[quote=SassyGurl]Thanks for asking I would say that overall I’m doing well, though definitely still some ups and downs. But I think at this point, most of the downs aren’t specifically related to my loss anymore, but more the combination of the fact that I’m STILL ttc, and that I’m not pregnant. And recently my negative emotions have been more along anger or bitterness at the situation and at other people getting pregnant easily and maintaining their pregnancies, and less feelings of sadness at what could have been.
I actually realized just today how anger has been my overriding negative emotion lately, and thought that maybe it actually was due to some leftover processing of grief from my loss. So I looked up the 5 stages of loss, thinking anger would be near the end, but it’s actually one of the first stages! Grief comes later. Oh well, it was a good theory.
But all that being said, I’m also feeling very positive about my chances this month as I go for my next IUI in the next few days. For the first time of my 3 medicated IUIs I’ve got 2 large follicles instead of just 1, so I feel that my chances are twice as good as they were before. And before even with the 1 follicle, I was able to conceive both times (mc and chemical), so I feel like the IUI + clomid combo does work for me. And I’m hoping that with the extra follicle, even if one of the eggs gets fertilized but things don’t work out, hopefully the other one will be fine.
I do really want this month, or next month’s IUI to work as then I will be right before my original due date and I really want to be pregnant again by then. So I’m trying to take things one day at a time, but the fear of things not working is definitely in the back of my head.
I’m also preparing myself for some sadness over the holidays, as the Christmas time period was so tied in my mind to my first pregnancy as I should have been about to pop around that time. And that meant we couldn’t travel to see our families for the first time ever. So as that time approaches, while I’m very excited that we’ve still decided to stay put and start our own Christmas tradition, I’m also sad that I won’t be putting finishing touches on my nursery but could be contemplating doing IVF in the near year instead. But like I said, really trying to keep it one day at a time.
Hang in there, it’s not easy but this forum’s a great place to just vent and get things out.[/quote]
You know I do know exactly how you feel. I know that my stages so far have been, disbelief, sadness, anger, and then just out of it all together. I finally crawled up in the bed with my mother the other night and cried on her chest for the longest time. She stroked my hair and held me tight and rocked me like I was still a little baby. I have to say that I felt much better. She told me that time will heal my pain and that she doesn’t know what I am going through because she has never been through it, but she said I am her baby no matter how big I get or how old I am, and she does feel my pain. I know she does and I am so thankful that I do have my mother while I am going through this.
I pray that you get your BFP this month and that you get to go through this holiday season with the warmth of being pregnant. I know that we never have that fear leave us, but as we make it day by day and the babies are still growing and getting bigger it does give us hope. I know that has to be hard on you.
I am so glad you have 2 big follies this time! That is exciting! I feel the same way you do about getting pregnant so soon. If it happens in the next few weeks or month I will only be about a month away from my original due date. That would be the ultimate gift this holiday season!
We will all just have to stick together and each day we should post our feelings and help each other. On our good days we get to celebrate and on our bad days we can lift each other up. That is what makes this such a supportive place.