What direction to take


#1

hi, The story would be: Married for 4 years.4 years ttc. Male factor but seems we have immune issues also. No live birth. Husband wants boys first then girls.finally after 6 frozen girls, got 4 boys. Dont ask how many retrievals been through. Transfer should be next month. Now for the past 3 months, husband has been creating problems. Pessimistic we would succeed because of the previous failures. He even suggested to get divorced abd find people that dont have immune issues because he finds his factor already ro be a huge obstacle.he is in such a mood every week for a feq days and then ok. What made me angry today is something not related ro if. Namely, he has to take a look of every goodlooking woman, even in my presence. I told him rhis before several times but no use.today when I told him, he gotmad. He told me it is normal for a manto have a look at a beautiful woman. Also, according to him, im impolite and I insulted him. Rhen, he uses our treatment to disturb ne more. He said he prayed itwouldnt succeed. Like if I am now like this, how would I be later when the kids come. While walking in the street today hw told me “see, im looking. Talk ro me when you have a body like this”. I told him that the world was big enough and that he could look as much as hewanted.at rhe end, we willbe in front of God alone. I am a believer in God and do believe in karma. Now we are odficial with each other. I dont know if I should quit on this man. Im 34. We have those 10 embryos and it was a long way. I dont mind raising kids hy myself. Once I get them, I wouldnt even care whether to stay married to him or not.his family is also good to me. His sisters dont like his behaviour. Mumwas also good but she was an old and sick lady. Couldnt talk to her. She passed away recently. So, would you have any advice for me what direction to take. Are those 10 embryos a good reason to stay and try to get some kids out of them? Thank you.


#2

Your husband sounds like a bully. The kind of guy that makes me really dislike being a man. I don’t know the whole story, so I don’t think I have a right to be too judgmental, but a number of things about your story bother me. First, it sounds like he’s the one calling the shots when it comes to birth order. What part do you play? Is he coercing you to do things HIS way? And of course he’s a man so he [I]has [/I]to have his sons. Uggggh.

As for his wandering eyes, I can tell you that I (and the other men in my family) never, ever leer at women. I wouldn’t do it even if my wife wasn’t around. Even if no one could see me doing it. It would make me feel uncouth and low class if I did. That, and its tremendously disrespectful. Yes, it is a “natural” impulse, but so are a lot of OTHER things. Like the impulse to over-eat. Just because something “feels good” or “natural” doesn’t mean its good FOR you, though. If things that felt “natural” were always things that were good, there would be no need for such things as self-control or discipline, now would there? I think your husband’s behavior is a demonstration that he is lacking in both self control AND doesn’t find value in your comfort and happiness. If he had self-control, he wouldn’t be leering. If he valued your well being, he’d at least TRY not to desire women that aren’t you while you are together.

I would seriously consider taking HIS advice and use your best discretion to find a better mate. He doesn’t sound like a faithful man. If he’s dissatisfied with you and your appearance now at 34, he will only grow more dissatisfied with time. When it comes to infidelity, men are either faithful or they are cheaters. And they never change. Cheaters never reform, they can only be watched carefully. I’m a man, so I have the inside scoop on the things that such men say when their wives and girlfriends can’t hear them.

The way I see it, you have ALL of the negotiating power right now. I’d use it. You are still fairly young, so you could easily find another man that shares your values and have children without IVF. You’d probably be a fertile pair. I definitely would discourage you from raising children with a sub-par man, but I’d also discourage you from going the way of single motherhood ESPECIALLY if you don’t have the support of your mother. It’s easy to fantasize that single motherhood will be like some rosy Gilmore Girls episode, but it won’t be. It will be HARD. Your children will have a much, much higher likelihood of being disadvantaged in society. That’s just statistics. Selecting a new man by the criteria of mutual interests and compatibility as opposed to love and attraction would be preferably than just going it alone, because having a teammate now a days is incredibly important.

I would stash the embryos away for a rainy day and consider it as a means of preserving your fertility. Remember, the embryos you already have will remain good regardless of your age.

This probably sounds harsh, so just remember that I don’t know your situation that well. Good luck.


#3

Thank you Demian for your imput. Your wife is lucky to have found you.
I can’t keep the embryos in case of divorce neither can he.
To find a good man is not easy esp with so many playful ones. This is why I thought to get the kids and get this chapter over. I would dedicate myself to them, try to get them out to the right path and that is it.
I am aware of all what you said. I see how much I sacrifice and how much it is not appreciated. Also, I dont look bad at all. Im slim and average height, but that is not a point.
I think there will be a huge fight and whatever God gives.


#4

Wow. This is so over the top…

If this is honestly what is going on in your relationship, I say leave the a-hole now. If he is controlling enough to make you suffer repeated IVF cycles so that you could get boy embryos, do you really think he will let you leave with his son?


#5

This just sounds terrible. I would not want to raise children with this man (or have children who would be subjected to his horrible behavior). Is it at all possible to donate the embryos to someone else? You will be able to move on, find someone much better, and have a family without being subjected to this kind of torture.


#6

Thank you and the others for sincere advice. I have something that I started with him and 2.5 years are left to complete it (im on half way). It would secure me for later on in all the aspects. So if I walked away now, I will lose all what I have invested. I dont want that. If I get kids with him in the meantime, maybe the things will calm down although I dont think so. But at least I will direct my energy toward them and wouldn’t care about him. I can always move out (it’s his house) with the kids in case he becomes worse. He wouldnt take them away from me because he knows they will be psycologically ruined. He was taken from his mum when he was 7 and until this day he speaks how it affected him negatively. Thank God I am a strong person and educated. I dont depend on him financially.
To donate the embryos is not an option. I wouldnt bare the fact my kids are growing somewhere out. That would be more difficult for me than this situation.
I hope something good will come out of this. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle and for sure there is a punishment for those who deserve it.


#7

Based solely on the information you provided…I think if your husband wants to go, you should let him. A baby will not calm this situation down. Men leave the women who bore their children everyday. Besides he seems like an ass hole…imagine how he’ll treat your children. No way. Lastly I think he’s cheating in you now or he’s on his way to cheat on you soon, whether or not you do have his children. Great example he’ll be for your sons. I used to worry about finding someone also. You and I are the same age and sounds like I had a situation similar to yours a few years ago. But I had to make a conscious effort to stop wasting my time with ass holes because at the end if the day I wanted to be treated well, and I deserved it. And God put a wonderful man in my life shortly thereafter. There are not a lot of good guys out there, but as my life is proof, there are some out there.


#8

I guess the embryos being stuck in limbo would complicate things even more. I wonder, though, whether it would still be better to simply cut your losses. I know you said that there aren’t many good men out there to find, but I’m going to have to disagree with you very strongly on that note. There are SCORES of good men out there. It’s really just a matter of where you are looking. I know a lot of women who lament the apparent shortage of “good men,” but it turns out that the pool of men they consider eligible are limited to the kind that drive sports cars and work out at the gym 5 nights a week.

If you look in the right places, there are many, many kind and gentle men available that would make exceptional, patient fathers. They just aren’t the same men who try hard to attract women (and therefore, women frequently don’t find them attractive until they’ve made mistakes with the wrong kind of guys). If you want a nice man who will be a good father and faithful husband, demographic statistics on the matter seem to suggest that the computer geek type or the intellectual academic is your best bet. In other words, the kind of people who make for incredibly dull dates. But believe me, they are VERY abundant and if your ultimate interest is truly the welfare of your future children, that’s the way to go. Sure, it may not be sexy that they can speak Klingon or find oyster genetics stupendously interesting, but that’s a small price to pay.

Also, I know a lot of people are adamantly against online dating, but if you want to find a serious man, its hands down the best resource to turn to. Why? Because its efficient. Hoping to randomly meet people in your daily life is a really bad way to find Mr. Right. With online dating, you can define the kind of criteria that you are looking for. You can easily exclude the men who are just in it for one night stands and focus on the ones that are interested in settling down. I’ve seen a tremendous number of successful relationships form in this way. You don’t have to waste time dating people just to get basic information about who they are. Honestly, great marriages don’t happen by luck or accident. My marriage with my wife is wonderful because we’re two people who have taken measures to define in their minds exactly what they want.

But I suppose I’m getting WAY ahead of myself, aren’t I?