Wondering if I should give up a friendship?


#1

Hi - I keep struggling with this issue and thought someone might have experience with this or been through something similar. I got married about 6 months before a friend did, and we talked early on about how DH and I were trying, etc. Well at her wedding she pulled me aside to say she wanted me to be one of the first to know that she was already pregnant and how they weren’t even trying, and “could I believe it, they weren’t even trying!” I was happy for her but also felt hurt and a bit weird at how she delivered the news (the “we weren’t even trying” over and over!) considering she knew we’d been trying for months, but thought, well, I’m just being bitter b/c of what I’m going through, let it go.

Anyway, I finally told her recently that I had to have my fallopian tubes removed due to endo, and the day of my surgery she left me a long message telling me how crazy and hard it’s been for her to be pregnant, and how scary it is - that’s what the whole message was about and that’s the first msg I had when I woke up from surgery. She’s always been a tad on the self-focused side, but with lots of good qualities that made up for it. But this took the cake.

I have lots of friends who are pregnant but with this one, I just feel so resentful. Am I just being sensitive because of the emotional rollercoaster we’re going through? Or should I just accept that maybe she’s not such a great friend? Now that she’s had her baby I just don’t feel comfortable making a fuss. My emotions are so all over the place that I just don’t know.

Thanks for listening!


#2

[quote=jodiwrites]Hi - I keep struggling with this issue and thought someone might have experience with this or been through something similar. I got married about 6 months before a friend did, and we talked early on about how DH and I were trying, etc. Well at her wedding she pulled me aside to say she wanted me to be one of the first to know that she was already pregnant and how they weren’t even trying, and “could I believe it, they weren’t even trying!” I was happy for her but also felt hurt and a bit weird at how she delivered the news (the “we weren’t even trying” over and over!) considering she knew we’d been trying for months, but thought, well, I’m just being bitter b/c of what I’m going through, let it go.

Anyway, I finally told her recently that I had to have my fallopian tubes removed due to endo, and the day of my surgery she left me a long message telling me how crazy and hard it’s been for her to be pregnant, and how scary it is - that’s what the whole message was about and that’s the first msg I had when I woke up from surgery. She’s always been a tad on the self-focused side, but with lots of good qualities that made up for it. But this took the cake.

I have lots of friends who are pregnant but with this one, I just feel so resentful. Am I just being sensitive because of the emotional rollercoaster we’re going through? Or should I just accept that maybe she’s not such a great friend? Now that she’s had her baby I just don’t feel comfortable making a fuss. My emotions are so all over the place that I just don’t know.

Thanks for listening![/quote]

What your describing is very common. I looked at my friends differently as a got deeper and deeper into treatment. I couldn’t share the way I used to. I became more and more sensitive. I also found out about limits I never knew I had. I, too, had a friend who was a bit self absorbed and I just overlooked it. We had good times and she had a lot of other good qualities. But when I started treatments, I felt no desire whatsoever to reach out to her. I felt so different from the easygoing person I was before.

If you want, you could tell her that it is hard to listen to anyone talk about pregnancy right now because of what you are going through. And if she’s a good friend, she’ll respect that.

Or you could just limit your time with her and seek support elsewhere.

Do whatever it takes that helps through this temporary and very difficult time in your life.


#3

I think it is a little of both (her being self absorbed and you maybe a little sensitive, though I believe your sensitivity is totally normal given that infertility is hard). I think that often it is overlooked that being pregnant and having a baby is the most significant thing in ones life up to that point in their life and potentially for the remainder of their lives and thus those that are in the middle of that event in their life are just at a different place and discuss it because it is on their minds first and foremost because it is just such a different experience than they have ever had before.

So having said that–I think she is in one place in her life and you are in another and thus it is difficult to have a meeting of the minds. I do think she was insensitive to kind’ve ignore your issues and the fact that you were having surgery and just went on about her own challenges. Probably not the best friend since she really isn’t supporting you, but rather chose to discuss her own challenges in the midst of you having your own. I don’t know that I would sever ties with this friend all together, but I would certainly limit the information shared with her and not expect any support since she seems to be asking for your support rather than sharing support.

I have found that there are many more parasitic friends out there than those that will be supportive and it sounds like she may be one that suck support from you, but doesn’t return any. However, it also could just be that she has no way of understanding your position since she has never been there and since it was too easy for her to get pregnant and she may feel that sharing her misery will make you feel better about not having a baby. It is ridiculous, but many think that way sadly because they just don’t get it.

So my recommendation is to surround yourself with people who are more sensitive and more supportive and even some who are in similar position as you are or who have been as those are really what you need right now.

Don’t blame her for not getting where you are coming from and for being in a different place in her life as you, but you also don’t have to associate with her as much either if the friendship isn’t edifying to you.

Hope all that made sense and something helps! :flower:


#4

Thanks guys, this really helps. It helps to think of it in terms of “this isn’t someone I can turn to or that I need to be close with right now” but not necessarily a friendship killer in the long run. Infertility really has changed the way I look at some friendships. Some people have been so thoughtful and others not so much. It’s so crazy to me how some people react! I guess everyone’s foibles get magnified when you’re going through something like this. Well, anyway, thanks so much for your advice.


#5

My BFF and I started TTC at the same time, she conceived on her second try and went on and on about “I was barely paying attention to my cycle” as I was using OPKs with no avail. She finally shut up about her quick conception when I finally told her about our fertility issues, until earlier this year when she told me that her friend who had told her it would take 6 months to conceive also conceived on her first try. I was so annoyed that she would flaunt the fertility of others in front of me. I decided not to discuss any fertility related issues unless she asks and every time we talk, I either hope she doesn’t bring it up, or I have a prepared one line answer. It’s really hard, but I hope you can find a way to work through it!