Oh I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. I know exactly how you feel. I’m 37 and we just did our first IVF after two years of saving. It is so expensive and it feels so very all or nothing. I decided before we did it that if it didn’t work, I would take some time to mourn and then get serious about adoption.
This might sound a little crazy, but have you considered doing a cycle in a different country? The cost is so much lower! I live in Brazil (I’m American, Dh is Brazilian, we moved here 5 years ago largely to try to sort out our fertility issues because our insurance was so terrible in the US and we knew we couldn’t afford to do anything there.) I got sidetracked for about a year and a half with another health issue, and then we went through all the tests, 3 rounds of Clomid followed by 3 rounds of IUI with injectibles (all BFN’s). We were trying everything not to have to pay for IVF!
But we ended up going for it and the cost was only $7,000 USD for IVF with ICSI (the ICSI is actually standard, they do it for all). Of course if feels more like $15,000 in our pockets because we have less earning power and our currency is worth less. But on the US dollar it’s not too steep. I was delighted with the level of care that I received. Bedside manner has been so terrific (that was huge for me because some of the clinics in the US seem so impersonal), all of the equipment has been completely modern - most imported from the US. Totally top notch and I’ve even had access to some medications that are not on the market in the US, (like lorelin and utrogestan) and they did snap freezing, as well. It was a great experience. (I’m cautiously excited with my first BFP, but it’s still very early and anything can happen…)
There are many countries like that offer the same quality of service for a lot less. (South Africa, India, countries in Europe and South America…) You could make a fantastic vacation out of it! And you’ve still got a lot of time - you’re young! Hang in there, take some time to breathe. The answer will find you. Somehow, some way, you will be a great mother someday. Even greater for all that you have been through.
Sending you lots of hugs