[I]Me 30 (normal)
DH 30 (low motility & 0% morphology after taking 1000mg of vitamin C&E daily… also the only one in the family to carry on his family genes)[/I]
[B]No healthcare coverage for fertility treatments[/B]
Normally I don’t share but my therapist strongly encouraged me to get on a miscarriage discussion board and share my experience.
We have been together for 10+ years but decided to wait to start a family until we could financially provide for them. 3 years ago we started trying and after a year found out we had MFI. Almost 6 months after we found out we got in to see a RE. He told us to we should try 3 rounds of IUIs, Of course the first round was unsuccessful but he had good counts (post wash: 15 million, 40% motility, still 0 morphology though). Then had to sit out a month due to cysts. RE increased my meds and I overproduced (6, 20+mm eggs) so the RE told us we had to “coast”. When it was time to do the IUI, DH’s counts were almost non-existent so RE recommended to cancel the IUI. He pulled us into his office and told us the IUIs weren’t going to work. The only way we would likely to conceive was ICSI. We were devastated because without insurance coverage this was not something we could afford. 4 weeks after we found out my brother announced he got his girlfriend pregnant and got fired from his job. I could not be happy for him, I was angry with him. Logically I knew it was crazy but I couldn’t help how I felt. It took me the next 5 months to come to terms with the fact that we would likely never have our own child. I was even planning a baby shower for my brother’s girlfriend. Then out of nowhere my DH and I got pregnant with no fertility treatments. My cycle that month was weird, I had spotting 7 days before missed period. So I was like what the heck and took a pregnancy test on CD 25 and it came back positive. I was over the moon. I wanted to celebrate but DH was cautious and didn’t want to accept it until the doctors said yes. At 4 weeks we went in for our first blood test, and it came back positive. They did have to provide me progesterone supplements as it was a little low. DH still cautious said I don’t want to celebrate until we get second beta back. Second beta came back and HCG levels rose 66%. The doctors said we are pregnant. Both of us were super excited. 4 days later we told our parents. Both were over the moon with us. From the very second I got my positive result, I took my daily prenatal vitamins, got my daily exercise, only drank water and I was even eating RAW avocado (because it’s suppose to be a really good source of folic acid). I was so happy I was already talking to my little bean and I KNEW the baby could not hear me. Then 5w4d I decided to take a pregnancy test because I LOVED seeing pregnant on the stick. Only this time it came back negative. I panicked and called the OBGYN. They had me in the next day and marked the HCG stat so I got the results back that same day. It was confirmed I was miscarrying. The levels were so low they thought it was best to let me miscarry naturally. That next morning I woke up to so much blood and cramping. My DH was by my side every second. Then I passed what appeared to be the gestational sac with lots of tissue. There was so much blood from what I am use to seeing on my menstrual cycle. I broke down, I couldn’t even flush the toilet. DH had to do it. I felt so bad for him. I still do. We lost the baby November 14th 2012. For the past 10 years we have been planning, last 3 actively trying for our little baby and now we are left heartbroken. DH has been great, he even was able to get back to work the following day. However, I am so depressed, I even quit my job (worked part time at retail store and freelance photographer) because I couldn’t handle seeing families together. I shop during the late hours to do my best to avoid seeing children. It took me a week to get out of bed. I am seeing a therapist, exercising daily, working on my photography, and I am going out to lunches with a friend who recently found out she couldn’t have children. It is nice to have someone to talk to but I still feel empty. I have a hard time sleeping because when I do I see so much blood. My grandmother past away this past week and for the first time I was forced to see my brother and his pregnant girlfriend. Everyone started cooing over her baby kicking and I couldn’t handle. I ran away to one of the bedrooms and broke down. DH came in with me as well as my sister and just laid with me. Next week I go in to see a psychiatrist to be put on antidepressants. Not so happy about that either because it makes me feel like even more of a failure. But I can’t deny any more that I need more help because I do want to have children, whether we can successfully do so with IVF or adoption. The baby only deserves a healthy mother and I do want to be that. DH’s (software developer) boss is giving him a one time bonus of 5-10k to help us do IVF or adoption. I want to do the IVF but I hear so many stories of IVF failures. How can I deal with another miscarry if it comes to that? The fear of miscarrying leads to adoption, but the regret of never trying leads me to IVF…