You have that infertile look about you


#1

My husband and I made the huge mistake of waiting to have children. I think I was afraid that I would have the some infertility issues as my sister and my cousin did (PCOD). After a year of waiting to get my period, once I got off the pill, I saw a gyno who without even touching me said that I just looked like I have PCOD! I just have an infertile look about me? Are you kidding me!!! I immediately stopped seeing her and just tried the old fashioned way. We decided not to put too much stress on ourselves and take the very regretful, whatever happens happens approach. God we were so stupid.:grr:
Finally, after a year with another doctor I got my period. They kept telling me that I had to wait until I got my period before they could do any testing. They gave my drugs to help me start my period but they didn’t work.
In May of 2012, we began getting tested. My husband was fine… of course. Part of me didn’t want him to get tested because I didn’t want him to resent me if I couldn’t give him children. I now feel like maybe he does.
I had a blood test done to see if I ovulated the previous month and to my heartbreak, I had not. I cried for a few days, then dusted myself off and planned to have this handled right after my friends wedding in July (which was 2 weeks away). Only a few days later I got attacked at work my one of my clients. I sustained massive bruising to my arms and neck and a herniated disc between my c5 and c6.
This has been the worst year of my life.
It has been nothing but doctor appointments, workman’s comp red tape, rate your pain level questions, spinal injections, physical therapy (and more) and eventually surgery. It is now July 2013 and I can’t help but cry when I think of all the time I lost. All of my friends are pregnant. I swear its like something was in the water and I just didn’t drink it that day. I have had to plan baby shower after baby shower. In the last month I had to help 2 friends register at Babies R Us. I’m attending 3 showers in three months. One of which is my eldest nephews…I’m going to be a great-aunt before I am a mother.
My doctor keeps planning appointments around my period and his schedule, which means that I can’t get in for treatment until the end of July.
I feel like there is nobody that I can talk to.
My best friend claims that I can talk to her about it but I can’t. She openly flaunts her pregnancy at me and giggles and says “belly bump” as she bumps my other pregnant friends. I want to be happy for her but all I feel is heartbreak. I thought I would feel jealousy, but strangely I don’t…heartbroken is the only word to describe what I feel. This is made even worse by the fact that she claims that I “never even tried” (she knows I was doing the reading and tried for over 2 years) and then she got pregnant the very first month that she tried. :af:
At family functions the question of why we don’t have children either never seems to stop, or we are ignored entirely. I feel like I should just wear a sign that says “forgive me I’m baron”.
I just feel like I’ve been through too much already and the real fight is still just beginning. How to I keep my hopes alive, avoid killing my friends and stay positive for my husband?

Thanks for letting me rant. I’ve never posted on a support site before and I probably should have long ago.
-S


#2

People don’t understand. They say they do, they say you can talk to them, BUT they don’t understand. Until you have walked this path you cannot even begin to fathom the heartbreak, stress, and wear on your relationship it causes.

My husband and I tried for YEARS. We tried on our own, we tried clomid, we tried, we tried, we tried. With every new pregnancy in the family it got harder. My friends always seemed to be having babies. And you are right, jealousy doesn’t seem to cover it, it’s heartbreaking.

For me I always knew we would have to at least try IVF before I could move on. It took a long time to convince my husband of that and a long time for us to get the money to do it. I wish we could have done it sooner, but we couldn’t and if we had I wouldn’t have these two lovebugs I have been blessed with.

Staying positive…well that is hard. Somedays are easier than others. Other days you want to punch everybody in the face. Other days you want to cry and cry. For me, I think I eventually became numb. A friend would tell me they were expecting and I would smile, say a few words, and go about my business.

Talk to your husband about your fears. Lean on him. Maybe he is scared to? Hold onto each other. This is wild ride and you will need to support each other.

Also, post on here if you need to. I was scared at first but everybody here is kind and supportive. Having support is very important!


#3

[quote=cinderellaseviltwin]People don’t understand. They say they do, they say you can talk to them, BUT they don’t understand. Until you have walked this path you cannot even begin to fathom the heartbreak, stress, and wear on your relationship it causes.

My husband and I tried for YEARS. We tried on our own, we tried clomid, we tried, we tried, we tried. With every new pregnancy in the family it got harder. My friends always seemed to be having babies. And you are right, jealousy doesn’t seem to cover it, it’s heartbreaking.

For me I always knew we would have to at least try IVF before I could move on. It took a long time to convince my husband of that and a long time for us to get the money to do it. I wish we could have done it sooner, but we couldn’t and if we had I wouldn’t have these two lovebugs I have been blessed with.

Staying positive…well that is hard. Somedays are easier than others. Other days you want to punch everybody in the face. Other days you want to cry and cry. For me, I think I eventually became numb. A friend would tell me they were expecting and I would smile, say a few words, and go about my business.

Talk to your husband about your fears. Lean on him. Maybe he is scared to? Hold onto each other. This is wild ride and you will need to support each other.

Also, post on here if you need to. I was scared at first but everybody here is kind and supportive. Having support is very important![/quote]
Thank You I needed to hear that


#4

I just told my husband that I joined an online support group and that my friends are making me nuts. He told me that a friend of his asked if he should stop talking about his kids around us? I appreciate that he is trying to be sensitive but he is a stay-at-home dad and his kids are his life. I don’t want him to feel like he can’t talk about them.
Sometimes I think if I was a better person things would be different. I’m not religious but maybe I should be? Then I think that I’m just being silly.
My cousin went through a 12 year process of trying to get pregnant. It ruined her marriage. She finally has a daughter but I’m sorry to say she is autistic. Its a fear that every parent I’m sure has; having a child who is healthy…but I am really afraid. I work with adults who have developmental and behavioral disabilities and I see what really goes on with them and their families. I am afraid that if I have all these treatments its going make my baby sick. I also have mental retardation on my husbands side and spinal bifida on my mothers.
I want to confide in my cousin but I am not that close with her and I don’t know if I can trust her to not tell everyone.
What should I do?


#5

Wow I couldn’t have found this thread at a more perfect time. I am completely miserable today. I feel so alone we have been ttc for 4 years in August I kept putting off treatment hoping it will just happen. for 3 of those years I had 2 insurances so if I wanted treatment I wouldn’t have had to pay hardly anything out of pocket now I am down to 1 and that one will no longer cover infertility starting the first of the year so I get 1 iui and 1 ivf and I woke up this morning knowing the iui has failed after charting my period for 4 years I know deep down that my period is around the corner. I have been an emotional wreck to make things worse my husband is never home he is in 2 bands plus he works full time and of course today when I need him he is gone. I just can’t take this infertility stuff anymore it makes me feel less of a woman and truthfully its embarrassing I am sick of hearing people ask us when we are going to have kids. I am a religious person and today I am really questioning it. why is this happening to me, what have I done to deserve this. I really am losing faith especially with this failed iui I only have one more chance with the IVF and if that doesn’t work we are done. we cant afford anything more except maybe going a natural route. thanks for being here today!


#6

Let me guess you want your husband home but are afraid that if he is you and the stress of the situation will smother him? My husband plays volleyball during the week and then stares at his xbox. I really regret buying it for him sometimes. I haven’t been down the treatment road you have but I can relate to the relationship issues you have. A lot of pressure is put on women these days to simply be everything to everyone. I want to feel supported too, but then we try to ask for it and I get accused of being negative by my husband. So I try to make it our time together that much nicer and chalk-loaded with special time effort…and they don’t notice. Like the pile of dirty dishes; they just don’t seem to see us.


#7

[SIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Hello ladies. I just wanted to chime in and say you are never alone. There are a ton of knowledgeable women on this site that would be willing to listen to you or give feedback. Don’t be afraid to seek out an RE in your local town and obtain information about your fertility. Infertility sucks but there is always a cure to everything. The road may not be easy but it will be very rewarding. Your marriage will take a toll but it will also make you stronger as a couple and individual. Don’t lose hope; and whenever you feel lost or lonely visit the site for guidance & support. Chin up & Best wishes!:grouphug: [/FONT][/SIZE]


#8

[QUOTE=Schwanhilda10751]Let me guess you want your husband home but are afraid that if he is you and the stress of the situation will smother him? My husband plays volleyball during the week and then stares at his xbox. I really regret buying it for him sometimes. I haven’t been down the treatment road you have but I can relate to the relationship issues you have. A lot of pressure is put on women these days to simply be everything to everyone. I want to feel supported too, but then we try to ask for it and I get accused of being negative by my husband. So I try to make it our time together that much nicer and chalk-loaded with special time effort…and they don’t notice. Like the pile of dirty dishes; they just don’t seem to see us.[/QUOTE]

You just explained my life!!


#9

After three failed adoptions (one after having the baby with us for eight days in our home) and now venturing into IVF soon, I also understand that feeling that nobody else seems to “get it”. I still avoid baby showers, steer clear of Facebook friends once they announce their pregnancies, and generally dodge the conversation once motherhood comes up. Now one of my best friends is pregnant and coming to visit us for a week and I feel so horrendously selfish that all I can think about is how I am going to handle a week of her gushing about the pregnancy, rather than thinking about how happy I should be for her and her husband.

Ugh. Venting helps. Glad to have found this forum.


#10

[quote=Schwanhilda10751]I just told my husband that I joined an online support group and that my friends are making me nuts. He told me that a friend of his asked if he should stop talking about his kids around us? I appreciate that he is trying to be sensitive but he is a stay-at-home dad and his kids are his life. I don’t want him to feel like he can’t talk about them.
Sometimes I think if I was a better person things would be different. I’m not religious but maybe I should be? Then I think that I’m just being silly.
My cousin went through a 12 year process of trying to get pregnant. It ruined her marriage. She finally has a daughter but I’m sorry to say she is autistic. Its a fear that every parent I’m sure has; having a child who is healthy…but I am really afraid. I work with adults who have developmental and behavioral disabilities and I see what really goes on with them and their families. I am afraid that if I have all these treatments its going make my baby sick. I also have mental retardation on my husbands side and spinal bifida on my mothers.
I want to confide in my cousin but I am not that close with her and I don’t know if I can trust her to not tell everyone.
What should I do?[/quote]

That’s tricky. I don’t think I would say anything if I didn’t feel like I could trust her not to tell everyone.


#11

First thing, hang in there ladies. Infertility is hard, really hard. It made me miserable, I cried on everyone’s shoulders, skipped baby showers and started having ridicuouls anxiety. I felt terrible about it, like I should be handling it better, life wasn’t fair. I’m not religious either, but felt, like you, maybe I should be. Maybe I wasn’t religious enough…That wasn’t the answer, but we all feel it.

One thing I learned from these boards is that a) they are fabulous and b) where there is a will there is a way. It may not be what you have originally thought or planned, but there is a way. I was on a board of 2,3,4 time IVFers. I’m happy to say we now all have children. Were they all from IVF? No. Some IVF worked, some adopted, and some of us used donors. We all went as far as we could for various reasons.
I resent the journey, but without it we wouldn’t have hit the end and used a donor. I am now still healing. I was a wreck while pregnant worried about everything, including disabilities. Baby came home I worried about SIDS. I still get mad when I learn of pregnancies. I shouldn’t, but I do. My point is, it’s a process, it hurts and it takes a while to deal with it and heal, but we all do. Try to hang in there and use support services(like these boards) as much as possible.

Goid luck to you!


#12

Shwanhilda, I can relate to what you are going through… :grouphug:
I got married when I was 27. I had many colleagues at work of the same age as me. We used to hang out together and I was the first one to get married. As soon as that happened, I was sort of left out from the Singles’ group. Somewhere at the back of my mind I thought I should not have kids soon or else I’ll lose friends. My husband was fine with delaying the kids scenario. After about 2 yrs all those friends got married. Within 1-2 yrs all of them started expecting kids. I was >30 then. Suddenly eyes opened and my husband and I decided to try for baby. It did not happen for a year or so. Then I kept delaying going to a doctor hoping something good will happen so. For some reason I was very scared of doctors, needles and everything that you see at clinics. 2 yrs no luck with natural trying. By then, all my friends started to expect their second ones. I was attending their baby showers, 1 yr birthday parties etc wondering what the hell I was doing for so long. I have also experienced that pregnant women like to talk a lot about themselves… What they feel, where the babies kick etc. maybe that is natural but it is irritating for the ones like me who don’t have kids. To add to the miseries, once they got pregnant, they started to ask why I was not having a baby yet. If I told them it is by choice, they refused to believe and there was no way I wanted to say I was trying… Because that would add to the follow up questions.
When I was 32 I finally gathered courage to go see a doctor. At the first visit, I was diagnosed with uterine fibroid. I was asked to do several blood tests, sonography, sonograms and what not. I was first of all so scared of everything and this made me cry like hell. I had an open surgery soon after to remove the fibroid. Epidural for anesthesia, 6 inches cut like C section. That was in mid 2011. I thought that the pain would eventually result into something good. Doctor asked me to try for a baby using ovulation predictor 3 months after the surgery. I did that for 3 months and no luck. Then he did an HSG on me which was even more painful. Again I kept thinking that the pain would be worth it later. Both tubes were open but nothing happened. Husband’s semen analysis was not too bad either. Tried with clomid and ovulation predictor for 6 more months. Doctor said that fibroid could have prevented that from happening, so it should happen now. With no success, we did 4 cycles of IUI. No success. Then doctor suspected i had scar tissues from the fibroid surgery. In April, I had a laparoscopy to see the situation. They found a polyp and scar tissues. Also my tubes were blocked by then with the scar tissues. April and may were gone in recovery. Finally decided to go with IVF. I am now 34, and done with first IVF. Don’t know the results yet. But I feel miserable that I wasted a lot of time without any reason. And now paying 15K for something I probably wouldn’t have to pay if i had tried to have kids at 27! It feels like an endless journey to me sometimes. I am bored of being positive. I am also bored of social gatherings. I feel like I should go there with a board that says Yes I am infertile. :nerd:


#13

I have my doctors appointment on the 30th and the friend I mentioned above (got pregnant the first month out and insists that I haven’t been trying) wants to come with me. I originally told her no but now I am wondering if I should reconsider? I have felt myself pulling away from her in the last year (because if things like this) and I don’t want that to happen, but I’m afraid of the outcome if I let her come.
Pro- someone will be there to support me and ask of questions that I don’t think of
Con-I have to look at her pregnant belly the whole time.
Con-I have to play 20 questions
Con-she just won’t understand
Con- if I don’t find someway to forgive her flaunting her pregnancy and making me feel lesser than I don’t know if I can move on
Pro-will letting her in help me achieve this forgiveness so that I CAN move on?
Should I let her come with me?


#14

[quote=Schwanhilda10751]I have my doctors appointment on the 30th and the friend I mentioned above (got pregnant the first month out and insists that I haven’t been trying) wants to come with me. I originally told her no but now I am wondering if I should reconsider? I have felt myself pulling away from her in the last year (because if things like this) and I don’t want that to happen, but I’m afraid of the outcome if I let her come.
Pro- someone will be there to support me and ask of questions that I don’t think of
Con-I have to look at her pregnant belly the whole time.
Con-I have to play 20 questions
Con-she just won’t understand
Con- if I don’t find someway to forgive her flaunting her pregnancy and making me feel lesser than I don’t know if I can move on
Pro-will letting her in help me achieve this forgiveness so that I CAN move on?
Should I let her come with me?[/quote]

Is your husband going? I know mine would have been uncomfortable with anybody else there with us. Actually I would have been to. Those appointments were very hard. Especially at the beginning.


#15

My doctors appointment is tomorrow and I decided to let my friend come along. I know I may regret it but I need the support and my husband can’t get off of work. Thank you for all the support and advice. My heart breaks for every one of you wonderful ladies who have a signature line that says anything besides your name.


#16

I want to wish you good luck for tomorrow. It’s good you are not going alone!!! I’ve been through all that you described and I am in some way now. We have our miracle baby, that nobody believed we ever would have, even our doctor who did the IUI when even ICSI was and is questionable. I know I am crazy, but I expect delay every month, though we don’t get any treatment now… and yes, I feel heartbroken when I see pregnant women and babies, though I am sincerely happy for them, I always question “Why us?”…

It doesn’t matter if you are religious or not, it just happens to some and doesn’t happen to others… And even if doctor tells your chances are some zero something percent (like in our case), remember that it is statistics for doctors, but for some those percents are real babies and they might be your babies. I have my zero something percent and want to have more… Wish you the same!!!


#17

Polycystic ovarian disease or PCOD is a hereditary disease, there is no other known reason for it’s occurrence.


#18

How did your appointment go?


#19

I don’t know whether to scream or cry

I went to my doctor’s appointment and they did a quick pap and told me that if I was younger they would try drugs for a few years, but since I am 32 I should just go to a fertility specialist. To which I said that I waited a month and a half because I was told you could help me. Nope I’m old and worthless and should go elsewhere.:af:
So I make an appointment with a fertility specialist and before they even see me I get a phone call from there office. “Yeah, your husbands employer refuses to pay for anything with the word infertility in it.” Our insurance won’t even cover an appointment to get me diagnosed. I feel like such a worthless failure. I’m typing an crying and I just don’t want to do this anymore. In the last week I went to 2 different hospitals to welcome new babies. I’m looking for a job and it will be years before my court case is settled, which would hopefully give us the money we would need.


#20

[quote=Schwanhilda10751]I went to my doctor’s appointment and they did a quick pap and told me that if I was younger they would try drugs for a few years, but since I am 32 I should just go to a fertility specialist. To which I said that I waited a month and a half because I was told you could help me. Nope I’m old and worthless and should go elsewhere.:af:
So I make an appointment with a fertility specialist and before they even see me I get a phone call from there office. “Yeah, your husbands employer refuses to pay for anything with the word infertility in it.” Our insurance won’t even cover an appointment to get me diagnosed. I feel like such a worthless failure. I’m typing an crying and I just don’t want to do this anymore. In the last week I went to 2 different hospitals to welcome new babies. I’m looking for a job and it will be years before my court case is settled, which would hopefully give us the money we would need.[/quote]

since when is 32 old??? I hate docs sometimes.
sensitivity training much???

I’m so sorry about all of this. :grouphug: