What if I don’t want to adopt?


#1

Why do people tell me “you can always adopt”??? I am so sick of feeling like ok well I want to share that I am having fertility problems and that’s the first thing out of people’s mouths!!! Imma need you to just be supportive and not try to fix my problems. It’s bad enough that you don’t understand nor know the entire story, then for you to try to solve my problem by saying stupid ish to me really makes me angry. :af:

What if I don’t want to adopt? What if I’m not even thinking adoption because I haven’t given up on myself yet? You have just made me feel worse about my whole situation when all I wanted was support from you. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I DON’T TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT THIS. People wonder why infertility is something that isn’t widely talked about…hmmm I have a few reasons right here. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!


#2

I figured I could always adopt if I never managed to get pregnant. Turns out, adoption isn’t all that easy. Or affordable.

In any event, people just don’t know what they’re talking about and don’t know what to say, and so they say what they think is helpful, even though it almost always is the exactly wrong thing to say to someone as emotionally fragile on the topic of babies as we are!


#3

Thanks hun. Yep, you’re right, they have no idea. I have a friend who recently just went through all of the stuff to be able to be a foster parent. That was a lot of stuff she had to do. I was like wow, I could only imagine what adoption would be like. But still, it’s not something I am considering right now. I just wish people could understand more, it’s not about wanting a child, it’s about wanting my child.


#4

When people tell me “You could always adopt” I want to ask them for the [B]20 grand[/B] it would take to get a baby that resembles me and dh (white).
I’m sure they would just respond with “well kids are expensive any way”.

Shoot me :grr:


#5

I know that’s right. Are you guys an interracial couple?


#6

I completley agree with you. I love the idea of providing a home for a child that doesn’t have one BUT adoption can be a very long process with potentially lots of heartache and heartbreaks. Also, it can cost a lot of money. Often more than an IVF treatment. People just don’t understand the big picture and are often trying to say things that comfort but actually hurt. That is why I try and correct people when them make assumptions like this. I think it’s helpful to educate them that this is not necessarily a helpful thing to say to someone in this situation.


#7

LOL this is my favorite comment too (sarcasm!!). It’s super annoying. It seems like everyone’s solutions to infertility are always “Why don’t you just ____”. I always give them a funny look and then explain to them why we can’t JUST anything. I’m sure they love it :wink:


#8

I have a co-worker who also went through IF. She had a great reply. She would say “I’m not adopting for the same reason you are not.” That usually made them realize that adoption is not a simple fix, and most people would want to do everything in their power to try to have a biological child first.

An adopted child does not replace a biological child, any more than someone who conceives after a pregnancy loss views their new baby as a replacement for the one lost. Choosing to stop IF treatments and pursue adoption IS a form of grief. You are letting go of the “dream” child you have envisioned for yourself, who will be the perfect blend of yours and your spouse or partner’s best qualities. Grief for the experience of finding out that you a pregnant, telling your family and seeing the excitement in their eyes, hearing your baby’s heartbeat on ultrasound, feeling your baby grow and kick inside of you, giving birth, and identifying traits of yourself and your spouse or partner in your child as he/she grows up.

Fertiles just don’t get it.


#9

[quote=EdnCy]I have a co-worker who also went through IF. She had a great reply. She would say “I’m not adopting for the same reason you are not.” That usually made them realize that adoption is not a simple fix, and most people would want to do everything in their power to try to have a biological child first.

An adopted child does not replace a biological child, any more than someone who conceives after a pregnancy loss views their new baby as a replacement for the one lost. Choosing to stop IF treatments and pursue adoption IS a form of grief. You are letting go of the “dream” child you have envisioned for yourself, who will be the perfect blend of yours and your spouse or partner’s best qualities. Grief for the experience of finding out that you a pregnant, telling your family and seeing the excitement in their eyes, hearing your baby’s heartbeat on ultrasound, feeling your baby grow and kick inside of you, giving birth, and identifying traits of yourself and your spouse or partner in your child as he/she grows up.

Fertiles just don’t get it.[/quote]

WOW :grr:
Im pretty sure I didnt grieve ONE BIT while holding my newborn Adopted son in my arms hours after he was born. pretty sure i was crying tears of joy wondering how i was so blessed for this baby to be mine all mine. Adoption is NOT second best …


#10

There are a lot of things that people just have their pat answer for when they just don’t know (or sometimes care) enough about something.
If you say you’re working with kids with learning disabilities everybody says: “Oh that must be so rewarding.”

If you say you can’t get pregnant, they say: “You can always adopt.” They see celebrities who seem to adopt one a week.

Not to defend them–but lots of people say a lot worse than the adoption thing, so while it’s extremely annoying and frustrating, theren are a lot dumber and more thoughtless (let alone hurtful) responses out there.


#11

[QUOTE=laydlyke]Thanks hun. Yep, you’re right, they have no idea. I have a friend who recently just went through all of the stuff to be able to be a foster parent. That was a lot of stuff she had to do. I was like wow, I could only imagine what adoption would be like. But still, it’s not something I am considering right now. I just wish people could understand more, it’s not about wanting a child, it’s about wanting my child.[/QUOTE]

Exactly! So well said! I feel I’d be more likely to adopt a 2nd child if I could just have even one of my own. People are so ignorant sometimes though I know it’s just that they have no way of understanding really.