What do I do now?


#1

Hey ladies,

So im at the tail end of my 2ww of a failed IVF. This is my second attempt, and last. We can’t afford to do this again.
Now I’m stuggling with what do I do now? I am having trouble accepting I’ll never be a mother, and worst of all…because of my fertility issues, my husband will never be a father. I’ll never call my mom and yell “I’m pregnant!” and now when people ask if I have children, instead of saying “we’re trying!”…i’ll so, “no, i can’t have kids!!!” How aweful does that sound?? Its seems like each day now my goal is just to NOT cry…will this go away??
What do I do now??? I never fathamed this wouldn’t work, i’m so sad/mad I don’t know what to do…

Is there anyone else in this situation???


#2

[quote=stefanieleigh81]Hey ladies,

So im at the tail end of my 2ww of a failed IVF. This is my second attempt, and last. We can’t afford to do this again.
Now I’m stuggling with what do I do now? I am having trouble accepting I’ll never be a mother, and worst of all…because of my fertility issues, my husband will never be a father. I’ll never call my mom and yell “I’m pregnant!” and now when people ask if I have children, instead of saying “we’re trying!”…i’ll so, “no, i can’t have kids!!!” How aweful does that sound?? Its seems like each day now my goal is just to NOT cry…will this go away??
What do I do now??? I never fathamed this wouldn’t work, i’m so sad/mad I don’t know what to do…

Is there anyone else in this situation???[/quote]

:grouphug:
I have no words, except try not to give up hope!


#3

:grouphug: :grouphug:

I agree, try not to give up! :cross: :cross: :cross: :pray: :pray: you will be a mom soon.


#4

Stephanie. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. As you can see from my signature, I’ve been through 5 failed ivf cycles and am now blessed with a spontaneous pregnancy that I pray will continue. It IS POSSIBLE to beat the odds. We took matters into our own hands, consulted with doctors across the country, not settling for ones just in our area. I did tons of research every day and scoured these forums to learn so much from all these strong women. What made the difference…I’m not sure…I started listening to a women named Abraham Hicks on how to let fate take you where it knows you should go (I laughed at first…but after listening to the cd with DH 20 times…I now have her in my head and it helps so much. You can find her cd’s online), I started a low dose thyroid medication even though my levels were within range (but the endocrinologist I saw thinks outside the box and decided to put me on a trial due to our infertility issues…no other doctor would suggest this b/c my test were within range…but the problem with a range is that not everyone works well just within a range…maybe you are better in the middle or at one of the ends of the range) and I started taking many supplements now recommended by CCRM and SIRM. All this must have made the difference.

If it were me…I would take at LEAST the next 3 months to try the supplements (that’s the minimum amount of time you need to be on them to get benefits) and take that time to heal yourself and save some money if you’d like to cycle again. Mini ivf is also less expensive as well, so that might be an option.

:grouphug: and :pray: for your success. I know how arduous this journey can be.


#5

I gave up for awhile too. But, I urge you not too. There are grants. There are research studies. There are so many possibilities out there. You never know what kind of financial things might come your way, and I know this sounds bad, but you are YOUNG. Your chances remain excellent through age 35, that is several years to save up. Some people I have seen have pushed IVF off and done fundraisers. We had given up, and our inlaws offered to pay for us to try again. Who knew? My RE also was so convinced we could get pregnant, he offered us to “pay it off over the rest of our lives” if we tried again.

There is also the option of donor embryos, which is a lot less expensive. Only about $3500 usually. A lot easier to save up for.

It may not be as you originally envisioned it, but there are possibilities out there.
:grouphug: :grouphug:


#6

stefanieleigh81-I’m so sorry for what you are going thru. Please don’t give up. You are still young. You have options. i almost gave up after my last failed IVF(3rd). I then had my right tube removed. Currently on my 4th IVF and I know it’s going to be :bfn: . I say I’m going to give up now. I know better I won’t. Talk to your doctor you will be surprised they might have a study for you. They did for me this last time. You can’t give up hope. My thoughts and :pray: are with you. Keep your head up but also give your mind and body a little break. Good Luck.


#7

Don’t give up!

Your post made me want to cry, Stephanie! I feel guilty sometimes even posting on this forum because there are so many strong women here who have been through hell, and I have 2 kids already and have only done this once! But you are allowed to feel anger and sadness at the fact that having a family isn’t coming as easily to you as you thought, and as easy as it should be. I have learned that there is a tremendous amount of sadness and frustration in the IF world and it makes me so mad. BUT, there is hope and you have every reason to feel optimistic. As others have said, you have age going for you, and that gives you time. Look into the grants and studies out there. My husband always says, “Money can be made”, so even if you are paying loans back forever, it won’t matter when you have a child. If having a biological child doesn’t happen for you, or happen right away, there are adoption programs and financing out there, fostering to adopt, etc. Bottom line - do not give up!!! I have felt hopeless before myself and have found that having a plan to attack that with action is the best way to handle it. You can do it!!!


#8

thanks so much for the support…i really REALLY appreciate it. i feel a little lost, i never fathamed this wouldn’t work…and now i don’t know what to do. my husband and i are just regular working folks, we pulled from our retirement, borrowed from the parents and worked overtime to pay for the 2 cycles we did…and that was a shared risk program. I don’t know if we could do that again. i feel aweful for taking money from my mother-in-law for this and not giving her the grandchild she wants so bad.
i have so much respect for the ladies who have done IVF so many more times than me, you are so much stronger than i am!!! just these 2 cycles have been so emotional for me and i don’t know how to cope with that.
i guess now i am just at that cross roads of…do we save up for another 2 yrs and do IVF again…or do we look at adoption…which is no party either. i know both or worth the heartache for the end result…but when do you say enough is enough?

for those of you who have been there, how did you choose which to do?? do the hopelessness go away??


#9

I too, have had 2 failed cycles. I totally understand what you are going through. I just thought it would work, and it didn’t. What we are doing now is taking classes to get a foster care license. It takes a while and I don’t know how it will turn out, but it gives us something to focus on. Our plan is to foster and then adopt. We paid out of pocket also, and are still recovering financially, so adoption through a private agency is out of the question right now. This is definitely not how I pictured things working out for us, but we did plan on adopting after having our own. It still sucks though, and I think we have the right to feel that way.


#10

Oh I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. I know exactly how you feel. I’m 37 and we just did our first IVF after two years of saving. It is so expensive and it feels so very all or nothing. I decided before we did it that if it didn’t work, I would take some time to mourn and then get serious about adoption.

This might sound a little crazy, but have you considered doing a cycle in a different country? The cost is so much lower! I live in Brazil (I’m American, Dh is Brazilian, we moved here 5 years ago largely to try to sort out our fertility issues because our insurance was so terrible in the US and we knew we couldn’t afford to do anything there.) I got sidetracked for about a year and a half with another health issue, and then we went through all the tests, 3 rounds of Clomid followed by 3 rounds of IUI with injectibles (all BFN’s). We were trying everything not to have to pay for IVF!

But we ended up going for it and the cost was only $7,000 USD for IVF with ICSI (the ICSI is actually standard, they do it for all). Of course if feels more like $15,000 in our pockets because we have less earning power and our currency is worth less. But on the US dollar it’s not too steep. I was delighted with the level of care that I received. Bedside manner has been so terrific (that was huge for me because some of the clinics in the US seem so impersonal), all of the equipment has been completely modern - most imported from the US. Totally top notch and I’ve even had access to some medications that are not on the market in the US, (like lorelin and utrogestan) and they did snap freezing, as well. It was a great experience. (I’m cautiously excited with my first BFP, but it’s still very early and anything can happen…:cross:)

There are many countries like that offer the same quality of service for a lot less. (South Africa, India, countries in Europe and South America…) You could make a fantastic vacation out of it! And you’ve still got a lot of time - you’re young! Hang in there, take some time to breathe. The answer will find you. Somehow, some way, you will be a great mother someday. Even greater for all that you have been through.

Sending you lots of hugs

:grouphug:


#11

I am so sorry you’re going through this. Just devastating…

You know, I would not give up yet. There are many women who don’t become first time moms until their mid-late 30s. I’m one of them and it was NOT my plan. If all had gone how I wanted it I would have been a mom by the time I was 31! But, alas infertility changed that and I became a first time mom at age 38.

Start saving $ again. Set a goal that in…say 1-2 years time (longer if need) you’ll start again. Keep your eye on that goal and please don’t lose hope. You WILL be a mom one day. hugs


#12

I’m really sorry it didn’t work out this time. I agree with the other posters…don’t give up. Research the best clinics in the country and take some time to save for it. In the meantime distract yourself. Pamper yourself and have fun. Don’t think about infertility at all. I know it’s easier said than done, but you are young and have time to think things out. Hugs!


#13

Stefanie-
Your post brought tears to my eyes because I can completely understand how frustrated and hopeless you must feel. I knew we had fertility problems back in '05 and went through all the testing and they could never find anything wrong. Problem was we didn’t have the money to pursue treatment as our insurance didn’t cover it. I felt really helpless not doing anything for so long. In 2009 I found a clinical trial (New Hope) which gave us the opportunity for free IVF. My husband and I were thrilled but unfortunately it didn’t work. I was devastated and knew that we could not afford IVF as I was starting my own business and my husband had been laid off. We had to borrow from our parents to save our home so asking them for $ for IVF was just totally out of the question.

And then by some miracle my husband got a job. We later found out that his insurance covered infertility treatment. I can’t even begin to tell you the burden that was lifted from my shoulders just knowing that money was not going to be the reason we would not be parents. There is a part of me that thinks that maybe because I did not have THAT financial stress my 2nd IVF worked.

There have been so many great suggestions here by previous posters. It looks like you absolutely need IVF though because your issue is tubal? I would say definitely look into clinical trials, consider mini-IVF which is cheaper, and if you are willing to switch jobs it may be worth looking into companies that have insurance that covers infertility. Also, donor embryos are a less expensive option if you are emotionally okay with making that move.

Like others have said, you do have age on your side. I know you don’t want to hear that being in the boat you’re in but I schlepped around so long age got to be a factor for me so I consider myself extremely lucky! Research, research, research your options and then come up with a plan. I think not having any plan is the absolute worst feeling. Hang in there; this board is a great resource! :grouphug:


#14

Stephanie, I am So sory your ivf didnt work this time, alot of us have been where you are now, but you have to keep going. You are still young enough to try again in a year or 2 or 3 or 4! I am 38 & am now pregnant for the 1st time.

I agree with some of the other posters here, look into a shared risk program, some states (like mine, NY) give state grants for ivf assistance, almost certainly get a second opinion on why this one didnt work out, even if you like & trust your RE now, get another opinion on it.
I wish you the best! :flower:
Lucy


#15

Stephanie, I am one of those people that has been through it all. I have done 7 fresh and 2 frozen cycles. I am currently 22 weeks pregnant with a miracle baby. I have been called every dirty infertility name in the book and have been fired by 3 doctors. My last doctor was out of state and was a the first person to treat me as an entire person, not just a run of the mill infertile.

My advice to you is this…take some time to heal, but keep your chin up and your eye on the prize. Research! Be your own advocate. There are so many grants and studies out there.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!


#16

SharonB

I sent you a private message.


#17

Stephanie-I know there is nothing I can say, and I have not been through what you have been through, but I can offer my prayers. Have hope–this is not the end!


#18

I can not answer when enough is enough?? That is up to the individual person.

I agree, there are grants and programs out there and I’d try to look into those before you give up. :grouphug:

I have tubal factor as well and IVF was the only way for me to get pregnant.

I’m 42 years old and I’ve done 5 IVF’s and 2 FET’s. My last 2 cycles back to back ended in negative and I’m currently pg. with twins.

Dh and I also started TTC our first child from 1995-2003 and born 2004. :eek: TTC our 2nd and 3rd child from 2006-2010.

We didn’t have the money either and only did a cycle once a year when tax money came in, during our last 3 cycles we were almost to the point of saving $ without having to use tax money.

It’s hard and I wish we ALL didn’t have to pay a lot of $ for IVF or :grr: :grr: adoption! I have a friend that wiped out $20,000 for adoption (it was her dh’s dream to open up a business) almost 1 year ago in December and (so far) they do not have a child even though the agency had them put together a baby’s room for their portfolio. Sad and I only wish them to be parents. They are really good people

I’ve subscribed to your thread too keep up with you. :grouphug: :cross: :pray: