it all faster. Sometimes it takes one a little longer to get past not being able to conceive. I feel like if you don’t both get to the point you need before you move on to adoption regret and anger or blame may inevitably follow.