Trouble functioning after miscarriage


#1

Back story:
[I]Me 30 (normal)
DH 30 (low motility & 0% morphology after taking 1000mg of vitamin C&E daily… also the only one in the family to carry on his family genes)[/I]
[B]No children[/B]
[B]No healthcare coverage for fertility treatments[/B]

Normally I don’t share but my therapist strongly encouraged me to get on a miscarriage discussion board and share my experience.

We have been together for 10+ years but decided to wait to start a family until we could financially provide for them. 3 years ago we started trying and after a year found out we had MFI. Almost 6 months after we found out we got in to see a RE. He told us to we should try 3 rounds of IUIs, Of course the first round was unsuccessful but he had good counts (post wash: 15 million, 40% motility, still 0 morphology though). Then had to sit out a month due to cysts. RE increased my meds and I overproduced (6, 20+mm eggs) so the RE told us we had to “coast”. When it was time to do the IUI, DH’s counts were almost non-existent so RE recommended to cancel the IUI. He pulled us into his office and told us the IUIs weren’t going to work. The only way we would likely to conceive was ICSI. We were devastated because without insurance coverage this was not something we could afford. 4 weeks after we found out my brother announced he got his girlfriend pregnant and got fired from his job. I could not be happy for him, I was angry with him. Logically I knew it was crazy but I couldn’t help how I felt. It took me the next 5 months to come to terms with the fact that we would likely never have our own child. I was even planning a baby shower for my brother’s girlfriend. Then out of nowhere my DH and I got pregnant with no fertility treatments. My cycle that month was weird, I had spotting 7 days before missed period. So I was like what the heck and took a pregnancy test on CD 25 and it came back positive. I was over the moon. I wanted to celebrate but DH was cautious and didn’t want to accept it until the doctors said yes. At 4 weeks we went in for our first blood test, and it came back positive. They did have to provide me progesterone supplements as it was a little low. DH still cautious said I don’t want to celebrate until we get second beta back. Second beta came back and HCG levels rose 66%. The doctors said we are pregnant. Both of us were super excited. 4 days later we told our parents. Both were over the moon with us. From the very second I got my positive result, I took my daily prenatal vitamins, got my daily exercise, only drank water and I was even eating RAW avocado (because it’s suppose to be a really good source of folic acid). I was so happy I was already talking to my little bean and I KNEW the baby could not hear me. Then 5w4d I decided to take a pregnancy test because I LOVED seeing pregnant on the stick. Only this time it came back negative. I panicked and called the OBGYN. They had me in the next day and marked the HCG stat so I got the results back that same day. It was confirmed I was miscarrying. The levels were so low they thought it was best to let me miscarry naturally. That next morning I woke up to so much blood and cramping. My DH was by my side every second. Then I passed what appeared to be the gestational sac with lots of tissue. There was so much blood from what I am use to seeing on my menstrual cycle. I broke down, I couldn’t even flush the toilet. DH had to do it. I felt so bad for him. I still do. We lost the baby November 14th 2012. For the past 10 years we have been planning, last 3 actively trying for our little baby and now we are left heartbroken. DH has been great, he even was able to get back to work the following day. However, I am so depressed, I even quit my job (worked part time at retail store and freelance photographer) because I couldn’t handle seeing families together. I shop during the late hours to do my best to avoid seeing children. It took me a week to get out of bed. I am seeing a therapist, exercising daily, working on my photography, and I am going out to lunches with a friend who recently found out she couldn’t have children. It is nice to have someone to talk to but I still feel empty. I have a hard time sleeping because when I do I see so much blood. My grandmother past away this past week and for the first time I was forced to see my brother and his pregnant girlfriend. Everyone started cooing over her baby kicking and I couldn’t handle. I ran away to one of the bedrooms and broke down. DH came in with me as well as my sister and just laid with me. Next week I go in to see a psychiatrist to be put on antidepressants. Not so happy about that either because it makes me feel like even more of a failure. But I can’t deny any more that I need more help because I do want to have children, whether we can successfully do so with IVF or adoption. The baby only deserves a healthy mother and I do want to be that. DH’s (software developer) boss is giving him a one time bonus of 5-10k to help us do IVF or adoption. I want to do the IVF but I hear so many stories of IVF failures. How can I deal with another miscarry if it comes to that? The fear of miscarrying leads to adoption, but the regret of never trying leads me to IVF…


#2

[SIZE=3][FONT=Calibri][B]Mrsangelrr[/B] – I’m sorry to hear about your loss and the devastation you are going through. You are defiantly in the right spot / forum to receive support. Many of us here are dealing with reoccurring pregnancy loss (me included). But what keeps me motivated is my DH and knowing in my heart my RE (infertility dr) will help us. Your heart is aching for the loss of your baby; give yourself some time to heal. Everyone heals differently and 3 months may not be suitable for you and that’s completely normal. Cry when you need to, journal your feelings, take pictures of scenery that makes you smile / happy. One day you’ll come to the understanding for some reason it wasn’t meant to be and at that point you will be strong enough to try again. Try to clear your mind of the “unknown” and “what if” scenarios. Try to remember this quote: The windshield is bigger than your rearview mirror because you should be looking forward and not backwards towards the past. This “rearview mirror” focus robs you of the present happiness and future promises. With that said try to make the best of each day; embrace you’re DH and together you will get through this struggle. I wish you nothing but pure happiness and the gift of life (children). [/FONT][/SIZE]


#3

Thank you for your response and encouraging quote. I am so sorry for your multiple losses. My DH has been absolutely wonderful and understanding throughout this whole thing. Never once has he told me to get over it. My dog also has been wonderful, he sticks by my side and kisses my tears. I don’t think I would have gotten through those first couple of days when my DH was at work without my dog. Best wishes to you and your husband.


#4

Dear MrsAngel, my heart ached when I read your post. First of all, I want to congratulate you for sharing. I know how difficult it is to put your feelings out there in the big wide universe not knowing what might happen. You are very brave to open your heart and share, despite your heart being broken in a million pieces.

Secondly, I am proud of you to have the courage to realise you will need antidepressants. I also used to see it as another failure, not being able to sort out my own emotions. It takes a big person to accept you need help. It helped me to realise that antidepressants are a medication just like any other. If you have any other illness, you would not even consider going without it just because of your own views about “failure”. Society has made depression into a “weakness” ilness, where the truth is that you need medical help, just as any other illness. Just because its different than other illnesses, does not make it less real. You will feel the difference in coping once the antidepressants kick in. One day you will wake up and the sun will shine again, I promise you that!! Keep in mind that sometimes it takes some time to figure out what meds are the best, and be open with your pshyciatrist. It took me and my psyciatrist about 6 months to get the right combination. Also, some antidepressants are very safe to use while ttc and throughout pregnancy. I use 3 different types and my fertility specialist as well as my psyciatrist insist I continue its use throughout my preg (when I fall preg and stay preg one day).

While I’m busy writing a book, I can just as well continue :wink: You have been through an extremely traumatic experience. It must have been terrible to have seen all that blood. I am so very very sorry you had to go through that! Out of my own experience, I know that words can not comfort such a deep sore, but please know I wish you never had to go through it. If you do not mind, I would like to share a miracle storie of my best friend. We are friends for 10 years now, and she has been ttc now for 4 years. She had several (I think 8?) IUI’s, all bfn. She then fell pregnant naturally and we were all over the moon. Sadly she m/c and had a traumatic experience in the d&c. For the next two years she underwent 4 IVF’s, also negative. November last year I fell preg after my first IUI. Now, I
Am 3 yaers older than her and have only been trying for a year. I had lots of guilt towards her. She, of course, was devestated but happy for me. Suddenly, when we came back from holdiday in January, I miscarried and two weeks later we found out she is pregnant - naturally!! She is now 10 weeks and everything looks perfect. We talk a lot about the strange way everything worked out. I asked her why she thinks she conceived naturally after all those attempts. She said “God’s timing” and also that she first had to deal with letting her lost baby go, and only when the grief was out her heart she had space for a new baby. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that you should take your time, grieve your loss and when you let your lost baby go, then try again. Know that your baby is waiting, patiently, for you. And your baby WILL come, it doesn’t matter how!

I hope we can stay in touch, and please update me on how you’re doing, the antidepressants, everything. I would love to share this journey with you, whether you get pregnant this year, next year, in five years, whenever! It will happen, at the perfect time. Take care mrsAngel, you will get through this.


#5

First, you are not a failure for needed antidepressents! You are dealing with a VERY emotional issue and being depressed or having to take medicain does not make you weak, or a failure. You need to do what makes you feel better, and if antidepressents will take the “edge” off some of the pain you are dealing with then please don’t hesitate to take them and don’t feel bad about it.

I’m am so sorry you are going through this. I also had a hard time with depression while TTC (I have a history of it and have been on and off meds since college), I remember finding out when one of my close friends was pregnant with her second, I locked myself in a room and cried for HOURS. It’s a terribly hard thing to go through. After my miscarriage the only thing that kept me going was to start on the next step towards motherhood (for us it was IVF). I’m not going to lie, I was a wreck during my IVF cycle (and pregnancy) worrying about another miscarriage, but I felt at least I was activly working towards my goal.

Whatever your next step I wish the best and I also want to say it is INCREDABLE what your husband’s boss is doing. If only the rest of us had such understanding employers.


#6

Thank you for sharing

As with everyone I am sorry for your lost. I had 2 m/c within 4 months due to fibroids and I never expected to react in the way I did. In particular, because we had no problems getting pg with our 4 and 5 y/o DD. The best thing for me was the antidepressants and a miscarriage support group. Now I just want this last baby to come and I will personally remove my own uterus.

I really have had to turn it over to my higher power. Everything always works out for me, just not when I want it to happen. I have no doubt we will have a baby with DE. I was able to collect my angels and we buried them under a new tree surrounded by mini hostas. I believe you and your DH will have to strength and the family you so desire. Chin up and don’t hesitate to seek out the support you need.